Teh Life and Times of...

I've moved!

2010-01-20T07:54:00.002-05:00

My blog has moved over to http://www.tehjess.com. There you'll find all of the original posts and comments, as well as everything I've added in the last couple of months! Click the link to follow me over there.

www.TehJess.com

Change The World

2009-11-30T13:14:00.001-05:00

Change The World

Posted using ShareThis

unglued

2009-11-27T09:56:00.007-05:00

All these things I've so carefully put into place -
my beliefs, my opinions, my habits and attitudes.
I've steadfastly guarded them,
holding on for dear life,
terrified to ever admit that I might be wrong.

I've become accustomed to them.
And I've become accustomed to being broke,
being disappointed,
being bored in a job,
and settling for less than what I am capable of.

It is not comfortable, but it is familiar.
And so I have stayed.

But now I have awakened
and everything is coming
unglued.

My world is turning upside down
and being challenged by new ideas.
The call is to be all the me that I can be,
to give me to the world,
for no one else can offer what I have.

Unfamiliar territory,
yet right where I am meant to be.

My spirit responds with eagerness,
hunger,
to the call.

Unglued
feels right

what's in a name?

2009-11-25T09:03:00.002-05:00

Okay, I admit it. I don't much like my name. I'm not sure why.

It's not that it's an awful name or anything. Maybe I'm just too used to it, and it feels so ordinary.

It's got me pondering what is in a name. Does my name have anything to do with who I am, or would I still be the same me if I was called something else?

My personal opinion is not yet established on this one. I'm inclined to think that it wouldn't matter what I was called, I would still be the same person.

But maybe that's not the case.

Would I feel different if I heard people call me by a different name? Would people's impressions of me be the same if they were introduced to me by a different name?

When I stop and think about it, I realize that my name does have a certain connotation for me. Jess means something different than Jessica, and Jesse has an even different connotation. They each create different pictures in my mind of who I am, what I am like, some of my characteristics, etc.

For example, Jessica is my official name, and has a connotation of being someone only known on paper. My friends and family do not call me that, and the only acquaintances who do are people who do not know me at all.

Whereas Jesse has a more homey, friendly connotation for me. That's the name my family uses for me, and it is very familiar. It is the version of my name that I have been called the most over my life, and has a big connection to that little girl that grew up in the woods of BC.

Jess is the nickname I have taken on more recently, and most of my "newer" friends know me by it.

One thing I have noticed, though, is that many of the people that I become acquainted with that eventually get to know me better, start calling me Jesse - even if I've been introduced as Jess. They generally use a combination - sometimes it's one, sometimes the other. I find it fascinating, though, that Jesse keeps coming into play even when I don't introduce myself as that, and rarely call myself that to other people.

So, what's in a name?

That is still open for debate. My ponderings have not led to any conclusions on this yet.

Have you ever thought about what your name means?

i refuse to be like that

2009-11-19T16:26:00.002-05:00

I hear people talk about how crazy busy they are, how they aren't getting enough sleep, how they are stressed and feeling crappy. There is no end - you can find these overwhelmed people everywhere!

The conclusion that I long ago came to, is that I simply refuse to be like that! It doesn't matter how much I have going on, how much other people are demanding, or whatever other stresses and pulls on my time there might be. I know it's possible to manage all of that, and I just won't settle for less! ;)

I've recently gotten my hands on a program from my hero, Eben Pagan, called "Wake Up Productive". After listening to the intro 3+ times, I can't wait to get into the rest of the program! He has such a positive and healthy mindset and attitude when it comes to business, lifestyle and every day things. To hear him talk about time management, puts it all in a different perspective.

So, instead of getting bogged down with everything that I've got going on - job, business, home stuff, etc - I've chosen to instead learn how to be more productive and really focus my time, so that I get more done and have more fun. I know it's possible to do everything that I really want to do, without getting stressed out, losing sleep and getting sick. It's just a matter of learning some new habits and systems, changing the way I do things, and learning to focus on one thing at a time to accomplish more.

Good idea, huh? I'll let you know how it goes... I'll try to post some notes up here as I go through the program as well, because I know Eben is going to have some GREAT ways to do just that - he always does!

I am excited to see how it will change my life. Being more productive would have a huge impact on how well my business does, how much of that "want to" stuff I am able to do, etc. And he's even going to cover things like how to take care of your body, so that you have more energy and can be physically productive as well.

Sounds good to me! I'll keep you posted...

spring fever - memoirs of an extinct childhood

2009-11-07T16:41:00.004-05:00

Winter is a rough time for a kid who's growing up on a farm. After spending the spring, summer and fall playing outdoors, having all kinds of adventures, to be forced inside for a few months is tortuous.

Oh sure, you can still go out and enjoy the winter sports, but cold is cold, whether you're having fun in it or not - and sooner or later, the cold wins out!

I remember just longing for spring to arrive. We'd start heading outdoors and trying to force spring. If it was a sunny day, we'd "suntan" in the wheelbarrow, with snow on the ground all around. As soon as the snow started to melt and the water was running, we'd be out in the yard, wading around in our rubber boots, building damns and troughs for the spring melt.

We'd dare ourselves to go wading barefoot through ice cold water and mud.

The lower part of our property would flood in the spring. Sure as anything, we'd be out there paddling around on the flood in a canoe - and as often as not, getting soaked to the skin wading around in the water.

More "prudent" parents would have scolded us and warned us of pneumonia or the cold. Ours knew better, knew that kids will be kids, and let us play. Although I'm sure Mom groaned more than once seeing our dirty, wet clothes coming in to be cleaned!

The bikes were out as soon as possible - or more often before. We'd be peddling around, getting stuck in snowbanks, and sliding off of the narrow paths through the snow that we were trying to bike on. If it really was too early to be biking outside, we'd attempt it in the house or the barn, peddling carefully from one room to another. Although in the house, of course, it was hard to get away with.

We just could not wait for summer. It took felt like it took forever to get there, and we were coaxing it along the whole way!

Then summer would arrive and we'd move on to building forts, exploring, and swimming in cold lakes and rivers. We'd have a tent set up in the yard just as soon as it was dry enough, just so we could sleep outside. We'd build roads and towns in the dirt for our toy cars. We'd wade the creeks, chasing minnows. We'd build hay forts and tree forts. We'd spend the summer outside, romping, exploring and experiencing.

Until eventually fall and winter would come once more, and we'd be forced inside to wait for spring...

sunshine - life or death?

2009-11-07T16:13:00.003-05:00

In recent years, the "sun scare" has become more and more pronounced. We are warned from every direction to avoid prolonged exposure to the sun. We are directed to slather on the sun screen and wear sunglasses to protect our eyes.

We are told that too much sun causes skin cancer.

So we often "huddle" inside out of the sun, with our air conditioning running full blast, trying to keep cool in the heat of the day.

And if we do go outside, we smear on the sunscreen (or feel guilty if we don't!) before we head out under the rays.

Why do so few even think to stop and wonder if the sun is really bad for them??

I've been doing some reading lately on how we actually need the sun, how it produces Vitamin D in our bodies, and how sunscreen is actually dangerous! But of course they will never tell you that, because there is no way to profit from it. Sunshine is free for all!

As I sat out in the backyard and pondered this earlier this afternoon, I was taken back to my childhood. Winters were long and cold, and by the time spring was even just a glint on the horizon, I antsy for it to get there! I remember many times going outside to lay in the sun on a sunny day in April, or maybe even March! No, it wasn't warm out yet, but if you huddled down into the wheelbarrow you would be out of the wind and could begin to feel the sun's warmth.

I did this numerous times. Soaking up as many rays as I possibly could. I'd hunker down in the wheelbarrow, wrapped in a jacket or blanket. I'd read a book, or close my eyes and snooze a bit. There would be snow on the ground all around me, but I was cozy.

I instinctively knew that sunshine was good for me - and my body, mind and soul craved it after a long cold winter.

I haven't lost that craving. As I look ahead toward winter, I wish today would never end. The sun feels so warm and good, particularly since I know it won't be this warm again for a few months.

And sure as anything, come March or April, I'll be very antsy for spring to arrive. I'll be soaking up every ray I can possibly get, coaxing my chilly heart out of the hibernation of winter.

autumn reflections

2009-10-31T19:20:00.002-04:00

As the weather grows cooler and the
leaves change color on the trees and
fall
to
the
ground,
I contemplate.
A season has come to an end.
My favorite season, farewell summer.
My heart feels apprehensive going into
this cold new season,
knowing the pain of winter.

But seasons are part of the cycle of life,
causing growth, where we would otherwise stagnate.
There is no advance without pushing through
the cold and the pain.

This is a season of reflection and quiet,
the quiet growth of the sleeping giant
A chance to renew and restore,
releasing the bad
-AND the good-
in favor of what is to come.

It is in this somber season that I find myself
after the quick growth of the summer,
becoming reaquainted with the personal I.
Still waters run deep, as my spirit settles in
absorbing the warmth I surround myself with.

Until the new growth and sun of spring come once again
and the cool depths warm into brilliant growth and adventure for another season.

i have a problem with religion...

2009-10-01T12:41:00.003-04:00

Yes, I grew up in it. Right up through my early 20's even. I guess it worked well enough for me then. Gave me something to throw my passion into for a while.

But it really held me back in many ways too.

I think my biggest issue with religion is all of the focus on "God" and "heaven". Not that there is anything wrong with believing in a higher power, or believing in life after death, either.

My problem, is that most people tend to let these two beliefs hold them back from realizing their full potential right now.

I've heard it all my life:
"I can't wait until we get to heaven and leave all this sadness behind" or
"I would like to do this, but I'm waiting on God to see if it's His will" or
"I don't need any of those things because I have Jesus".

Yes, I even said things like that at one time - but I'm not sure that I ever really believed it.

I've come to the realization in my own life, that if I don't do it, it's not going to get done! I can sit back and wait for "God's will" until I get old and die - and nothing is going to change.

It is my life, and it is up to me to make it what I want it to be. No "ifs", "ands" or "buts" about it!

I got fed up with wanting to live a good life, have all the money I need and want to build that life, be able to do what I love and never have to work the rest of my life in a dead-end or boring job, etc etc.

I got fed up with being told that it was noble to be poor and that I should be content with working hard in a good steady job.

I got fed up with being expected to seek God's will on everything.

I got fed up with waiting for heaven for things to be good.

What if heaven isn't real?

Now I realize I probably just pulled the rug out from under some of you - "What?!? Heaven not real?" But humor me - put aside those thoughts and just imagine with me for a minute.

What if it isn't real? What if this one life here on this earth is the only shot you've got at experiencing anything?

It's awful short. I intend to live well into my 100s, but even 100 years is pretty short in the grand scheme of things!

What if this is all you've got?

What would you change in your life, if you lived like this was your only chance?

It is changing things in my life, this realization. Even as I am writing this, it is changing things in the way I think and making me realize that I still have more potential, more possibilities, than I had even thought an hour ago!

When you live like today is all you have - what kind of life would that be? What would you focus on and what would you accomplish?

I'm through with planning for heaven and waiting on God to tell me his will for my life. It's my life, and I am going to live it to the fullest and learn to enjoy every single moment, every single experience - and create the lifestyle, adventures, dreams, businesses, etc that I want!

Not only that, but I am going to share as much as I can with those around me, to enrich their lives and encourage them to do the same. So if you're going my way, come walk alongside, and let's boost each other toward where we want to be in the here and now!

my real life heroes

2009-09-29T13:16:00.003-04:00

I have found my real-life heroes and role models.

If you had asked me a few months ago, or even a few years ago, who my heroes were, or who my role models were, I would have had a hard time coming up with anyone.

Not anymore.

During our journey into learning internet marketing, in particular where it regards Information Products, we have come across some really great people and teachers in this category. My new role models.

Not only do these guys make a lot of money online, doing what they love, but they do it in a way that brings extraordinary value to the lives of the people they interact with, especially their customers! These guys have figured out how to have the life they want, while enriching the lives around them and inspiring other people to also have the lives they want.

Fantastic!

Who better to learn from than someone like this?

And so I am on a quest to learn whatever I possibly can from these guys. We downloaded Eben Pagan's Get Altitude training course the other day and have started into that. It really twists your thinking when it comes to marketing and how to do business!

For example, instead of choosing a product or service you want to sell, why not find out what your customer's needs, wants, etc are and then create a product that meets those needs!

Not the typical way of doing things - but certainly a better way!

i used to make myself laugh, memoirs of an extinct childhood

2009-09-20T21:36:00.003-04:00

We were the only girls in a family of three. Then it turned into a family of four..... five..... six..... And we were still the only girls until number 7. We were best friends. Even the cousins we hung out with were all boys. You were my best friend before I knew what a friend was!

You knew about my first boyfriend before anyone else - and you even knew about the "wished-for" boyfriends! You know things about me that I hope you will never tell. But that's what makes us sisters.

Since we were the only girls, we always shared a room. I guess at that age, you don't really need your privacy, and frankly, a best friend can be more beneficial than your independence then.

I told you almost all my secrets. There are still a couple that I hold dear. But no one else ever knew more! Ahhh, those were the days!

My fondest memory of sharing a room with my best friend, are those of making myself laugh. We made up nicknames for each other, and then we would audibly role-play these really silly scenarios for these "characters" with the nicknames. Oh, you know, like every kid does! (I miss those days of being a kid!)

Ahhh, Dan, I miss those days! Everything was sooooo simple!

And we would make ourselves laugh. It was funny of course... But you start chuckling at the funny part, and then you pretend that it is juuuuust a bit funnier than it actually is... and then pretend jjjjuuuuuusssttt a little more........

I did it tonight, actually.... It was pretty funny, what was said - or at least what I thought about what was said was funny..... But I pretended that it was juuuust a bit funnier than it really was.... and I felt it again... I laughed until I cried. I had tears running out of both eyes. Yes, it was that funny!

And I am now left reminiscing.

If my childhood, as foreign as it may now seem, held that much simple, pure enjoyment, what will the rest of my life hold, now that I have realized that life is all about stopping to smell the roses?

Adventures of the Online Kind

2009-09-03T17:34:00.000-04:00

Sadly, I have neglected my personal blog for months in favor of other online ventures. Somehow, I need to train myself to do both, to take the time to do those things that I do just because I want to, not because they might make me money, or allow me to go away for the winter... ;)

I am rather busy. It's good to have lots to do, but I am anxiously awaiting the day when I can quit my day job, quit working for someone else, and really have all of my time to do the things that I really want to do and am really passionate about. That day is coming soon, and I get more and more excited about it as it approaches!

Jon and I sat down and watched a fantastic video last night. It's a series that Tony Robbins is doing, called The Money Master Series. He is interviewing 12 people who are making serious money online - and finding out how they are doing it. We watched the first one last night and it was not only inspirational, it took my thinking to a whole different level. It really made it more real for me and made me really think, Hey, I can do this stuff! I can be successful online, and I can be financially free and live the life that I really want!

It made the people who are already doing that so real - they are just every day folk like you and me. The only difference, is that they took control of their lives and made them what they want. They didn't give up when things got tough - they relentlessly pursued what they really wanted.

Huh. Interesting. Every day guys, just like me - and if they can do it, then there is absolutely no reason why I cannot do it!

Yes, I am inspired and excited! :) Anyone care to join me on this journey? We're building our Mastermind Group...

the squirrels nest

2009-05-17T07:28:00.002-04:00

I have fallen in love again. It's an adorable little cottage in Kingsville, Ontario. Two blocks from the lake, at the end of a small, quiet street. They call it the Squirrel's Nest Bed & Breakfast, and it's the greatest little find!

We've been talking about doing a weekend getaway to get some online business stuff done. So I went looking for a bed & breakfast, inn or other similar getaway spot nearby that would work for us. That's when I found The Squirrel's Nest, and I knew it was going to be perfect for us.

Sure enough, it is a beautiful little cottage, rustic and cozy. Nice backyard, fireplace, loft with skylight - and a piano!!! The price was right - and they provide breakfast food as well. Wireless internet included.

So not only are we getting some great work done on our online business(es), but I have been inspired to acquire my own little place. Mine will be on the lake, though - right on the water. Perhaps even just a piece of land that I can build my own house on...

The couple that own this little place are very nice. A young couple, kinda hippyish - at least for Ontario. They remind me of a young couple I knew back home - but without the gaggle of little kids. ;) We got here and Jon had to help George set up the wireless internet so we could use it. They were so grateful for his help that they came back with a bottle of wine while we were out getting some groceries. They seem like very down to earth, friendly folk. I like them!

I think this could be come a regular getaway spot for us. Perhaps once a month or so...

let the games begin!

2009-02-28T13:57:00.003-05:00

I have very fond memories of outdoor games. Capture the Flag, Capture the World, Red Rover, and numerous others that I don't even remember the names of anymore. It seems like we were always playing these games as kids. We'd have family get-togethers and that would be our entertainment. We'd play Freeze Tag out on Grandma's lawn, or Ducks and Geese in the winter, tromping out the "game board" in the snow. Go Go Stop, Mother May I, Simon Says, What Time is it Mr Wolf, Duck Duck Goose and Anti-I-Over. It amazes me that we had the energy to run around so much!

I miss those days. I miss the simplicity of it. We'd get hours of entertainment out of drawing a circle (world) in the dirt, with our own countries marked out, then throwing a stick to try and capture parts of the other countries! So very simple. I don't even remember all the rules anymore.

Or there was another game that I particularly remember playing on a family camping trip. No idea what it's called, and I don't remember all the rules or how it's played - I just remember that we each had our own circles and when you were captured, you'd lose your circle and have to join someone else.

Or there was another game I remember playing on our lawn. Two teams, each has a base - a line at their end of the playing field - and the goal is to capture people from the other team. You can free captured team mates by running over and tagging them - without getting tagged yourself!

I don't see my younger siblings playing these games as much. Perhaps it has gone out of style with all the new technology. I'd love to play a good game of Capture the World again, though...

what do you want to be?

2009-01-17T15:04:00.003-05:00

In an earlier post, a couple months ago maybe, I made a comment about how I am determined to be successful, to live the life of freedom that I desire, and to drag as many people along with me as I can - especially my family! That is why I will continue to promote good ideas, books, programs and so on that I come across... Like this one...

Site Build It!
I've already talked about it, and about the website I started a few months ago, and the one Jon and I are starting now. I've mentioned things about it to various individuals who I think could greatly benefit from it as well, but I'm here to share some more about it.

We sat down today to continue through the program - we are currently working on Day 4, which is researching ways to monetize our site them - and I got reading through some of the case studies, stories of people who have done it, and are doing it. Every day people like you and me.

These people are doing what they love. Take this gal who was stuck in a job that she hated, and now does what she loves, building websites about topics that she is passionate about, and working on her own terms!

Or there is this gentleman, 61 and retired, a writer who found out it was next to impossible to get published because he wasn't well-known, and very difficult to get well-known without lots of money and connections. So he started building websites, writing about his chosen topics, getting better known, and then publishing his own book.

Or Judd, a 24 year old who has also changed his life around completely.

And the stories go on and on. 62% of Site Sell sites are in the top 3% of all websites on the internet - Site Build It! really works!

paradise is within reach

2009-01-16T07:40:00.002-05:00

No, I'm not talking about some spiritual nirvana or heaven. If that's what you're waiting for, then power to ya, but I'm looking for my paradise here and now. How does an island in the Caribbean sound?

All of my life I've thought that there must be a better way than the get a good job, pay your bills, save some money, raise a family, and live somewhere that gets cold. I was never able to settle into a regular job, because I had this longing inside me and an itch that said there was something more, something better, something that would allow me to be free. The internet seemed like a logical place, since you can access it from anywhere in the world, so I started looking there. That was when I got into web design, and eventually turned it into a business. But even that is just too much busy work, too much customer service, too much time. How can I travel and see the world and have time for hobbies and adventures that I love and am passionate about, when I have to spend time designing websites, updating websites - and for other people? I'm not passionate about designing websites for people, so I can't do it just because I love it. While it is a good in between option, it's still not quite what I'm looking for, and so I continue to be driven to find something more. Always more.

I've investigated various work from home schemes, as well as some great looking affiliate or internet marketing programs. There is so much hype with the internet marketing and affiliate marketing, though, that it is easy to get lost in the information overload - and getting lost is not where I want to be!

Then we stumbled across a little tutorial called the Master Affiliate Program - I've mentioned it before (see website ventures, part 1). The whole program is about building a quality website, based on a particular theme (niche), that provides valuable content to your visitors. The very last step in the process is to monetize, to add things to your website that bring you money. But this is the last thing you focus on, because the whole point is to deliver value and to presell your visitor, to become a trusted friend who they then want to buy from. I loved the concept! I loved the WIN-WIN-WIN of it all. I don't want to make loads of money off of people who then feel scammed or ripped off. I would much rather OVER-deliver and provide tons of valuable information, and quality products and opportunities, so that they feel like they got far more than their money's worth from me.

So I started a site, using just this simple tutorial as a guide. Romantic Couples Games was born and has continued to grow to this day. It wasn't perfect - there were places in the tutorial that I didn't go into a thoroughly as I could have, but the site was still born, and has gotten a handful of visitors to click through and purchase, not to mention the ones who spend large amounts of time just browsing and enjoying the information!

Around the same time, Jon signed up for the more intensive program. But we didn't do anything with that. I kinda worked on my site, but we didn't try to take it any further or do anything together on a bigger scale.

Then Cuba happened, and we came back and started asking ourselves, "Why are we living here? Why are we staying where it gets so damn cold?" He started asking himself why he was putting up with the things that drive him crazy in his business, as well. And so we started to dig into the program again. The whole program is called Site Build It!, and the full program is around $300 for the year and includes a large array of tools - literally everything you need to build your site, including tools for doing email newsletters, blogging, forums - you name it! It also has a great forum for SBI!ers to help each other out, so that the ones who are more advanced can help those who are having problems with just starting.

SBI! also has a great brainstorming tool so help you do your keyword research. You see, the whole idea of building a theme-based site with great content is not just to provide a great site for your visitors, but also to attract the search engines and be able to rank well in them. This comes by having a site that is connected and all on the same theme, and uses good keywords. So they have a tool to help you do your keyword research that tells you how the demand is for that keyword, how many sites are already using that keyword, etc. And the tutorial walks you through the whole process, step by little step.

So we started getting into the more intensive tutorial. The basics were the same as the one I had done before, just with a little more detail. We brainstormed some topics that we were each interested in - I'm doing more research for my romantic / sexy games theme - and then we decided to pick one that we were both interested in and to research it and develop it together. And so our website has begun! We are still in the keyword research stage - last night we started a blueprint of the actual site structure and the sub-topics and such. And we have our unique site "spin" as well. You always want your own unique spin, something to give it character, make it unique and fun.

So all of that to say that I think I have finally found something that will really work - and I have something that gets me excited enough to get up in the morning!

The guy who started Site Build It! now lives in Anguilla, in the Caribbean, with his whole family. He is my hero - well, one of them! So as we started into this tutorial, started finding out more about his story, and how he moved his family to Anquilla in the last year or so, and as we were reminscing about Cuba and disliking the cold, we started to talk about moving somewhere tropical ourselves. So just for fun we started looking at maps of the Caribbean, looking for interesting islands that might be nice to live on.

Then I came home from work the other day and Jon was all excited about Dominica (or the Commonwealth of Dominica). He had spotted it when looking at a map or something and had googled it to find out more about it. I looked it up when he mentioned it, and I think I've fallen in love! I haven't even been there yet, but I think there is a very good chance that we have found our paradise!

Dominica is in the eastern Caribbean. It is a small island, about 70,000 people, 300 square miles. It is volcanic based, with a few sandy beaches. Lots of tropical rainforest, tons of fresh water lakes and rivers, and a large amount of mammal wildlife. It is nicknamed the Nature Isle of the Caribbean. The pictures we have seen are absolutely beautiful. Lush and green, scenic, adventurous. There are lots of outdoorsy things to do on the island. Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Dead Man's Chest, was filmed partly on Dominica. Remember the island scenario, with the canibals and Jack Sparrow has to escape? Yep, that was Dominica! They say it is so unspoiled that if Captain Cooke came back it is one of the only places he would still recognize.

Yep, sounds like my paradise! For the first time in my life, I think I am really beginning to really believe that it is reachable, as well. And not just for me - for anyone. If you want something bad enough that you are willing to do whatever it will take to get it, then you will have what you want. Our paradise island has become our goal, and we have found a strategy to help us acheive that goal.

Yes, I have found a passion, an excitement, a dream and a goal to work for, that gives me that boost to get out of bed in the morning. My paradise is within reach - and yours is too!

work at home scams

2009-01-15T15:59:00.004-05:00

I was forwarded this article by a friend and wanted to post it here. Since I talk about making money online so much, I also wanted to balance that out with some very practical tips on how to spot scams. There are tons of them out there - I see them all the time, and I admit, I have fallen for a couple (thankfully nothing too serious). So please be careful, do your research and don't fall for anything shady! Click the link below to read the article.

How to Spot Work-at-Home Scams

powerful or helpless - the choice is yours!

2009-01-15T07:38:00.002-05:00

As I was journaling this morning, I was struck by the simplicity of this truth. In my particular instance, I was writing about relationship issues. Up to this point, I have had a tendency to see things in a relationship that I'm not satisfied with, areas where I'm not getting what I want or need, and then blame the other person - at least in mind, sometimes indirectly to them as well. I look at it as their responsibility to give me what I want and need.

Do you see the problem with this? I stumbled upon it this morning, although I've almost got it before. Whether I am going to be powerful or whether I am going to be helpless, the choice is mine to make! Let me explain a bit further, using the relationship example.

If I am not happy or satisfied with something in a relationship, and am just not feeling like I'm getting what I need or want, my first inclination is to blame the other person. I might try and do this constructively and talk to them about it, wording it in a way that hopefully doesn't make them feel blamed. I might try to talk it through, try to get them to see where I'm coming from, and then hope that they will take it to heart and change. If they don't, I may end up just leaving because it isn't "working out", or staying but feeling unhappy and unsatisfied. If they do change, the change won't necessarily last, and there will likely be something else that comes up eventually and we have to go through the whole process again. Throughout it all, I feel at least a little bit like a victim, helpless, like there is nothing I can do to change this or them.

Let's twist that whole scenario around and look at it from a completely different angle - the angle of power! I see something in the relationship that I am not satisfied with, an area where I feel I am not getting what I want or need. This time, instead of blaming the other person, I start to look at myself. Am I being the kind of person that attracts or draws that kind of quality from another person in a relationship? Apparently not if I'm not getting it! You see, relationships are two-way streets. We give and we take, we respond and we react to each other. He is responding to who I am, what I do, what I say, etc. If I look at the response I'm getting, which isn't what I want, then I know that there is something I am doing (or not doing) that is getting that response.

Ultimately, I have the power to choose what kind of person I will be, and what kind of partner I will be. When I look at it from a point of view that says the other person is responding to who I am and what I'm doing, then that puts the power back in my hands. I can then examine myself, my actions, my motives, my thoughts, etc. and see if they line up with the kind of person that would elicit the kind of response I want. Am I the kind of woman that attracts cherishing and desiring in men? Am I the kind of person that attracts understanding and sympathy? Am I the kind of person that attracts sensuality and romance?

When I look at myself in this light I can then see the areas that are lacking. I can see how my attitudes, my thoughts, my actions do not necessarily line up with the response I am wanting. I then know what to work on! I may want to working on learning to be sensual and sexy, or understanding and caring. I may want to work on being more soft, feminine and "weak" to attract more cherishing and care.

These qualities are things that I work on in me and for me. Learning to be more sexy and sensual is something that starts inside, with learning to love myself, to enjoy myself and everything around me, to be in the moment and truly experiencing life with a wonder and passion. Learning to be more understanding and caring starts inside as well, with learning to be more understanding with myself, more patient with myself. Once it has started inside, it will then start to reflect on the outside to those around me.

The beauty of this is not only that I have the power, but it is also something that will affect other areas of my life, and that will be with me for years to come. It's not something I change here and now for this relationship and that's it, rather these are qualities that will serve me for the rest of my life, no matter who I am with, where I go, or what I do. Sure, it may make things really great in the relationship I am in now, but it will also cause me to attract the kind of people with these qualities from now on as well.

This isn't to say that I shouldn't talk to the other person, share my feelings and concerns. And it isn't to say that just changing these qualities in myself will change everything in my relationship either. I may find that once I develop these things in myself, there is no longer the attraction in the relationship at all. We may not be compatible at all. Or the other person may have their own issues to address and deal with. There is always the human factor involved when there is more than just me. But I will now have the character, the confidence, the qualities needed to move on and continue to develop my life the way I want. I will continue to attract those things that are in line with who I am.

And I may find that changing these things in myself takes the relationship to a whole new level, where I have the confidence to be who I am, and they respond with the confidence to be who they are, where we are sexy and sensual, romantic and cherishing, understanding and caring - reflecting that and attracting it.

So this is the journey I am starting on today. I choose to be powerful in my own life. I choose to stop being helpless and blaming others for my unhappiness and dis-satisfaction. I am beginning a journey of self-discovery, self-development, where I will learn to truly be and love me, and develop the confidence to be who I want at all times, attracting those qualities in other people around me as well.

Remember, you attract whatever you focus on. Are you focusing on power or helplessness today?

the lure of sleep

2009-01-13T20:53:00.002-05:00

How does one resist the lure of sleep? This is something I am struggling to figure out. It doesn't matter what time I get to bed, or how much sleep I get during the night, it is still painful to get myself up at a decent hour! I want to be up at 6am every morning - at least during the week - but when 6am rolls around, that desire is completely gone. I could force myself to get up, but why bother? It's too painful.

Do I need to have something exciting to get up for? I wonder if that would help... Is the problem that I'm not sleep well enough at night so I'm not actually well-rested? I could believe this one, because I toss and turn so much, and rarely feel like I sleep soundly - but it's not like I have a hard time staying away during the day either.

It's a puzzle for me. I determine to start getting up earlier, and I might manage it for one day, but I soon slip back to 7:30, 8, 8:30, etc. I know, I know, it's not all that late, but it bugs me. It feels late to me.

I always feel better during the day when I get up earlier. I feel like I accomplish more, have a better attitude, and by evening I am well-tired and ready for bed. It's a good feeling! But that getting up part is frickin hard. I want to know why!

What is it about being unconscious - sleep - that is so damn appealing? Why do I prefer to lay there, not doing anything, often experiencing weird or disturbing dreams, than to get up and experience real life? Is it a tiredness or rest issue, or is it something psychological, something in my subconscious brain?

Perhaps I need a reason to get up. It's not often that I actually have something to look forward to for that day. Maybe I need to find something that I really enjoy that I can do first thing in the morning, something that I can look forward to and really want to get up for. But I'm not sure what that would be! What can I get that excited about that it will literally drag me away from the comfort of my bed? I need to figure this out...

Jon gets up to go to the gym, and I admire him for that. Working out isn't something I enjoy enough to get me out of bed though. It needs to be something that I just can't wait to do, that I am so passionate about, and enjoy so much, that the first thought on my mind when I wake up is, "Oh boy, I get to [insert exciting thing here]!"

And so I am on the hunt for a passion, an exciting hobby, to get me out of bed in the morning...

farewell, patrick the star!

2009-01-10T11:06:00.003-05:00

It's a sad day here. Our starfish, Patrick, has died. He's appeared sick for a while, and we got some tips on feeding him the other day so had hopes that he would start feeling better. Then last night we noticed he had been attacked. Brutally. We're not sure if it's the damn bristle worm that's hiding in there, or if it was the crabs, or a combination - but it wasn't pretty! One of his legs was pretty much detached, he had what looked like bites all on the underside of him, and one of his tentacles was missing the tip, which was lying on the bottom of the tank. I wanted to cry when I saw him because he just looked so bad!

We put him into a glass container, covered by a nylon stocking, so that he was completely separated from the rest of the critters, hoping that would give him a chance to recover. Not so. This morning he was all folded over on himself and looked like he was beginning to dissolve - so we had to flush him. It was a sad moment. Another of his tentacles was almost detached as well, so maybe it wasn't another creature that did it the first time. Who knows?

It's a very sad and puzzling situation. Poor Patrick. When we thought it was the worm, then there was a least a chance to dig it out of there and get rid of it, get some revenge. But now I'm not at all sure what it was that caused it. And I want revenge! Watching him die like that was not cool in the slightest...

But life goes on, at least for the rest of us. We'll do a good cleanout of the tank, see if we can at least find that worm and get rid of it, and eventually get another starfish. Hopefully, we'll have better luck next time!

cuba tales V - jeep safari

2009-01-07T17:17:00.005-05:00

Pics can be viewed in my online gallery - Cuba Jeep Safari

We went on one day excursion during our week in Cuba - the Jeep Safari - and was it ever a great choice! We definitely got more out of it than what we paid for it, and I highly recommend this excursion if you visit Cuba!

The day started at 8am when our bus picked us up at the resort. We then headed into Varadero, stopping at several other resorts along the way to pick up others who were also going on the tour. Once in Varadero our bus dropped us off at the car rental place where the jeeps were waiting. They were little Suzuki convertible jeeps, 5-speed stick shift - my favorite!

There were four of us to a jeep. Jon and I ended up riding with a woman and her son, from London, Ontario. They were nice enough - though after a day of their chatter we breathed a bit of a sigh of relief when we finally said goodbye. Neither of them wanted to drive, so Jon and I shared that task for the day. Ahh, it was nice to drive a stick shift again! I've missed it!

Once we were in our jeeps and ready to go, our tour guide led the way, and we all followed, creating a little jeep caravan. We drove out through the backroads around Varadero - likely to avoid the toll road - and they were really backroads! Potholes galore. Little twists and turns. They led out through the countryside, through some teeny tiny villages and farmland. As we drove through the villages or by houses, the kids would often come running out to wave at us.

After a while of driving through these backroads we arrived at our first stop - snorkling! We had to wait a few minutes for the previous group to clear out, then we spent about an hour or so snorkling out along the reefs. It was absolutely beautiful! The variety and colors of fish were incredible. It was my first time snorkling, so it took some getting used to. I've never been terribly comfortable swimming, but the salt water makes it much easier. I was able to relax a bit and really enjoy it. And it's definitely something I want to do more of and get used to!

The only "bad" part about that stop was the local - a few young fellows - that crowded around when we arrived and when we went to leave, trying to sell us conch shells and starfish. Jon said it was the worst he's ever seen in Cuba, and I can believe it! They were annoying, and didn't take "no" for an answer!

After snorkling it was back to the jeeps and a drive down a paved highway to the next stop - a cave. And not just a cave, but a cave we could go swimming in! I expected it to be too cold, but it wasn't bad once we got in, and it was kinda neat to swim around in there a bit.

Our next stop was a farm way out in the countryside. It was quite a drive to get out there. And the roads were once again amazingly rough. The people who owned the farm fed us fresh coconut, sugar cane, bananas and other fruit, and opened up their house to let us walk through and see it. The way they live is incredibly simple - standards that we in North America just wouldn't put up with! They have very very few possessions, shutters but no windows, two beds for a family of 10, and the list goes on! This stop was a huge eye-opener.

Our next stop was after another hour of driving or so, when we stopped at a ranch for lunch. It was a typical Cuban meal, and it was delicious! They had horses at the farm, as well as paddle boats to go out on the artificial lake. We took a boat out for a few minutes, but the horses were so in demand that we decided not to bother with a horseback ride. We had about an hour at this stop, time to eat and relax for a bit. Then we were off again to our last stop of the day - a boat ride.

It was a river boat. They had drinks and lobster available to purchase on the ride. The ride itself was probably 30-45 minutes, and was a very nice time. The river was beautiful. A nice relaxing event after the long day!

After the boat ride it was back to return the jeeps - another 45 minute drive or so. It was dark by the time we finally got there, and everyone was dusty and ready to get cleaned up and rest. By the time the bus dropped us off back at our resort it was about 6:30pm. A long day, but well worth it!

Pics can be viewed in my online gallery - Cuba Jeep Safari

neighborliness

2009-01-06T16:54:00.002-05:00

Have you ever watched That 70s Show? If you know me very well, you probably know how much I love that show. It's definitely one of my very favorites! I enjoy the humor, and the simplicity of life back then. I think I would have gotten along well in the 70s.

That being said, I was having lunch with Jon today and we got to talking about Cuba and differences between our culture here in North America and cultures like Cuba. The particular aspect that we got talking about was actually far more common in North America in the 70s, 80s and earlier - too early for my time really. That is the social and neighborly aspect.

In Cuba, not everyone has a TV, it's a luxury. The neighbors will all come over to watch the few channels that they can even get. Same with phones. They'll talk to relatives living in Miami and the whole family will gather at the house and take turns talking to them. It's a much more social culture. Our culture used to be like that. You watch That 70s Show, and they had a bar in their livingroom because they would entertain the neighbors, friends, or whoever, fairly often.

You don't see that really nowadays. Sure, we have our close friends over, people we know from church, maybe work, or other fairly close acquaintances, but to actually invite the neighbors, that we hardly know, over to our house is almost unheard of! We hardly know who our neighbors even are!

This isn't quite as bad in small towns, like my home town, but even there it is becoming more rare. People tend to stick to themselves, their circle of friends, and are far less trusting, far less friendly, far less open. I would say that our society is becoming more and more cold and cynical - even to our fellow countrymen, our neighbors!

I certainly see this in myself. I am far quicker to judge people, to mis-trust them, to expect that they are out to get whatever they can from me, than to be trusting and open with them. Have I already started to become so jaded and cynical?

I am very glad to finally be beginning to get out and travel. Experiencing different cultures, societies, countries, world views, ways of life, and so on can only be good for a North American country girl! (or anyone else, for that matter!) I want very much to stretch my own world view, to get outside of my own opinions, mind sets, the things that have been ingrained in me from the day I was born. I don't want to be one of those people that just gets set in their ways, in their own beliefs and opinions, and can't manage to see it any other way, or live it any other way.

And this is my wish for you as well. My you continue to grow, learn, change, experience, explore, adventure, experiment, love, laugh, enjoy, and overall LIVE!

cuba tales IV - la playa

2009-01-04T08:58:00.007-05:00

Ahh, the beach.... Isn't that one of the first things we think of when we think of a tropical island? Sunny beaches... Waves rolling in.... Soft sand.... The smell of sun screen.... A piña colada or other tasty beverage.... The warm sun caressing your skin.... The sound of the surf as you close your eyes and soak it all in....

Yes, I want to be back there! But it was wonderful while it lasted, and I am oh so grateful that I got to go at all! The beach part of the trip was great. The sand is so soft and fine down there, and there are shells everywhere. When we went walking on the beach we found quite a few shells, even though it was later in the day and they'd already been picked over.

The marine wildlife was fascinating. Crabs, urchins, fish, minnows, and not a seagull in sight! We had to walk along the beach for a bit to find outcroppings of coral where there were pools and whatnot for crabs and urchins to live in. It's pretty neat to see them in the wild like that though! The pools were all filled with tons of these little hermit crabs. Cute little things. Then there were some bigger "regular" crabs scuttling around as well.

On one of our walks we came across a local fisherman, who was fishing off of one of these coral outcroppings, using just a fishing line and a reel of some sort - no rod, nothing fancy. We stopped to look, and he showed us the hermit crabs he had in a bucket that he was using for bait, as well as the handful of fish he had already caught. While we were still around, he caught another fish, and when we went to have a look, he handed it to me to pose with for a picture. It was a pretty cool looking fish - certainly not one you'd catch in a river or lake up here or back in BC! I felt a bit sorry for it - yes, I know it's just a fish! But the poor thing was flopping around, and then the fisherman went to pull the hook out of it and couldn't get it out! That's gotta hurt! But I still watched, of course. (Poor fishy...)

There were sea urchins all over, ranging from small to fairly large. Cool looking things, as well. I really enjoyed peering into all the little pools to see what was there. You never know what you'll discover! And it's so different from the fresh water wildlife that I'm more used to, so it makes it more exciting and interesting for me. It's one thing to see this stuff in pictures, but another to see it for yourself!

As I mentioned, we gathered quite a few shells, including some around these tide pools. The shells sat in a plastic bag for a couple of days, then I finally decided to dump them out and sort through them a bit. When I did so, a few of them crawled away! I had inadvertently picked up about 4 or 5 hermit crabs! Talk about a thrill! So what did I do? Well, I kept them moist and babyied them until it was time to leave, then I stuck them back in with the rest of the shells, put them in the middle of my suitcase so they'd be insulated as much as possible, then brought them home with me. There are now two or three living in our marine fish tank with Shiloh the damsel, Fernando the clown, Pierre the peppermint shrimp, Patrick the star, Hermie the hermit crab, and an emerald who is still nameless. As are the new hermit crabs. It is just so fun having Cuban hermit crabs living in our tank that I brought back myself.

Another part of the beach that I enjoyed was being able to go topless. I'm glad to live in a province where it is legal for women to be topless in public, but it's just too damn cold here most of the time, and pretty much no one does it, so it was great to be able to take the top off while on the beach down there. Minimizes the tan lines as well!

And let's not forget my midnight (or later) skinny dipping. I've never gone skinny dipping, and always wanted to, so I thought why not take advantage of this warm ocean and quiet beach? It was one of the most exhilerating things I did while I was down there! I went by myself - Cuba is so safe for that (locals get jail time for bothering or harming a tourist) - and it was just me and the ocean. Fantastic! The sky overhead was huge and full of stars, all I could see of the ocean was the white of the waves coming in and it was just black beyond that. It was almost a spiritual experience, just being there, playing in the waves, feeling like I was part of the night, part of the universe. I highly recommend this if you decide to go to Cuba! I went at about 2am or so and the beach was absolutely quiet and deserted. There was just one security guard for the resort, a local, but although they might try to peak, they are perfectly harmless and leave you alone. And the experience is one of a kind, unforgettable!

We also spent some time just tanning - which I'll admit got boring pretty quickly. I can only lay in one place for so long. But the sun sure felt good!

cuba tales III - las gentes (the people)

2009-01-01T10:39:00.012-05:00

The Cuban people are beautiful. They don't have what we have as far as possessions, salary, spending money, etc, but they are happy. You'll hear them actually singing as they go about their work. Yes, I said singing, out loud. That blew me away. If someone does that here, they are looked at funny! You don't just sing for no reason! Man, our culture is so damn inhibited in too many ways!

When we were on the jeep safari, driving out through the little towns and back country, we saw lots of kids - they would come running out to the side of the road to wave at us as we drove by. Hoping for handouts, likely, as I think that was the regular route for the tour. They were cute, though. Some of them would be smiling and happy, and others looked like they were doing it just for the handouts - waving mechanically and not smiling at all. It seemed to be the older ones that were like that, and the smaller ones that looked happy and excited. I wonder if the parents would send them out there to essentially beg for handouts?

There were four of us in a jeep, so Jon and I ended up traveling with a woman and her teenage son. The son made a comment about these kids that really irritated me, but would likely be a fairly common mindset among North Americans. He compared what they were doing - standing along the road hoping for handouts - to prostitution. I wanted to smack some sense and sympathy into him! These kids have nothing, these tourists come through and many of them come with gifts for the kids - pencils, paper, hair things, etc - so the kids are out there hoping to get some! That pack of pencils or pad of paper will be the most treasured thing they own! Those hair barrettes will be the envy of all the other little girls! It's not the same as someone begging or "hooking" in North America - not even comparable! Here we have the opportunity to make something of ourselves. Even homeless beggers could find a job, make some money, be productive, if they choose to. Down there, they are so limited as to how much they can make, how much they can own. Their salaries are set by the government, and are not at all equal to the cost of things (1 pair of shoes could be a whole month's wages). You'd be out there waving for handouts too!

The whole North American mindset really irks me. We live in the very lap of luxury - and complain about everything! People in places like Cuba live with a fraction of what we have, yet they are happy, they make the most of it. The kids don't have the fancy Toys R Us or even Walmart toys. They are thrilled to get pencils, paper and hair clips! In downtown Varadero, we saw these two boys just playing in an old Fiat. They don't have the video games and tv - they are content to play in this old car.

It reminded me of my own childhood, actually. We used to play in the old cars around our place, as well - and we were happy to do so! What adventures we would have in those old things! We didn't have the tv or video games either - and we didn't miss them! The outdoors was our playground - and I dare say it was better than any electronic playground that kids have now. Cuban kids are lucky, because they don't have the option to be sucked into video games, television and computer games. They grow up far richer than most North American kids.

We visited a Cuban farm. They opened their home to us, fed us fresh sugar cane, coconut, guava, bananas, etc. It was very eye opening to walk through one of their homes and see how these people live. The one we visited was the home of a family of 10. The two parents and 8 children. Here is the home they lived in:Yes, you are seeing correctly. Two bedrooms, one small bathroom, one small kitchen, then there was a very small sitting area, and a dining room of sorts - all for 8 kids and two adults. And notice the amount of possessions - notice how bare the rooms are! And only one burner on the stove in the kitchen. This place is a shack by our standards, and yet this is how they live! This is typical for a Cuban family. And we have the nerve to complain about our homes and how we live? As I said, it was eye opening!

The people live with next to nothing, and yet they are happy and for the most part content. Sure, they'd like more money, better salaries. I'm sure they'd like better and bigger homes, more possessions, but they don't let that stop them from living life!

We followed this bus for a few minutes on the jeep safari, and the kids inside were watching us and waving at us. Happy. Content. Friendly.

coches de cuba

2008-12-31T16:58:00.002-05:00

My Coches de Cuba image collection is now up in the gallery! You are going to love these cars...

Coches de Cuba (Cars of Cuba) - the first Gallery - or use the link on the right.

cuba tales II - Calle 62

2008-12-31T15:38:00.008-05:00

One of the highlights of Cuba was visiting a Cuban bar on Saturday night. It's a little snack bar that has music and entertainment at night. Jon had been there before and just loved it, so I had heard about it, but to actually see it for myself was something completely different. It was beautiful! We got there around 9pm and got a table. By about 9:30 or 10 the tables were all full! The band started probably around 10:30 or so, and by 11 the place was really busy. Not only were the tables full, but people were standing and dancing in the street and on the sidewalk across the street, or at the restaurant across the street. The locals can't all afford to go and buy drinks, so some of them bring their own - we saw a couple different guys with their own rum and mix.

The kids were beautiful. There were a couple of little girls, probably 8 or so, who were dancing - and they could dance! It was priceless! Reminded me of my little sis and made me wish I could take her dancing. Salsa is a great dance style too. Watching the cuban people dance is just incredible. I wish I could move half that well! There were another couple of even smaller girls dancing up on the side of the stage during an intermission when the band was taking a break - again, incredible!

The band was good too. I really enjoyed watching and listening to them. The girls on stage were dancing pretty good too. Boy can they move! It certainly inspired me to take some serious salsa lessons and learn to move my own hips like that - or as close to that as I can get?

They had a little dance contest. First they pulled 6 girls out of the audience, then they had them each do a little dance. Then the girls were to pick a guy to dance with and the contest continued with the couples dancing, the guys dancing, and the finalists dancing. Finalists were determined by the audience applause. Would you be surprised to know that it was a local couple who won? They rocked. Just watching them dance together, or separate was amazing! I was definitely voting for them right from the start! There were a couple of girls from Montreal who were in the contest and could shake it pretty good - but nothing near as good as the locals. The couple pictured above isn't the one that was in the contest - they were out dancing on the street - but they were just as good from what I saw!

The price of beer was comparable to what it is here - maybe a little bit less. It was $2.50 (Cuban convertible pesos), which converts to around $3 or a bit less. Probably less than you'd pay at most bars here, but not THAT much less. We did find it cheaper other places, but more on that in the Varadero Walk tale (coming soon).

Our night concluded with a Taxi ride back out to our resort - about 15 minutes out of Varadero. And yes, that 1927 Ford was indeed our taxi! Is that beautiful or what? I will be posting an album on my Photographity site with Cuban cars - it is a must see if you love those classics! I'll let you know when it's up...

It was interesting to talk to the taxi driver. Jon got asking him about politics and how the government is compared to what it used to be and all that fun stuff. Basically, the guy was saying that the only thing he would change is higher salaries for everyone. So, even though it is a communist country, the people seem to be happy and content with the way things are run - except they'd like to be paid more. Interesting.

And that concludes our trip to Calle 62!

cuba tales I

2008-12-30T09:20:00.002-05:00

Christmas in Cuba was as good as I hoped/expected. Nothing ever quite lives up to my expectations, but I certainly wasn't disappointed! We met some great people, saw some of the Cuban countryside, got some great photos, enjoyed a warm sunny beach - ahhhh I did not want to leave at all! I could have easily handled at least another week there without getting bored or going crazy. ;)

We left home Monday morning, the 22nd. Our flight was out of London at 4:55pm. We arrived at the airport a bit over 2 hours before our flight - and you should have seen the line-up! Apparently they were having computer problems when checking everyone in for our flight, and we ended up waiting in line for over 2 hours. Our flight was delayed as a result, but at least they didn't leave without us! ;)

While waiting in line we met the two parties ahead of us in line - who both happened to be going to the same resort that we were! The chances of that are pretty small, since there are sooo many resorts, and just about everyone on the plane is going to a different one. We met Alex and her mom from London, and another gal and her mom from Toronto. Great people, fun to chat with, and we enjoyed hanging out with Alex and Jean later in the week as well.

So our flight finally left closer to 6, which meant we arrived in Veradero, Cuba around 9. It was after 10 by the time we got through customs, got our luggage, found our bus, exchanged our money, and made it to our resort, Melia Las Antillas. As soon as we stepped off the plane in Veradero, though, I could feel the dramatic temperature change, and knew I was going to love it!

Customs in Cuba was a cinch. Thorough, but not overboard like it tends to be in Canada or the US. We were in and out in not time, there were no looong line ups, and it was all very well organized. We actually had to wait for our luggage after going through Customs because it was so quick!

We got to our resort, checked in, unpacked, changed, then headed downstairs to check out the drink situation. The lobby bar was super quiet that night, so we went and found the "Disco Fun Pop" bar. Yes, it is actually called that! It was pretty busy that night, so we hung out there for a couple of beer before calling it a night. It turned out to be a nice little spot the rest of the week as well. It was great to watch everyone dance and just observe the people that were there. A lot of germans were at this resort, and we saw a number of them that night - including one guy in a very unique outfit. He was wearing a tank top that was almost more like a vest - it had three or so buttons that were undone, and was almost a sheer material. He had a beer belly, a mohawk, and patched jeans. We were amused. ;) We saw the same guy later on in the week several times, including one day when we went for lunch and he came to lunch in his Speedo - not a pretty sight! There were some amusing people there for sure...

Our first day there was overcast and cool - but still a hell of a lot nicer than Ontario! We spent a fair bit of time hanging out at the lobby bar, drinking cappucino (some of them with Baileys), and hit the Disco Fun Pop again in the evening. It was a pretty low-key day, but still enjoyable!

Our second day was warm and sunny, so we spent a good part of it laying by the pool - ahhhhh, the sun! It was delightful! They had some hammocks hung in spots around the pool as well, and those were nice to nap in a couple of times. The pool was huge - and there were tons of chairs around it - probably over 100 just around the pool. The resort holds about 350 people, so it's a good size without being too ginormous. There were at least that many more chairs down at the beach, if not more. There were four bars spread out through the resort. The lobby bar (24 hour), the disco bar - which seemed to be only open certain times, the beach bar (10-5) and the pool bar (open til midnight or so). There were three a la cart restaurants - which we never made it to. And there was a buffet and a restaurant by the pool. The variety of food was great, and it tasted pretty damn good too! I had heard before I left about how the food down there is very bland - but I can't say that I found it to be so! I certainly had no complaints.

The rest of the week was spent doing a jeep safari, visiting Veradero, walking the beach and chatting with people we met there. There will be more to come, including pictures, on the highlights of the rest of the trip...

water holes

2008-12-16T08:55:00.002-05:00

We were playing CashFlow the other night, and I drew a card that was offering a piece of raw land for sale, with a creek running through it. It got us on the topic of creeks. I realized I was very lucky growing up, as the first two places we lived - that I remember - both had creeks running through the property.

The first place had a creek that ran near the barn. There were minnows in the creek. Probably my most distinct memory of the creek is when Mom would make tapioca pudding and we'd take it down and put it in the creek to chill. Looking back, it seems like a looong way to have to walk to the refrigerator, but hey, it worked!

I remember wading in the creek as well - the water was always extremely cold. But when does that ever stop kids? The creek joined the river on the edge of our property, and when our parents were with us, we'd go down to the river as well. The path to the river crossed the creek, where it had carved out a mini canyon for itself, and we'd find all kinds of minnows down in there.

The second place we lived again had a creek that ran into a river on the edge of our property. This was a bigger creek, and came out of a huge culvert at the upper end, with a pool. On hot summer days we'd go play in the pool and the culvert - although the water was still rather chilly! I remember one time some of my siblings found an eel or two in the creek. That was pretty exotic for us. We'd never seen such a thing! This creek also had small fish near the river end.

I was lucky to grow up around so much water. We always had a lake near by to go swimming in the summer, or to go have picnics at. Rivers were abundant as well. We did a lot of canoeing, and spent a fair amount of time camping by lakes and rivers. There was the annual Swan Trip - a grand canoe/camping adventure, where we'd go and camp on an island. I'd like to make that trip again one of these summers.

I remember one particular camping trip, just before my brother Hiram was born. We were supposed to go to Brown Bear (out by Swan) with my uncle and his family and a couple other families, but Hiram was due right around that time, so my parents decided we'd go on our own camping trip closer to home. We went down by the river, at a spot a few miles from our home, and camped on a sandbar. I remember building a "tabernacle" (from the Bible) in the sand with leaves, sticks and stones. I think Mom still has pictures of that camping trip somewhere.

My earliest memories of swimming are of being afraid of it. I was terrified to get out in the water where I couldn't touch the bottom! Even with a lifejacket, I would be freaked out. I'd get myself all psyched up to go swimming, determined that this time I was going to swim by myself, but sure enough, we'd get to the lake, I'd get out on the dock, and I just couldn't do it! So my dad would eventually get me out in the water and then leave me to swim on my own. I am not sure why it was so terrifying, but it was a fear that took me a while to get over! He'd leave me on my own, practically forcing me to swim, and I'd panic a bit - and remember, I was wearing a lifejacket! I did eventually get over that fear...

Yes, I was lucky to grow up around so much water. I now live in Southern Ontario, and guess what? There isn't any water around! Sure, there are the great lakes, and the Detroit River, but they aren't play friendly, unless you have a boat or something. I miss the little lakes and rivers that you can really get down to and enjoy... I miss swimming in the summer, even when it was chilly. I miss picnics and camping by the lakes.

So I've decided, that when I am wealthy, I will purchase a summer home in BC. It's not a place I can ever again live year-round (I can't handle the winters), but I would definitely like to have a summer home to spend a few weeks each year! My winter homes will be somewhere warm and tropical - Thailand maybe - but BC will also be a special place to me as well.

more fish friends

2008-12-14T20:55:00.009-05:00

We have acquired new additions in our fish tank. Jon picked them up on Thursday. There's a clown fish and a peppermint shrimp. Neither have names yet.

I think Shiloh (the blue damsel) is happy to have another tank mate. They get along great. The Clown took a few days to get used to the tank, but he now is comfortable enough to swim merrily around the tank. He's such a cutie! I love clown fish.

Patrick the star is moving around the tank more than he did when we first got him too. You never really see him moving, but boy does he get around! He'll be on one side of the tank, and then next thing you know, he's on the other side, or sitting on top of the rocks. You can see him up in the left side of the tank in the first picture.

The shrimp is pretty cool. He kinda sways back and forth as he walks. And we've seen him sitting right on top of the starfish as well. He's more active now and moves around the tank a fair bit. And he's see-through! How cool is that? He's got these super long antenae/feelers and just looks funny.

And remember the worm I mentioned the other day? Well, Jon did some research and found out what it is. It's a bristle worm, and we've got to try and trap it. They sting, and could be dangerous for the poor fishies.

And there's the latest chapter in our fish story.

website ventures, part 1

2008-12-10T16:15:00.007-05:00

I decided to start blogging about my new "baby" website. I want to document how I'm doing it, and figured since I'm already a regular blogger, this might be a good way to do that - plus it just might help someone else with ideas for their own websites!

My website is still in its infancy, but has certainly progressed past the newborn stage. Here's what I've done so far.

It all started when I got a hold of a tutorial called the Affiliate Masters Program (or the .zip version here). The tutorial takes you through, step by step, how to set up a website to provide tons of valuable information (for FREE), and how to make money through selling other people's products, google adsense, and various other methods of monetizing. The key point, though, is to create tons of value for your visitors!

This was along the lines of what I'd been wanting to do - an online site that once it was set up would practically run itself and make me money while I was sleeping, or vacationing, or whatever the case may be. And the beautiful thing with this is that you can pick a topic that interests you, something you can get excited about and enjoy doing.

So the first thing I did was to brainstorm some topics, ideas that would interest me, things I know something about that I could write about, and so on. I wrote out a whole long list, and then went through that list and picked out 3-5 niche topics to research. You want to narrow it down, drill down if you will, until you have a very precise, specific topic. If it's too broad and general, then it will be hard to do the research and get specific keywords, and it will be hard to rank well for that topic in the search engines. You can always add on more later once your initial niche website is established!

The research is not my favorite part, although some people just love it. The research for a project like this, involves picking some keywords for that topic and checking to see how much demand there is for those keywords (how many people are searching for that keyword) as well as how much supply there already is (how many websites come up when you search for that keyword). Ideally, you want to find keywords for your niche topic that are being searched by a lot of people, but don't have too many suppliers already. You want to be able to rank well in the search engines, so that you can get free targeted traffic!

I narrowed my topic down to one niche topic: romantic couples games. I then went on to do some more thorough research on just that one topic.

As I was researching keywords, I would type my keyword into Google.com and then go and visit at least the first 10 websites that came up, to see if 1) they were relevant to my topic (a competitor), 2) I could glean any ideas from them, 3) to see if they were quality websites (or if I could easily surpass them as far as quality goes) and 4) to see if they might be possible partners (with products I could sell on my own site, a site that I could request to trade links, etc). I learned a fair bit during this research, got some good ideas from sites that I found, and learned things that I wanted to avoid from other sites that I found. I kept track of all of this info and stats in an excel spreadsheet. (More info on the research in a later post - complete with copies of my spreadsheets.)

From my research I was able to determine a handful of good keywords related to my topic to use. I chose ones like the obvious romantic couples games, foreplay games, sexy games for couples, fantasy and roleplay games, and other such similar keywords. From my research, they seemed to have enough demand, and the supply definitely left room for a new and better website on the topic.

From there I went on to choose my domain name - I actually registered several. I was able to get romantic-couples-games.com (my main domain), as well as some other variations of the words. You definitely want to have your main site keyword in your domain name, so I was very pleased to find that one available!

The next step was to start creating the actual content, and designing the website. I started designing the website in DreamWeaver, but eventually moved it to a Joomla site, which is much easier to manage, even for someone who doesn't know html! I started with a very basic design - after all, the focus is on content not on design. Sure, you want it to look nice, but it's even more important that you deliver value to your visitors!

I started with the home page, and wrote up a few paragraphs about romantic couples games and how they can help make things more interesting, exciting and intimate in a relationship. I made sure to use my main keyword, romantic couples games, several times throughout the paragraphs, heading, and the title in the browser as well. My website still has pretty much the same original content on the homepage, so you can see basically how I structured the content, with the keywords, etc.

I moved on from there to create other pages about foreplay, sex positions, sexy food games, roleplay and fantasy, and homemade sex games. These were the original 5 internal pages that I started with. I went on to add the rest, like shower sex games, sexy oral games, talking dirty, and even more recently, sexy christmas ideas, love letters and sexy lingerie.

Since the original creation, I have been regularly adding new content, new products, new freebies, etc. The more value you create, the more awesome free stuff you give away, the more your visitors will want to come back, refer their friends, and buy the products that you recommend!

I also started a Sexy Tips Ezine, that I send out once a week (Mondays) with a sexy game of the week and a sexy tip of the week. I keep it short and sweet, but again, provide value! All of my ezines are also then added to my site after they go out, which also adds more content and value to the website itself.

I started out doing a separate blog as well, and linking it to my site, but I found that to be rather time consuming, and decided I would be better off adding the content I was putting on my blog to my actual site and having it all in one place. I do love blogs though, and it's good to have a "feed" for people to follow, so I found out how to do a feed of my website - my Sexy Tips Blog Feed - which is set up through feedburner.com. This feed simply displays the content of my site in a blog format. Every time I add a new article or page to my site, it updates in my feed.

Since the time I started the website, I have grown my newsletter list to 28 subscribers, I have grown my daily visitors to an average of 40 or so per day, and I have had a total of 3 sales with my affiliate programs, as well as 1 sale directly from a PPC campaign.

There's an overview of the project. In my next few posts I will go into more detail on things like the research, getting newsletter subscribers, the freebies I offer, how I get content, article marketing, and some of the other techniques I have used.

pets of the aquatic and plant familys

2008-12-05T07:59:00.003-05:00

We have pets. And we like our pets. They aren't the furry, cuddly kind, nor are they the yappy, noisy kind. They are nice and quiet, don't make a mess, and while we can't play with them, they are rather fun to watch!

Our aquatic pets are Hermie the hermit crab, Shiloh the blue damsel, Patrick the star, and a random little worm that we just saw last night and haven't named yet. Sadly our aquarium has had many casualties as well, including the cutest little clown fish, who I miss very much, and a beautiful emerald crab. We are enjoying the ones that are left though. When we first got the star, he just sat up in the corner by the heater, but lately he has been moving all around the tank and we have really enjoyed watching him and looking to see where he's going to end up next. Last night we saw him sitting on the crab. Poor Hermie just never realized that the little nook he was in was in Patrick's path!

Our plant pets are just as fun - although they don't move even as fast as the starfish! We have a couple of pineapple plants that we grew from the top of pineapples that we bought this summer. Perhaps in a year or so we'll have our own homegrown pineapples! Then we also have our mimosas that Jon collected from pods he picked up from other trees here in town. We've grown a couple from seed, and we also have one that a very kind lady dug up for us from her back yard! Unfortunately, we've also had casualties in the plant world, with one mimosa that a damn squirrel bit off - yes, bit off and had the nerve to leave the top part lying there in the pot, severed. It was a sad day! We have since managed to get another to grow from seed though, and it is currently about an inch and a half high or so, sitting in the kitchen window and opening up a little more every day. Oh the joy of having other little lifes living in our house!

money mindset

2008-12-02T21:11:00.005-05:00

As I was relaxing in the hot tub tonight, with my glass of wine and a good book, I got off on an interesting train of thought. Interestingly enough, it stemmed from the storyline of the book I was reading. It's one of that epic fantasy series. About ordinary everyday folk who become heroes and save the world. The thing that jumped out at me tonight was the whole thing of going back to their roots, who their family was, where they were from, and being heroes in that respect. One character is the king of a dead country, and goes off to fight a war against the shadow on behalf of that country - unknowingly inspiring others of his countrymen to ride along with him. And the stories of other characters are similar. The point is, it got me thinking about my own heritage, where I have come from, and what I'm going to do with it.

The first thing that jumped to mind was money. It's been one of my pet topics lately, but frankly, it's been something that has plagued my family for literally generations. I remember discussing it with my dad one day. We were discussing the religious or spiritual aspect of it, but I remember a comment he made about other more distant relatives, particularly my great grandfather and great uncle, and how we hear about these great opportunities they have making lots of money, but next thing we know, they're broke, or close to it, and looking for another opportunity. And they never seem to break out of that cycle. In this particular conversation, we were talking about a "spirit of poverty" over our family - again, the spiritual aspect - and how it needed to be broken (through prayer, faith, declarations, etc).

So I started thinking about this tonight and immediately compared it to my more recent experiences and learning. I was in the whole religious/spiritual circle for a while, and believed that pretty much everything was the result of or caused by an evil spirit or demonic power. Now I'm not saying that that isn't the case, but I've since seen things and learned things that have made me go hmmmm. For instance, let's look at the secular parallel to this "poverty spirit" thing...

In spiritual circles, like the one I was a part of for a number of years, poverty is caused by a demonic spirit, a "demon" if you will that subjects a person or people to this particular condition. The way to get rid of it is to pray, command it to leave, and have faith that it has left, or is leaving. This is all fine and good, but in essence, it leaves the control and power in the hands of someone other than me. Even if I pray, command it to leave, and have "faith" that it is so, if it doesn't happen, I will simply think that for whatever reason either a) it isn't God's will at this time (there's a lesson for me to learn in this poverty still) or b) I'm not praying hard enough or don't have enough faith. Either reason leaves me with very little power and very little substantial information to work with.

The secular parallel brings a new light to things. Instead of there being a "spirit of poverty" or "demon of poverty", there are unsupportive mindsets and beliefs. Practically speaking, this means that I have grown up with beliefs about money that support poverty. For myself, some of these beliefs include, "You have to work hard for your money", "You have to get a good job to pay your bills", "Rich people are greedy and likely did something evil to get their wealth", "You should only have what you need to survive" or "It is noble to be poor." These beliefs weren't necessarily spoken ver batim, but they were certainly implied, particularly in the religious part of my upbringing. Incidentally, the reason I was taught these things, was that the people who taught them to me were themselves taught that by someone else. I'm certainly not placing blame on anyone here. But the fact of the matter is that this is what I was taught regarding money.

My family never seemed to have quite enough money. It didn't matter what job my dad worked, or didn't work. Things stayed the same. And I still see it in myself and in my family today. We're running our own businesses, working for ourselves now, and yet where is that "extra" money that we've always dreamed of? When do the bills stop and the money for me begin? Is this speaking to you?

Do you remember when I talked about financial thermostats? This is what it all boils down to. When I was comparing the "spiritual" and "secular" views (which really aren't as different as they'd like to think...), I realized that this thermostat is exactly what's going on. And here's the major difference I found between the spiritual and secular: the spiritual leaves the control and the responsibility in God's hands, while the secular puts the control and responsibility in my hands. Now, there's nothing wrong with believing in a higher power, be it God, the Universe, or whatever you choose to call it. But the problem that I see, is that with religion, if something doesn't happen, people say it must not be the will of God. There must be a lesson to be learned by it not happening.

Here's what I think. Yes, there is a lesson to be learned - but it has nothing or very little to do with God or what he wants, and it has absolutely everything to do with you and what you want. You can pray, command spirits, and have faith as much as you want, but if it doesn't happen, who is to blame? Is it God? Or is it you? Here's what I am learning: I (and only I) am in control of my life, my destiny, and what happens to me. I am the one who chooses how to respond to circumstances and situations. I am the one who chooses how to spend my time and my money. I am the one who chooses how far I will advance financially, personally and professionally. I am the one who shapes my own destiny. It is my choices, my beliefs, and my attitudes that either limit or expand where I will advance and where I will fall short. I am not a victim, I am in control of my own life and my own circumstances. I am the only one who has the ability to take a situation that seems really shitty and turn it into a great opportunity by the way I respond to it.

As soon as I take responsibility for my own life and my own circumstances, that is when I am free and can do whatever I want! The sky is the limit once you have truly taken responsibility for your own life. Then it doesn't matter what anyone else does to you, says to you, or thinks of you, because you are in control of your own life. And in my opinion, this is where religion is lacking. As long as you have "someone" to fall back on, to place blame on, you will never be able to truly take responsibility for your own life. And if you cannot truly take responsibility, then you cannot truly be free to create your life the way you want it. Religion is too quick to "blame" the "will of God", and to say that if it doesn't happen, it is because it is not the will of God.

So all of that being said, this is what I intend for my destiny in relation to my heritage to be. Right now, today, on the 3rd day of December 2008, I, Jessica Webb, take full responsibility for my actions, my words, and my life, right down to every little situation and detail. I am no longer a victim, but I am in full control of my life and my destiny. I create my life the way I want it to be, and no one can stop me by what they do, think or say about me or to me. I am successful and prosperous in all that I do, because I do it to the best of my ability and do not give responsibility to anyone or anything else. I am breaking the pattern of poverty and blame, I am turning those negative, unsupportive beliefs into positive, life-changing beliefs and habits. My destiny is to not only experience wealth for myself, but to let it cascade down to my family and all of those in my circle of influence. This is what I choose to do with my heritage, and what I choose to leave as my legacy and inheritance.

the barn

2008-11-28T21:46:00.003-05:00

When I was a kid, we had this old gun we used to play with. We'd take it out around the barnyard or the rest of the farm, or we'd play with it in the barn, which was where we originally found it.

We had the greatest barn any kid could ask for. It used to be our house, but even my memories of that are very vague (something about a doll and swings in the livingroom and visiting cousins). My clearer memories are from it being a barn.

We found all kinds of treasures in that barn. There was the cow bell, the gun, the kid carseats and the magazines. And that was just the beginning! It must have been junk left after we moved into the new house, but it was unfamiliar to us and incredibly exciting! We'd play in that barn for hours, exploring, playing games and just climbing up and down. We had a place at each end where we could climb up the side, via a window or fence. There were always the stairs, but I guess that was just too damn easy!

In the winter the bottom was often filled with hay, and we'd nudge bales around so we had tunnels and forts in the hay. What great adventures we had! Our cousins did the same thing at their place, and we'd all show then our forts and they'd show us theirs.

Our barn had lots of cats and chickens. Most of the cats were wild - would hide from us, and were a challenge to catch. For that matter, the chickens weren't exactly tame either, although there was a mean rooster or two over the course of time. Also during the winter we'd find frozen eggs, that were cracked, and we'd break them up into little bits and feed them to the chickens - until we indirectly got in trouble when our parents started wondering why the chickens were eating the eggs in the nest! I guess they developed a taste for them...

Then there were the times when "Pastor Denver" would preach a lofty sermon from the top floor, preaching to my sister and I, or just the barnyard animals. Oh to be able to listen in on those sermons now! I'm sure it would be beyond entertaining.

I still dream about that barn, and interestingly enough, the dreams are not good, are in fact often disturbing. I'll go to climb the stairs and they are gone, or I'll be stuck up in the top with no stairs, and unable to climb down the end. I'll spend the entire dream climbing over fences and trying to avoid the electric wires. I'll vie for space with disagreeable or downright threatening horses and other creatures. Or I'll be running or hiding from a bear. Rather curious. My memories of the barn seem to be positive, yet the dreams almost always have at least an underlying panic or fear. Something to ponder...

All in all, I have good memories of that barn. Hunting cats or other creatures, finding treasures or preaching to the barnyard, we knew how to have fun without a tv or video games, that's for sure!

speedwealth

2008-11-28T08:47:00.004-05:00

I got up early this morning - because I wanted to. Jon always gets up around 6-6:30, but I'll often sleep for another hour or two after that. This morning I was laying there contemplating whether or not to get up. A bit more sleep sounded good, but I felt like I should get up. Want to know what was the deciding factor? SpeedWealth. You see, a big part of the reason I didn't want to get up, was I didn't really have anything to look forward to. I figured, what the hell will I do if I get up early anyway? Have a shower and then piss away a couple hours on Facebook until I'm ready to start work? That doesn't get me very excited... Then I thought of something: I had downloaded this ebook after we got back from that conference - it was one that they talked about that both Jon and I wanted to read. So I had it on my computer, but hadn't actually sat down and read it through yet. As soon as I thought of it, though, I knew I had a reason to get out of bed!

So up I got, excited about digging into this ebook, and was it ever worth it! Let me tell you a bit about this book and maybe you'll get excited too!

SpeedWealth is written by T. Harv Eker, one of the self-made millionaire "gurus". The conference that we went to last weekend was put on by his company, and he is the one who originally wrote the Secrets of the Millionaire Mind that the conference was based on. (Haven't read that one yet...) The company seems to have gone downhill a fair bit since he first started teaching people, but luckily the book was written over 10 years ago and has some excellent principles and steps. The whole idea of the book is to give you 7 steps to follow in your business to make a million (or more) in 3 - 5 years. Sound good?

So I dug into this book this morning, hoping to pick up some tips for my business, and to find a system that I could follow to turn my business into a money-making machine that will work for me and without me eventually. And boy did I ever! I have a feeling that a few years down the road I may be looking back on this day and this book as the turning point in my business, and in my life! (Or at least a major turning point, as I'm sure there will be others.)

That being said, let me share with you what I've gleaned from this book so far. I need to develop my business into a system, where everything is systemized, from how and where I market, right down to how I actually design the site and get it live. Once a system is in place, then it can be done by anybody, and I can hire someone to manage, hire people to do the actual design work, etc, and the business can run without me. This is what is called passive business income. It works and makes money whether I'm there or not. Perfect!

But it goes even further. Not only can the business run without me, so that I can go and do whatever the hell I want elsewhere on other projects, but I now have a system that I can duplicate and sell (franchising). Not only that, but the business itself is worth a hell of a lot more and can be sold for a lot!

Now this gets me excited. But there's even more to the story. As I was reading through this book I started to get practical ideas to apply to my business right now, and now I'm really excited! It's one thing to read something with some good principles, steps, ideas, etc, but to actually have something to apply to my life right now is fantastic - it means I can actually do this!

So the ideas started flowing and I had to get up and get a pad of paper to start writing stuff down. I got one major idea that I am going to implement today that I think is going to really impact my marketing, sales and the whole business. I am going to find sales people to sell websites for me for a commission. Up to this point I've already planned to pay cash for referrals, but this is taking that a big step further. I am actually going to market and advertise this opportunity, and interview people who are interested, so that I get quality, skilled sales people who will best represent my company. And I'm going to develop the system as I go, so that they all do it the same way, the clients are all handled the same way, and so it can be done over and over again.

Do you see the possibilities now? Do you see the potential for your own business opportunities? This got me so excited that I had to immediately sit down and blog about it. Not only that, but I want to share the book with you, because I believe it can change your life and the way you do business as well. I am on my way to success and wealth, and I want to take as many people with me as I possibly can!

SpeedWealth by T. Harv Eker - download here.

time to turn up the thermostat!

2008-11-25T16:43:00.006-05:00

"It's better to give than to receive." Did you know that saying was originally a greek saying? And did you know that the actual translation is "It is better to be in a position to give than in a position where you have to receive"? Funny how things get so skewed and taken out of context, huh?

This was something I learned at the conference on the weekend. We talked about being good receivers. When someone compliments you, what should you do? You should simply say, "Thank you". Don't compliment them back. Simply receive it with a thank you and let them have the joy of giving the compliment. Or if someone offers to pay for your meal, don't argue with them over who is going to foot the bill - just say "Thank you" and let them have the pleasure of giving! I think we could all learn to be better receivers!

This applies to money and wealth as well. No one deserves to be poor. It is not more noble to be poor. And you are certainly not less spiritual if you are rich! I grew up with the mindset that it was noble to be poor and that rich people were greedy or had done something wrong to get all that money. Guess what? This is wrong! Generally speaking, it is poor people who are greedy and selfish, because all they are worried about is making ends meet for themselves! I've seen this in my own life. When I'm broke, that's all I'm worried about! I'm FAR less likely to help someone else out, because I'm so damn worried about my own finances. Wealthy people, on the other hand, are financially free, they don't have to worry about bills and making ends meet. They are in a much better position to help those around them and to give back some of their wealth to the world.

Somehow our society has passed on the belief that you should be satisfied with what you have, that you should work hard for your money, have a good career to support yourself, and be content with only what you need to survive. Anyone else see something wrong with this picture? How did money become so "evil"? And how we become such slaves to it?

Think about it: how much time do you spend worrying about money? Do you have to scrape to pay your bills? Do you have to work long days, or at a job you don't like, just to make enough to survive? That's certainly the boat I've been in my whole life! But I sincerely believe it doesn't have to be like that, and I am committed to obtaining financial freedom. I am committed to making my money work hard for me, instead of the other way around, and working smarter instead of harder. Anyone else want the same?

We each have a financial "thermostat", a level that we are comfortable at, because we are used to it, and because we subconsciously believe that is the level we should be at. We maintain that thermostat, and if our financial situation gets higher than that, we sabotage it, usually without ever realizing that we are! Hence the reason that in order to achieve wealth and the success I want, I have to change the way I think and the beliefs I have. I've been programmed to be poor - it's all that I've ever been taught! But guess what? Wealth is a learnable skill. Success is a learnable skill. Making lots of money in business is a learnable skill. It doesn't matter what you want to do or what you want to achieve - it is a learnable skill! If someone else has done it, then you most definitely can too!!! The only difference between me and a wealthy person is that they know something I don't!

It's so easy to complain, to blame other people and circumstances for where we are. I've certainly caught myself doing it many times! But guess what? I create my own life. No one else is responsible for where I am and how I'm doing. No one. I have the power to create exactly the life that I want! Again, it's a learnable skill! You can have reasons and excuses, or you can have results, but generally you can't have both. Or as Mr. Ford put it, "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't, you're right!"

I want to be able to look back when I'm 30 on the last five years and be amazed at how far I've come. I want to be successful and rich, instead of explain why I'm not! And so I am no longer going to make excuses and give reasons. I'm going to get results instead!

business proposal?

2008-11-24T20:22:00.002-05:00

I had an interesting situation with a potential client/employer lately. I found the ad on Kijiji for a website manager and thought I'd check it out. Who knows? I responded to the ad and said that was right up my alley and I'd be interested in finding out more. The guy called me and told me about the project. It sounded very interesting, and like it could potentially be an ongoing thing as well. I was definitely interested and a bit excited. So we both decided that we were interested in discussing it further for sure and agreed to meet up when I got back from Chicago. During the course of this conversation he mentioned that he would like to meet at his place. His office is there, and I would likely be doing some of the work from there as well.

I wasn't sure how I felt about this at the time, so didn't say anything, just said we'll talk about it on Monday. After thinking about it over the weekend, I was really not feeling comfortable with it, even though he had suggested I bring Jon, and it sounded like his wife was going to be there as well. It just didn't sit right with me. On a first meeting like that, for a business thing, I like to meet in a neutral place, meet somewhere for coffee or a beer. So when I called him today I mentioned that. Had to leave a voicemail as he wasn't home, but I mentioned it in the message and asked him to call me and let me know his thoughts.

Oh boy did he ever! He called me back and right off the bat said that wasn't acceptable. He asked why I didn't want to meet at his place, and I explained that it wasn't anything personal, I just wasn't comfortable with it and didn't like to do business that way, that I wanted to meet somewhere neutral first. He didn't get it. He didn't get it at all. He even got his wife on the phone to talk to me and she didn't get it either. It amazed me that not only did they not seem to see my point of view, they didn't even seem to respect it. They basically said if you won't come to our house for this meeting, then we don't want you to work for us.

Wow. I find myself nearly constantly surprised and shaking my head over people - the way they act, what they say. What happened to common sense and common courtesy? It's obviously not so common anymore!

Don't worry, I didn't cave. I stood up for myself, stuck to my guns and my professional standards - and didn't get the project. Which I am now very thankful for. Sure, it sounded like a great project, but if they were soooo discourteous and almost rude about something like that, then I'm glad I got out before getting in and before something came up later on when things were more complicated and I had more invested in it! Always better to have those issues show up early early on.

So it was a good learning experience for me, a good chance to practice being assertive and standing up for myself. I'm learning to really appreciate these opportunities to get outside of my comfort zone and to grow. After all, if I always stay where I'm comfortable, I will never achieve the success, wealth, adventure and all that good stuff that I want. So hurray for uncomfortable opportunities to grow!

seminar psychology

2008-11-24T15:12:00.003-05:00

Jon and I spent the weekend at a Millionaire Mind Intensive conference in Chicago. I will get into more details on my thoughts, insights, and more in other posts, but to start, I found some fascinating parallels between this and other seminars and conferences that I have been to.

I've attended a fair number of conferences over the last few years. During my early-early 20s, I was heavily involved in the religious/spiritual scene and attended numerous prophetic conferences, and have since attended other "secular" ones on topics such as internet marketing and developing a millionaire mind. I find the parallels fascinating - and in some cases disturbing. (Now don't get your knickers in a knot. I realize there is a fairly broad spectrum of people in my readership, and some of you will likely be offended - relax. Please. I am not attacking you or your beliefs. If need be, let's agree to disagree, okay?)

Most of these events are charged by hype and energy - which is not a bad thing. Where the problem comes in is when you get carried away by it. Energy is good - energy is GREAT. Energy is what gets you results, and you cannot and will not be successful without it! I love the energy at these things! But I am learning to also go in with a healthy amount of skepticism. Skepticism is also a good thing - as long as it doesn't develop into cynicism!

This event that we attended over the weekend contained some major hype and energy. The topic was about developing a millionaire mind - which included things such as recognizing and replacing un-supportive beliefs that you have about money, identifying opportunities to become wealthy (no matter what the economy is like), and learning how to make your money work hard for you - instead of you working hard for your money! The major focus was on changing the way you think and learning to think like a rich person instead of a poor person. Rather powerful, actually. There was some very good information presented, and I definitely learned some valuable things to apply in my own life.

What I found fascinating was the parallels between this conference and the christian/"prophetic" ones I used to attend. Guess what? There are some surprising similarities! Let's start with the "fear factor"...

Perhaps the most disturbing thing to me was this element of fear. This is a common thread at all of these things! The speaker/presenter uses fear very well to manipulate the crowd. It may be a fear of not having money, or working hard all your life only to find that you can't retire, or retirement isn't what you thought it would be. It may be a fear of darkness, demons, the devil, hell. It may be a fear of not being good enough, a fear of not measuring up to what others are doing (others around you, or the people in the examples they use). It may be a fear of sickness and disease, or a fear of poverty. It may even be a fear of being stuck in a boring religion, or a fear of spending the rest of your life just paying bills from paycheck to paycheck.

Or how about the fear of missing something at the conference itself? I've felt that one! They like that one. You are encouraged right from the beginning to be open, to not worry about what people around you think and to participate to the fullest degree that you can. You are told that if you don't, you won't get the most that you can out of it and you will miss something that could change your life. This may in fact be very true - whether it is true or not isn't the point. But it is a common theme at all of these things, and is used to get the response that the speaker wants, whether it be "coming to Jesus", signing up for another course, purchasing products, or whatever the case may be. The great evangelists wield it like a weapon, with their elaborations on hellfire and demonic possession. After all, who does want to go to hell, or be possessed by a subtle, yet deadly, demon?

I'm not quite sure where I stand on the tactic myself. I think it can be good to a point - after all, it is good to realize where we really stand, and to recognize problems or issues in our lives that we want to change. But how ethical is it to use that fear to manipulate people? Looking back on my experiences, I can recognize some of the ways that manipulation influenced me. The majority of the time, they provided a fix, or showed you the way to the fix, and things were great - for a while. But after coming down from the high of the conference, how often did I really hang on to that change? And how often did I give a donation, buy a product, or sign up for something as a result of that manipulation?

Another common theme is the testimonials, stories and examples. No one knows how many of them are even true, or how many have been embellished to make the point they want to make. The speaker has often been through some very trying time - a physical infirmity, a life of drug addiction, the loss of everything good in their life, or some such fantastic story and experience. Drastic and dramatic situations and stories suck people right in. We sympathize, empathize, feel sorry and want to help in any way we can. It gets our guard down and makes us much more likely to want to do what the person suggests or asks.

Or how about the speakers who have been where we are? The speaker at the conference this weekend mentioned many times how he started right where we were sitting. IN FACT, he sat in the very back row in the corner - sound familiar? In other words, he was the BIGGEST skeptic in the place - and he was convinced, so it must be the way to go! This follows suit in the other conferences as well. The speaker will tell how they were the biggest skeptic, the one who came in only for a few minutes, determined that they would leave before it had barely begun, or how they were dragged there by someone else. And of course, now they are up on the stage. They were convinced and sold on it. Or they will bring out their mentees, people who also sat where we are sitting and who decided they wanted to be trained by these people, and are now doing crusades all over the world, or are making $20,000 per weekend teaching seminars. Again, a common theme across the board!

Or, how many times have you been to some such big event where they DIDN'T ask you for money or try to sell you something? There is nothing wrong with selling, promoting, asking for donations. Don't get me wrong on that. Although it would be refreshing to attend an event where all they did was offer information, training, teaching and try to help you, without any promoting, selling or asking for donations. There are always people who want to buy the products, or donate to the cause, without being manipulated and pressured into doing so. And it is very possible to give them the opportunity, without promoting, selling, or asking for donations.

Which leads me to my last common theme: the pre-sell. We noticed it big time at this conference. They did provide some excellent teaching and information, but a lot of it was just "teasers", and you could always tell when they were leading up to another sale, because the information they promised was really good, something you really wanted to know - and it would turn into just a teaser, with more promised if you attended the particular course they were promoting. The pre-sells were always looong, they would spend about half the session talking about it - without really talking about it, trying to get you hooked. Now it's not always this bad, of course. But let's take a look at the christian version: the offering appeal. These can get incredibly flowery and drawn out at conferences! They will do a whole little mini-sermon before the offering, all about giving and how it is better to give than to receive (more about that in my next post) - and if you are paying attention, you can see it coming from a mile away! You can pick up on the clues and go, oh, look, here comes the offering, 30 minutes before they actually pass around the basket or bucket to collect. They will tie in some great points, some teaching, some "promises" of what you will or may get back. Their goal? To get everyone pumped up about it and wanting to give when the basket comes around. And how many of those people will later feel manipulated and "talked out" of their money?

Again, there's nothing wrong with giving, donating, buying, etc. But it seems to me that it would be much better to let people do so of their own accord, their own idea, and feel good about it much later, than to manipulate them, make them feel guilty about it, or tease them into it. In the long run, sure, you've got their money - but you sure don't have their trust!

Fascinating, isn't it? Perhaps a bit disturbing, as it was for me, to realize this. But here's the lesson I took away from it: don't check your mind at the door! Yes, do go into it with an open mind, ready and willing to learn everything you can to apply in your own life. Do participate, get excited, experience the energy. But don't leave your mind at the door! Don't be sucked into the hype. Realize that they do use these tactics, and don't make an impulse decision that you will later regret. Leave your money, credit card, etc outside, don't even take it in with you! You can always purchase or donate later, when your head is clear and you know that it is what you want, and what is right for you. With that out of that way, you can enjoy yourself and get everything that you can out of the meeting.

handmade christmas

2008-11-20T11:50:00.003-05:00

I didn't get excited about christmas last year. It was the first year I couldn't go home for it, and Jon had his kids, so I spent christmas morning by myself. That was the hardest part. I had dinner with Jon later in the day, and we exchanged gifts. It was enjoyable, but it just wasn't christmas without the christmas morning stockings and special breakfast. So this year I was thinking maybe I'll let myself get excited about it - and tug Jon along with me. It would be fun to start some of our own christmas traditions.

I remember when I was a kid how my parents made a lot of our gifts. I remember wood letters on wheels - our initials. Little wooden boxes with red velvet lining for our hair clips, and handmade scrunchies in various colors and patterns. One year it was slippers - moccasin style.

I remember the years when the extended family made stuff. We'd all get together at Grandma's house for christmas, all the aunts, uncles and cousins. Each family would have made a christmas tree ornament - and brought enough for every family to have one. We'd go home with a handful of handmade decorations. There was some pretty sweet shit made! I remember a walnut shell cradle with an acorn mouse in it, or a Round-to-it - made with a red wooden circle hung on a grey pipe cleaner and labeled (so you couldn't use the excuse that you didn't get around to it).

Christmas in those days was much simpler - and FAR more exciting! It reminds me of Little House on the Prairie where they got a stick of candy, a penny and a tin cup - and were thrilled to get it! Try giving that to your kid now - you'd be stoned! ;) The season has become much too commercialized now. Instead of spending wonderful hours making individual gifts for our loved ones, we join the mad throng of shoppers, buying gifts that a good percentage won't even be enjoyed or needed. You hear people talking about "what they want for christmas" or "what they think they're getting for christmas", and it has become all about buying "stuff".

So I am contemplating going back to my roots and going handmade this christmas. At least the majority of it. The funny thing is, I did some cleaning a couple months ago and got rid of a whole wack of stuff, including my crafting supplies, the little that I had, at least. Now I am kicking myself - but who knew I would actually decide to use it so soon? It did feel good to de-junk and de-clutter - and come to think of it, it's pretty easy to hit the dollar store and get a handful of supplies for whatever I decide to do this year. The moral of the story? I still think it's better to be quick to get rid of stuff than to hold on to it forever just because you might want it or use it someday. The someday doesn't come as often as we think it might...

sunsets and the big picture

2008-11-07T09:30:00.007-05:00

What is it about sunsets that grab us? Is it purely the artistic visual aspect, or is there something more, something emotional or spiritual? I have no answer for that myself - it just makes me curious. (And if you have an answer, or some thoughts, I'd love to hear them as well!)

I saw a couple of spectacular sunsets during my BC trip, and was able to capture them fairly well with my awesome new pink camera. (hehehe) For me I think it's the colors, the way the clouds fire up, and the deep intensity of the purples, oranges and yellows. I love nature, I love looking at it and capturing what I can of it. It's fascinating to me how it all works too, and to step back and allow yourself to see the big picture.

When I stand and look at a mountain, it reminds me of how very small I am. And to see that same mountain from the air, looking down on it, makes the big picture even grander - and me even smaller! I don't know about you, but I tend to get so caught up in my day to day life that I forget that big picture, and see everything in small sizes - everything except my problems and worries, that is. But when I stop and think about it, and really look around me, it doesn't take long to realize that my problems, my life, my worries, are entirely insignificant in the grand scheme of things! I am one tiny person, living on a tiny planet, in a little solar system in a galaxy that is just one in millions in the universe! How does that put things in perspective for you?

When I look at a sunset, it gives me an inkling of the bigger picture. I know how it works - or the jist of it at least. I know that it's not really the sun going down, it's the earth that's turning away from the sun (and around the sun), and that the sun is really this hugely ginormous ball of gas that is extremely far away from the earth. That also puts it in perspective for me. The colors are absolutely breathtaking, and it's quite a show, but it's more than that in the bigger picture. And to me that makes it even more breathtaking. This universe is a beautiful thing - and I'm only seeing a very very very small piece of it!

Flying definitely gives me this sense of the big picture - in a small plane, or in a commercial jet. I always go for the window seat, because I love to see the land from that high in the air. On my last flight, from Calgary to London ON, it was pretty clear the whole way, very few clouds, so I was able to see a lot from the air, including the fabulous sunset. Seeing it from the air gives you an even better picture of the vastness - you can see for miles - hundreds of miles even! You see the lights from numerous cities, and lakes and mountains. It really lays it out for you, and it always makes me think of the bigger picture.

I've watched a couple Star Trek series and some other sci-fi shows, as well as reading a lot of sci-fi, and the idea of space travel fascinates me. I hope to see it within my lifetime, and I would certainly jump at the chance to see space, or even the moon, up close and personal! I believe there is other life out there, other planets, other systems even with more than one planet. And while the thought of making first contact with another species is a bit frightening, it is also extremely exhilerating, and I really hope I get to see the day when it happens! It is a pretty big piece of this big picture - or at least a pretty big thing for our minds to take in. And perhaps the majority of humanity isn't ready for it, and isn't likely to be any time soon. But then again, perhaps we will never be really ready for it, and it will just have to be sprung on us!

bareback and barefoot

2008-10-28T19:11:00.004-04:00

It's been far too long since I went horseback riding - but it's like riding a bike: it doesn't matter how long it's been, you get back on and it's natural, feels like it hasn't been very long. I could do it with my eyes closed - it feels like home!

It was rather nice to get back on my beautiful Bonnie. I love that horse. And I've missed riding her. Sigh. There's something about the feel of a warm horse, and the smooth motion of a nice trot or lope.

It took me back to the days when we used to go riding all the time. It was our life! Dixie and I would go even when it was freezing cold out - we'd bundle up, and maybe wouldn't go for as long as we normally would, but we'd still be out there! When we lived in Kitwanga, we lived right by a river, and we'd go and ride up the river, or across to the field on the other side. There were all kinds of places to ride around there!

My teenage years were spent on the back of a horse. We had crushes on local guys that we'd see when we were out riding - we'd watch for them to drive by. Typical teenage crushes. We'd ride into town to the store, or the post office. We were almost a part of the scenery, and well-known by the locals. The Webb kids, or the Dixie-Chicks as we were later nicknamed.

There is something so relaxing and peaceful about seeing the world from the back of a horse. No stress, no worries about work or business, no need to even think about any of that stuff. It's just you, and the horse. I've always been a fan of bareback riding too (no saddle), and have seen my share of messy jeans. The best is during the summer, on a warm sunny day, when you can leave the shoes as well! Barefoot and bareback - ahhh, the simple pleasures of summer!

It's been very nice to get back to a simple, laidback lifestyle, even if just for a week. Makes me more determined to get my life more simplified, and get out of the city. There's a lot to be said for fresh air! I can't get over how very good it is to breath in the smell of forest and farm again!

bird's-eye view

2008-10-27T23:09:00.003-04:00

I got to go for a plane ride today - not a commercial plane, but a little two-man plane. Big difference. And what a view! I was a wee bit nervous, having never been up in a little plane, but it was fantastic! I loved it! The nose-overs were a bit, ummm, stomach dropping, but even that was a bit exhilarating. Not quite as terrifying as a roller coaster. And pretty amazing to see the valley from that high in the air! So beautiful! We went up the Kispiox quite a ways - would have taken close to 2 hours to drive out that far and back, but only took a few minutes in the plane. Pretty sweet stuff! I would definitely do it again!

Watch for pics and videos from the flight when I get to another internet connection - as I used up too much bandwidth uploading pics on my parent's connection the other night. Oops.

The trip is going well. I am managing with the cold, although my feet are chilly. My next vacation needs to be somewhere WARM! It has been oh so good to see everyone again though. I did have one person ask me when I was going to "come back home" again - as in move back to the north. I was unprepared and didn't give the greatest answer. I hate it when people ask me that, or make comments about it. What gives them the right to think that I should be here? My response should have been something like, "I am home there, and don't plan to leave any time soon." (sigh) It just drives me crazy when people seem to think they know how my life should be, and that I don't. My "theme" song has become Billy Joel's "My Life". I don't need you to worry bout me cause I'm alright, I don't need you to tell me it's time to come home... I don't mind people caring about me, or wanting me to be happy and successful - that's normal and part of being a friend, family, etc. It's the people who think I'm not in the right place that bug me. Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone... What gives them the right to decide where I belong? I'm sure they think they got that info from God (knowing the person who said it), but to me it seems so very arrogant and judgmental. They don't even so much as take the time to talk to me and see how I'm doing! And to think that I was similar to that not so long ago... Oye...

I am already looking forward to getting back to Ontario. How sad is that? I still have a loong drive to get back to Calgary though. Will be kinda nice to do a road trip by myself. I'll be able to listen to my audio books and get all pumped up about business and new things to try. That's always fun! Will get me back in Windsor in a great frame of mind!

cold vacations

2008-10-22T13:16:00.002-04:00

Perhaps I shouldn't even be calling it a vacation. Vacation to me means warm, sunny, relaxing... And this certainly isn't all of those! Alberta is COLD, and so far the trip has held a fair amount of stress and fatigue. But then again, it HAS just begun! I arrived in Alberta yesterday morning, spend an hour or so on the phone with my credit card company trying to get my card to work for the rental car, then drove to Lacombe, where my bro Salem is going to school. Now I am just hanging out until he is done his last class this afternoon and we can head on out to BC-home. So I still have a 12 hour drive ahead of me before I can really relax - oh wait, I can't relax even then! We'll arrive home around 4am or so, then I have an appointment in Terrace (2 hours away) at 1:30 that afternoon to (hopefully) get my last retainer out. Then off to Prince Rupert (another hour or so) to hang out until Denver's wedding on Friday. Whew!!! Perhaps by Saturday I'll be able to just relax at home - but wait, I have tons of people to visit!

No, I'm not complaining. I'm just wondering why I call it a vacation! ;)

All in all, I am enjoying it so far - other than the rental car/credit card thing. I almost had to turn around and go back to Windsor, since without a car I'm screwed. But besides that, it's good to be out tripping around on my own again. Been a while since I went traveling all by my lonesome!

no need to apologize

2008-10-07T10:43:00.003-04:00

I see a common thread in conversations and in relating to people. Everyone apologizes - and most of the time when they shouldn't! I am not excluding myself in this either. I catch myself saying sorry when it is something I should not be apologizing for. In essence, we often apologize for who we are, or for being ourselves. Anyone else have a problem with this?

I apologize if I'm in someone's way - even when I have as much right to be there as they do. I apologize for things I say, when I'm speaking honestly and saying what I really think. I apologize for the way I feel sometimes. What is wrong with this picture?

Frankly, I often say I'm sorry because I don't know what else to say. It just pops out, because I'm so used to saying it, and I don't stop and think about another answer. A clear-cut case of not thinking before I speak! But it's something I want to change. I want to learn to think more before I speak, and to be so confident in who I am that I feel no need to apologize for it!

run, fat boy, run

2008-10-04T12:04:00.003-04:00

As "they" say, If you can't love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to love you? Or, for that matter, how can you love anyone else? This is the one thing that I consider most important for myself. If I can't love myself, and be confident and excited about who I am, then how can I expect to really achieve what I want? I have to first believe that what I want is truly important, and that I deserve to have what I want. And that all stems out of loving me.

I have gotten to the point where I look in the mirror and actually like what I see. And I just love working out in front of the mirror too and watching my muscles and body respond. I tell myself frequently that I am sexy - and I actually believe it!

This is a long way from where I used to be. Particularly my teenage years, were very awkward and depressing. I didn't like how I looked and I didn't feel confident at all with myself. How far I have come since then! I look back over the last ten years and barely know the person I was then. I still have plenty of growth and development ahead of me, but if the next ten years are even half what the last then were, then I look forward to even greater leaps and bounds, because I now have a fantastic foundation to build on!

Jon and I watched a fabulous movie last night that got me really thinking about the next steps to take in my personal development. Run, Fat Boy, Run is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time (Iron Man is the other one). It is a comedy, with a really great message that stuck right with me. Usually I see these movies and sure, I see the message, but it doesn't necessarily personalize for me. This one did. I could relate to the character far too well! Like Dennis Doyle, I have often tended to run from things and give up when the going gets tough. As I watched him run that marathon, and finish, I thought, That is what I need! I need to do something extremely physical, that takes every ounce of determination and persistence I can possibly muster to finish.

So I'm starting with a workout program. And I'm giving myself a set amount of time - three weeks, which will take me up until my BC trip. I am going to watch my diet, take vitamins and protein shakes, and work out hard. When it comes to physical stamina and strength, I have tended to be a wimp, but no more!

The last month or so I've been really struggling with motivating myself, and have been fighting off depression and discouragement. My life was starting to feel so cluttered and scattered. I realized I needed to change something, but wasn't sure what. Part of the problem was that I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore - not clearly enough to really go for it, at least. This movie, and the determination and inspiration that it brought me, has given me something to work toward, something to put my energy into. Now I need to sit down and write some specific goals for the next three weeks, and I'll be on my way!

I still don't quite know what I want for my business, or other areas of my life, but I feel like I at least have something to put my heart into, and I know the rest will come. And I've got a great coach for this start, as well. Jon picked me up some vitamins and protein powder, and we're both going to be working on a menu to help us eat better - and he's good for suggestions for workouts too. I don't know if he'll go so far as to get out a spatula, like Dennis Doyle's coach did, but I know he'll be there when I need him, to encourage and even prod me along. And to point out the results as he sees them. Ah, I am blessed to have him in my life!!

My next personal development challenge - which I may take on at the same time - is to be more confident in interacting with people, to carry myself with more confidence and to learn to communicate with extreme confidence - especially in tense situations!

Look out world, here I come!

day from hell

2008-09-15T19:14:00.002-04:00

First off I want to write a bit of a "disclaimer". I fully realize that much of what I write in this blog may be offensive to some of my readers. One comment after my last post made me realize just how many toes I may be stepping on. So I want to say, what I write here is in no way a personal jab at anyone. I am not trying to pick on anyone, or point at anyone. If what I say strikes you as being very personal (toward you) then please, take it to heart and see what you can learn from it (as we should with anything that strikes close to us), and if not, then please just brush it off. I am not talking about you.

That being said, on to the meat and potatoes.

Today was a bit of a day from hell. It was a Monday. And not only was it a Monday, it was a Monday after a hell of a weekend. Whew! Let's just say, I'm glad this Monday is almost over!!!!!!

I had my six month review for the self employment assistance program. I really really appreciate the financial support this program has provided me with, and I have learned a lot through their training as well, but there is a price to be paid for it!!! My six month review entailed the program director coming out to my place of business (my home office), going over my books and then deciding whether or not I get an extension. Oh boy. Oy boh. I'll sum it up. Don't want to drag you through the excruciating process... I got a 6 week extension. But I had to speak up for it. She wasn't going to give it to me, based on the "numbers" in my books. But then I pointed out that the last month, and this month, are looking much better, and she very reluctantly decided to give me an extension.

Now, I'm not one to sneeze at free money, but part of me was oh so tempted to say, "You know what? If you are that unsure about giving me an extension, then please don't bother!" I know I can make it on my own, and part of me is chafing at "sucking up" to the program director to get more free money. To be honest, I doubt I will be in the web design business for too much longer - I have my sights set on other things - and so at times I am unsure if it is even wise to continue in this vein. But experience breeds wisdom, and wisdom is as good as gold. I figure if I can make this business work for me in a year, then I will have that much more experience (and wisdom?) under my belt for my future endeavors! And so I stick with it. Not only that, but the process of building a business also increases your network. I have encountered people that I wouldn't have met otherwise - and am certainly much richer for it!

The rest of the day from hell was on the phone. I needed to call one of my student loans accounts to arrange a payment plan so I can get that all paid off, and I'm working through a credit counselor, so I can make all my payments in one shot. Oye. I had to call each place at least twice, because they kept saying, "oh, we don't do that, they are supposed to do [insert action here]." I hung up on one woman who was going on and on and wasn't listening to me. Felt a bit bad, but hey, she was probably glad the call was cut short! (I've worked at a call centre, I know I would've been! lol) I was getting so very very frusterated, particularly after what the rest of the day was like, and then I got a very nice gal on the phone at the credit counselors. Thank goodness! She understood what I was trying to do, spoke good english, and was very nice to talk to. I was able to get the matter taken care of! :D It certainly could have been worse!

So maybe it asn't quite a day from hell. In fact, it is now almost 7:30pm, the day is almost over, and looking back, it wasn't that bad. I stood up for myself with the program director - something I normally wouldn't do - and I managed to deal with call centre operators AND get my objective for the call done. The emotional stuff I was dealing with right off the bat this morning wasn't all that bad, and even though I felt discouraged during a good part of the day, I know in the end it's all going to be alright. Tomorrow is another day - a better one, I'm sure! - and we all have crappy days, after all. ;)

So I am moving up and moving on!!!! Yes, still on my quest to enlightened millionairedom, and more than ever determined to make my dreams come true - and those of others. Life is an adventure, after all. You never know what tomorrow will hold. Who will you meet? What opportunity will come your way? What new thing will you learn? Don't miss out on it, okay? Take that chance, that risk, and watch your life chance and blossom right in front of your eyes!!!

who wants to make money?

2008-09-08T09:44:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine recently posted a note on facebook talking about how he was committing to double his income in the next 6 months and was looking for others who wanted to do the same. I enjoyed his note, as this certainly parallels what I have committed to do myself, but I was amazed at the negative responses he got. Some of the comments had me gaping and shaking my head.

People, especially "christian" people, seem to be shockingly threatened by someone wanting to make money. The comments in response to his post included digs and insults (subtle and righteous of course) that triggered a sad outrage inside me. He was as good as accused of being a "spoiled brat" who "needs" a private jet, big mansion and several expensive cars. The comments were defensive, as if people felt they suddenly had to defend themselves and explain why they didn't need or want more money. The theme was one that I have heard over and over all my life. "I have my wonderful friends and family, what more do I need?" along with references to "God's will in my life." And all of this simply because one man declared that he wanted to succeed financially!

What is the problem with money, and when and where did people get the idea that it is evil to want to make money? What is wrong with this picture? What kind of society ridicules and discourages someone wanting to be financially successful? What is this mindset that holds so many people captive - and broke or close to it? How have we become so ignorant when it comes to money?

Perhaps this is in danger of becoming my favorite personal rant. It is certainly a topic that causes me much concern, as I firmly believe we can all be financially successful and live the lives we desire and were meant to live - but so few people will let go of their current beliefs enough to realize that there may be a better way. They are "content" to live from paycheck to paycheck, putting their money into cars and houses, that cost them money instead of making more. They have not been taught how to make money work for them, and so they work for money. It seems to me that the real evil where money is concerned is this attitude and ignorance that enslaves people to money, instead of learning how it works and how to make it work for them...

i was never taught...

2008-09-05T17:09:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of things that I was never taught - how to set and achieve goals, how to function in an intimate relationship (particularly sexually), how to make money work for me (instead of working for money), and many other things. In fact, I was raised with the opposite mindset with these things. I was taught to work for money, and the topic of how to function sexually was certainly avoided. Goals were talked about, but no actual training on how to go about it exactly. And these are all skills that I have come to believe are rather important to success in life!

So no, I wasn't taught these things, but I have been learning them as needed. And it fascinates me how easily we humans adapt to things, and how much we are capable of learning. We may not be brought up with a skill, but our brains are so amazing that we can literally program that skill right in with some training and practice - and it then becomes something we can do without thinking! Have you ever stopped and really thought about that?

I can do anything I want. I may not know how - yet - but I can definitely learn! It doesn't matter what I already know or don't know, it doesn't matter how I was raised, it doesn't even much matter what natural talents I have! I can learn and do anything I want to do - and so can anyone else.

We really have no idea of the power of our mind. We let ourselves slip into an everyday routine, doing what we know and not remembering that we have the power to do whatever we want and create whatever we want. For instance, did you know that if you set a goal, picture it in your mind, and do that continually every day, that your subconscious mind will see that, see the reality, and figure out a way to make that the reality? It will try to line things up, make it match, by doing whatever it takes to make that goal reality in your physical world. Yes, people, THAT is the power of your brain!

So you may not have learned something growing up, you may have been taught things that don't help you now, and not taught the things that you most need, but guess what? That doesn't matter, because you have the world's best computer in your head - and you can accomplish anything you want! :)

to be or not to be... healthy

2008-08-25T17:15:00.002-04:00

I was having a discussion with someone the other night and suddenly had an interesting thought. The topic, I believe, was religion, or something similar, and my thought was a bit random, but perhaps related as well. I realized that while growing up, pretty much everyone around me was "health-conscious", vegetarian, and many of them were into the natural cures and all these drinks and vitamins and all kinds of natural healing. The shocking thing that I realized, was that many of those very people were sick a lot, and still are to this day. They do not enjoy the vibrant health that, according to their theories, they should. They may be overweight, or get frequent colds, or suffer from asthma or all kinds of allergies. Although they are proponents of health, they are not themselves healthy.

This realization caused me to stop and think. How does this apply to me? Well, either they had the wrong information - what they thought was healthy was indeed not, or they were missing some other piece of the puzzle. Perhaps it was a combination of both.

We all grow up with a set of beliefs and values, that we develop and personalize, but tend to cling to - anything outside of our beliefs is "wrong", "unhealthy", "bad", or any other number of labels that we pin to it. And yet everyone else also has beliefs, many of them dramatically different from our own. Who's to say who is right? Who is to say that your beliefs are right, and mine are wrong - or vice versa? I was raised in a social community that was very judgmental and rigid in their beliefs - anyone who didn't believe the same was wrong, and going to hell (or something similar). There was little room for being open minded, or for new ideas. Everything was doctrine, the way it had always been done. There was no "better way".

What does this have to do with the health issue? Believe it or not, it all ties in together. We get so stuck in our own beliefs, even when it comes to health, that we think we know what is right, and what will work, and are blind to other options. We do the same thing, over and over. We eat the same food, or if we try a new diet, we don't change our other habits so that it either doesn't "stick", or it doesn't have the affect we want because there is something else contributing to the problem. If we were open minded to trying new options - options beyond a new health product, or a new special diet - we would be far more likely to find something that works. What about emotional and mental blocks? What about a new mindset, where you picture yourself healthy? What about exercise - no, not boring "have to" exercise, but finding something you love doing that gets you moving and working.

More and more I find I am being challenged to open my mind, to be open to new ideas, and to try different things. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. If your health, or your life, isn't the way you want it, why keep doing things the same way? Do you think you'll get different results? Or would you be more likely to see things change if you tried something different, something you haven't done before?

Gasp. What a novel idea!

what have we lost?

2008-08-13T20:15:00.002-04:00

It amazes and saddens me to see how much we as humans have lost - or simply never gained perhaps. We rely on so many things for our happiness and success, never achieving what we really want, when all the while, we have the power inside of each of us to shape our lives, our destinies, exactly the way we want.

All my life I've heard people talk about doing something or having something IF it's "God's will". "I will go to this school, if that's what God wants," "I will get this job, if that's what God wants," "I will overcome this disease, if it's God's will." Don't get me wrong, I'm not "knocking" the God-thing - whatever works for you - but it makes me want to shake people and say, wake up! You have the power inside of YOU to make your life the way YOU want it - and incidentally, there is nothing wrong with that! You deserve to be happy. You deserve to dream, and to see those dreams fulfilled.

So why do we settle for what someone else wants? Why do we feel guilty for choosing something that we really want, or for living our lives the way we really want? Why do we stay stuck in dead-end jobs, and abusive relationships? Why do we live in poverty, afraid to even suggest that maybe we should be seeking wealth? Did you know that you cannot have a full, happy and fulfilled life without money - and lots of it? Even if you want to save the world, help your community, do all those noble things, you still need money!!! But somehow money has become "evil", and poverty has become "blessed". We have fallen so very far from our full potential that most people don't even have a clue as to what their lives can really be.

Religion has played a huge part in this backwards attitude. Poverty is extolled and wealth is looked on as bad, if not downright evil. If you want to be wealthy, then "you have your priorities wrong". If you seek to do what you want, and to live the life that you want, then you are "selfish" or "not following God's will." Funny that no one ever clued in that just maybe, perhaps, God would want you to live the life you want and be happy? And just maybe, perhaps, God would like to see you rich in money, as well as other things?

We have so much potential! The power of the human brain is incredible when it comes to success, and setting goals and achieving them. Did you know that you can convince your subconscious mind that your life is a certain way and it will then do whatever it takes to make it so? Your brain is the most powerful computer in the world - but how many of us actually take advantage of it?

I want to challenge you to tap into that power today, to start to change your thinking and to realize that you can have what you want, and that you deserve to live a successful and fulfilled life, full of wealth and happiness. Know that you can accomplish absolutely anything that you put your mind to - and do it!

For more resources on this topic, check out "One Minute Millionaire" by Robert Allen and Mark Victor Hansen, "Goals!" by Brian Tracy, and "Secrets of Success" by Jack Canfield. And, if you get through those and want more, contact me, I can hook you up! Reach for the stars, if that's what you want, and don't give up until you have them!

no one ever told me i could rope the moon

2008-08-04T11:21:00.002-04:00

In fact they were all very good at discouraging even trying. There was reality, they said. Anything outside of their knowledge or experience was just fantasy. So you want to go to college? Great, no problem, we know you can do it. You can do whatever you want. But what if I want to rope the moon? Twirl that lasso around and around my head and out over the moon, pull it down, down until it kisses my face. Who says it can't be done? They all do.

But one day I did it. I heard them all around me saying, Get a real job, or You can't always live in a dream world, or Don't let your imagination get the best of you! And I shut them out, closed my eyes and took a breath, then began to twirl my lasso around my head. It swung out, out, out until it swished around the far side of the satellite. I tugged it snug and began to coax it down, romancing the moon. And it kissed my face, leaving a residue of other worldliness and a call in my heart.

No one ever told me I could rope the moon. Perhaps they just didn't know. But I always knew, in the part of me that is me, I knew that I could do anything I want. I knew that I had the potential and power to fly or shake the world. I knew I could rope the moon!

photographity

2008-06-13T16:01:00.003-04:00

I have discovered that I love photography. I thoroughly enjoy playing around with a camera, taking shots, capturing the artistic images I see every day. So I decided to start a collection of some of my favorite photographs to share with other artistic minded souls.

My collection can be viewed at http://www.tehjess.com. Enjoy!

summer adventures

2008-06-04T18:50:00.003-04:00

Summer has finally arrived and I had a chance to really soak it in on the weekend. Thursday I had lunch with Jon down by the river and watched the planes practicing for the Red Bull air race, then that evening we drove up to Port Dover to see his family, since his dad was having surgery. The scenery was great and the fresh air was even better. Got some great pictures and enjoyed getting out of Windsor! Was nice to meet some of his family as well.

Saturday and Sunday was the Red Bull air race, with the course set up on the Detroit River (between Detroit and Windsor, for those of you who don't know...). So we spent both afternoons down by the river, hanging out with some friends, having some drinks, and enjoying the airplanes. It was cancelled on Saturday, due to the wind, but was still fun to just hang out. Sunday had more action, with the races and some air show stuff - including a very cool helicopter show. Who would have thought that a helicopter could move like that? It was pretty neat.

So I spent a fair bit of time in the sun, and have a bit of a tan to show for it. It's a beautiful thing, and a good start for what I want to get during the rest of the summer. Yes, that's right, I'm going for not only a hot body from working out, but also a hot tan! Whoo hoo! Seriously, though, I looked in the mirror at the gym the other morning and just about couldn't' believe how good it's looking - my bod, that is. I haven't ever been in this great of shape, and I am LOVING it! It feels great to see and feel the muscles building and things "shaping" up.

Business is coming along, slowly but surely. Jon and I attended a networking event last night, and it looks like I will likely get a new client out of it. A lawyer, who would like to set up a website. Very coolness. Always exciting to get a new project!

is summer lost?!

2008-05-21T11:55:00.002-04:00

Here it is the end of May and I'm still cold. It should be summer, it should be warm and sunny. We have the sun, but the temperature is still not what it should be. Perhaps summer got lost, or forgot where I live? I just hope It knows how to ask for directions...!!!

I've had some adventure this week. I got hit by a car yesterday when I was biking. (And now everyone is going, "What?!? Are you okay?" and your heart probably skipped a beat, right?) I had gone over to the east side of town to visit a friend from the SEA class who set up a neat dog bathhouse there. I wanted to see her shop and talk to her about her website - which she wants me to set up for her. So I biked over there in the afternoon, a nice ride, had a great visit with her and was pumped when I started biking back. Shortly after I started back, I went to cross a cross-street and there was a car there, waiting to turn right. He was stopped, so I went ahead to cross - I had the right-of-way and figured he'd seen me. He hadn't. Just as I pulled out in front crossing the street, he started to pull out into the main street, and his front bumper connected with my left foot and bicycle. Scary! I saw it in slow motion through a haze. He stopped really quick, and I had been knocked over a bit, so went to straighten up my bike and make sure everything was okay. It felt incredibly surreal! He got out of the car and asked if I was okay. My ankle was bruised, but other than that I was physically fine. Not the case with my bike however. I started checking it out and discovered that the front tire was warped pretty bad - couldn't even push the bike without lifting the front! So he pulled over into a parking spot and then offered to give me a ride and replace my wheel. I was cool with that. So to sum up, I went with him to Canadian Tire, and he actually bought me a whole new bike! Guess the guy felt pretty bad - who wouldn't? Was nice of him to take the time to replace my bike and everything though. So it actually worked out well for me. I have a brand new bike - and a nice one at that! The only negative thing is my bruised ankle, but I don't even feel that unless I press on it, so it's pretty minor. Quite the adventure though!

In business news, things are picking up. I have three new clients who want their websites started right away, so that should keep me busy for a bit, and will look good on my records for the SEA program. It's nice to see the business starting to gather some momentum. If I do a good job for these clients, I know they'll be glad to pass my name on to others - and of course I'll do a good job! Good to be able to build my portfolio and testimonials too.

growth pains

2008-05-16T11:57:00.002-04:00

I'm sure we are all familiar with the concept of physical growth pains - the idea that as a physical body grows, there are certain pains that come with it as the body adjusts. Anyone who works out or exercises strenuously knows this as well. Astonishingly enough, this goes the same for mental, emotional and spiritual growth. I know, surprise, huh? For someone who is committed to lifelong learning and personal development, I am familiar with these growth pains. I am learning that the trick for me is to be able to look past the pains and not get focused on the side effects of the growth.

I am learning to handle pain better - I've often been a wimp when it comes to any kind of pain. When it comes to personal growth, I tend to get all excited and see things I want to change and improve, but then get overwhelmed because I can't do it all at once, or because it is not happening as fast as I want it to. I have always been impulsive and ready to take action, sometimes without thinking it through enough. This can of course result in even more growth pains than necessary. I am learning, though. That is the whole point of personal improvement after all.

Lately I have been finding myself tempted to get discouraged again. So much information, so many challenges to do more, be more, and so many areas to work on in myself or my business. It gets overwhelming when you don't know where to start, or what to focus on first. Again, a learning curve. It is possible to learn to prioritize and put things in perspective, so you don't get overwhelmed and know where to start. I am learning to do this for myself and am finding ways to cut back on multi-tasking, or write out to-do lists, and even using a day planner to keep myself more focused and to get things done that are important and constructive, as opposed to just time fillers.

Over all, I would rather be feeling the growth pains and having to learn new organization and prioritizing skills, than to be content staying in exactly the same place. Life is about growth, development, trying new things. And in the end, it is well worth the pain to be able to look back and see where you've come from and how far you have come. My 25th birthday is coming up, and as I look back over the last 10 years, I am amazed to see how I have grown and developed, and the path I took to get to where I am today. I am thankful to the people who have helped me along that path and encouraged me during the rough spots, and inspired during the high spots, but most of all I am thankful for the spirit and confidence inside of me that has pushed me to where I am today. After all, it wouldn't matter who was trying to encourage or inspire me if I wasn't able to accept it and use it.

[no subject]

2008-05-12T16:13:00.002-04:00

I've been sitting here for at least 5 minutes, a blank blog box in front of me, trying to decide how to start it. I guess this is as good a start as any! Gotta love those blank mind moments!

I seem to be keeping busy. Business is slower than I would like, but I'm working on figuring out how to get more clients and get things to pick up. I have finally managed to get to some other stuff I've been meaning to do, so I am feeling pretty good about that. I've done up an image board - a collage with pictures of houses, landscaping and whatnot that I really like. A bit of a visual goal board of where I'd like to be as far as lifestyle and whatnot. That's something I've been meaning to do for a few months now. Then I got my guitar fixed. It needed new bridges - upper and lower - and new strings. Been needing the bridges for about two years now. Finally decided to just do it. Always feels good to get things like that done!

I've been doing more creative crafty stuff lately and loving it. Did up a table for Jon for the backyard, with a tile mosaic. Looks pretty fantastic, and was fun to do. Did some sewing on the weekend as well. Making another quilt, and enjoying getting creative with it. I love to see things like that come together, and to see the idea I had in my head turn out well on paper, fabric, internet, or whatever medium I happen to be using! I'll have to take a picture to post so you can all see it. Yes, I like to show off a bit - but who doesn't?

I've planted a garden as well and am enjoying watching that come up. Everything seems to be growing great - particularly the radishes and beans! Will be great to have some fresh stuff from the garden in a few weeks. I've missed doing stuff like that, so it's been nice to have the opportunity again. I even enjoyed the hard work of digging up the garden spot with a shovel! Still have callouses from that, but it always feels good to put my muscles into something and feel like I've done a good, hard job. I used to hate having to work when I was a kid, but now I love it - probably because I don't have to do it, so I can actually enjoy it. Funny how our minds work that way, huh?

On another note, I think I have my website all updated and where I want it. Feel free to check it out and give me some feedback! The link is on the right under my picture...

And that's all for now, folks! Enjoy your May day! :-P

reputations

2008-04-28T15:03:00.002-04:00

I finished the business admin classes on Friday. It was somewhat sad, as I will no longer be interacting with the others in the program on a regular basis, but it's nice to have my mornings back. I was able to hit the gym this morning without having to go super early, which I definitely prefer!

I was paid a very nice compliment by one of the others in the class. She said she wanted to compliment me on being a young adult and having my own business, as well as the dedication it took to bike to class every morning, and never late. It really encouraged me to hear her say that. A couple days later I was talking to Jon about it and got to thinking about why it is that it means so much to me to hear things like that. Sure, we all like to be complimented and hear that other people admire us, but there's often even more to it than just that too. As I was analyzing myself and my background, I hit upon a very interesting dynamic. I've always had a good reputation, been seen as a "good kid", but it was always because of the family I was from, or the church I attended. So sure it was nice to hear, but I was piggybacking off of someone else for the most part, and it was never just my reputation. That has all changed now. I've been living in Windsor for almost two years, and no one here knows my family, or even really has any idea what they are like! Not only that, but I'm no longer associated with any religious group or organization. The reputation that I am building is finally completely my own. And to hear someone compliment me and say they admire me for having my own business and having the dedication to bike to class is a sign that I am building the kind of reputation I want. It's like a road sign that says I'm going the right direction.

It's always been my dream to work for myself. I was just never satisfied with someone else giving me a schedule, telling me what to wear and how to run things. From my first real job on I was always chaffing at having to work for someone else. I knew there was a better option, I just wasn't sure how to get there. Imagine my relief and wonder to now find myself with the resources and ability to be able to do exactly that! It feels a bit unreal, but I guess I always knew I could do it - and I was definitely given some of the tools needed while growing up.

So business is going well! I've been keeping busy getting my books all set up and my paperwork and office space organized. Spent a few hours on the weekend getting rid of stuff and re-organizing my whole room. Gives me the warm fuzzies to walk in now as my living space is so much improved! Minimal clutter, more floor space and just an overall nicer looking room. Makes it much more pleasant to work in.

I've been spending a fair bit of time outdoors as well. Planted a little garden at Jon's and have been helping him with some other things around his place too. Feels great to get creative and make something with my hands, as well as just do something physical. Since most of my work is on the computer, and I spend a lot of time sitting and typing, I start to crave actual physical work and getting my hands dirty. Thankfully I have a boyfriend who has his own house and is more than glad for the help!

And that's the update on my life...

road rage

2008-04-17T15:33:00.002-04:00

As a frequent cycler, I am often amazed at how irresponsible and just plain inconsiderate people are. They pay attention to other traffic and pedestrians better than they do to bikers. We seem to fit somewhere in between regular car traffic and those on foot, but somehow we get overlooked a lot of times. I notice it especially when going to cross an intersecting street. People will pull up to the stop sign or stop light and will pull up so far that you cannot bike around them, or you have to bike around the back. They'll sit there, wanting to make a right hand turn, and will be watching the traffic coming from the left, and don't look to the right, so don't see you coming and then start to pull out without looking back to the right. It drives me crazy! THEY have the stop sign, I don't. If it was another car, they would be more likely to notice and wait - but they seem to underestimate us bikers. I see it over and over and over again, and it annoys me more and more each time. When I was first driving and taking my road exam, I was told to look both ways when you go to make a right turn to watch for bikers. But apparently most people do not know this. Luckily I am attentive and keep my hand on the brake, ready to stop short if they start to pull out in front of me, but sheesh, why are drivers so inconsiderate and unaware?

In business news, I have a week of classes left - then I can do the stuff full time. I am looking forward to that! I've enjoyed the classes, learned a lot and really enjoyed getting to know the others in the program, but I am looking forward to having the whole day to make sales, build websites, start learning more skills to be able to offer, and get myself more organized. So very much work goes into starting a new business! I'm seeing areas that I want to learn and expand into as well, like graphic design and search engine optimization. I would love to be able to promise a client to get their website on the first page of google results for their search term. But that's not easy! Especially with so many others trying to get the same result. But to be able to learn how to do that, practice it and get results and then be able to deliver on that to clients would be a huge advantage - and I'm all about the ADVANTAGE!

I am enjoying spring. I've been biking to class every day - about a 20 minute ride - and it's been getting nicer and nicer every day. So pleasant to be able to enjoy the bike ride instead of freezing and just wanting to get there! And when you actually enjoy the ride itself, it goes by quicker, seems to take less time. So yes, I am thoroughly enjoying spring and the warmer weather! The motor bikes up and down main street are a bit annoying when you're trying to sit and have a nice relaxed time at the coffee shop. lol.

I got my business card to the printer today, so sometime in the next week I will have business cards! I'm pretty pumped about it. They are nice too. Classy, professional and unique. Definitely something I can be proud of! Will be nice to be able to hand over a business card when people ask, instead of saying, "No, I don't have them done up yet." I am planning to get shirts done too, with my logo and everything. Then when I go to networking events and such I will be a walking advertisement! How sweet is that? (Yes, I know, it's pretty damn sweet...)

Still working on my "bikini body", as I like to call it, and enjoying the results! I enjoy working out, pushing myself and seeing what I can do, and then feeling my muscles get tighter, harder and a bit bigger. And I feel pretty good about having stuck with it this long.

Well, that's all for now. Fare well, dear readers!

happy springtime!

2008-04-06T09:48:00.002-04:00

Well folks, it looks like Old Man Winter has indeed left us for another season. I thought he would never go! Seriously, it was the longest winter that I remember. It felt like it was never going to get warm again! But finally, the chill is leaving the air. Yesterday was sunny and felt very springy. Today looks as though it is going to be the same. Yes, I am happy. Perhaps I can now get thawed out... I realized yesterday though, when I put on a short skirt for the first time since last fall, that I should be hitting the gym harder, as I want to have a nice shapely body for the tops and skirts and bikinis that come with summer. I wouldn't mind to get a nice tan this year too. And thank goodness I am setting my own schedule now - perhaps I will actually be able to take advantage of summer this year! Last year I was stuck in the call centre job and it was very difficult to do much of anything because of my schedule and whatnot. Hopefully this year I can be more flexible and able to get out and enjoy it more!

Business is going well. There is sure a lot to do to start up! I have completed one week of classes, and am really enjoying it and learning a lot! The others in the program are pretty cool too. It's neat to hear about everyone's businesses and get to know them a bit. My biggest challenge so far is trying to get insurance. I'm required to have it for the program I'm in, and I've been calling around and trying to get a quote and everyone says they cannot offer any kind of policy to someone living in a rooming house situation - which is basically what I'm in. So, it looks like I'm going to have to pretend to be living in an apartment to get any kind of damn insurance! Talk about frusterating! So I guess tomorrow I'll do some more calling around and see what I can find for that. I did finally manage to get an appointment set up to open a business bank account. I was going to go with Scotia bank, because that's who I've been dealing with for my personal banking, but I called them to set up an appointment, was told that the small business manager would call me back to set up an appointment, and I never heard from the guy. So, I took my business somewhere else! I'll go where I'm going to get good service, thank you very much! Called BMO to ask about setting up an account, had to leave a voice message, but they called me back right away and were to friendly and helpful! It was like a difference between night and day! So guess who gets my business? I may even switch my personal banking over to them.

The other pieces I have to get together this week are my standard forms - receipt, invoice, contracts, etc - and a mission statement. Fun stuff! I do like seeing my business name on things. It looks pretty neat... Thursday I have an appointment with the graphic designer to get a logo and business cards drawn up. Very exciting!

So things are coming together, and the next few months should be very interesting. With the self employment benefits I will be getting I'll be able to have a car probably by the end of April or shortly thereafter, and planning to be in my own apartment a couple months after that. Finally, I'll be out of the crowded little room I'm living in and have my own wheels again! That will be delightful! It feels like the pieces are all falling into place for me finally. And it feels damn good!

For those of you interested, watch for a new issue of ADVANTAGE Tips for Small Business Owners which will be sent out soon... If you are not subscribed, visit my website or drop me an email to subscribe...

funnies

2008-04-06T09:43:00.001-04:00

Just a couple of funny things...

self employment, here i come!!!

2008-03-27T14:26:00.002-04:00

I got the phone call this afternoon: my business plan was accepted into the Self Employment Assistance Program. The only condition is that by the end of the first three months I must meet or exceed my projections put forth in the business plan - which I should be doing anyway! The benefits of the program include a month of morning classes where we will be taught accounting, marketing, legal matters and other vital business knowledge, weekly benefits paid to us so we can devote our time to our businesses and still pay the bills (as it will be slow at first), a graphic designer who will help us design logos, stationary and other such materials, one-on-one coaching with professionals, such as the ones teaching the classes, who are also in business themselves and can show us the ropes. Basically, I am being handed everything I could possibly need to succeed in business - all I have to bring is the motivation and willingness to put it all into action!

It has been my dream to work for myself for years - and to see it coming true is incredibly exciting! I have a chance to make my dreams a reality and prove that my business idea is viable and sustainable and I can succeed at it. Talk about a great challenge! I am definitely embarking on another adventure. I have been doing dabbling in this web design thing for a while, but I'm entering a whole new arena now. I am leaving the field of the employed and "jobbed" and venturing into the realm of the self employed and creating a job that I enjoy! Yes, folks, I will be my own boss, set my own hours, and be able to work from pretty much wherever in the world I want!

Advantage Website Solutions is the name I've chosen, and I now get to re-do my website and launch the first issue of Advantage Tips for Small Business Owners, the newsletter that I actually started under Spideys Web Design but now gets to undergo the same overhaul as the rest of Spideys. I did enjoy that name, but realize it is time for not only a new name, but a new way of doing things and looking at things - as I am now going full time and making this more than just a part time hobby. So goodbye Spideys, and hello Advantage!!! The future looks bright - did you bring your sunglasses?

email forward mania

2008-03-26T09:44:00.003-04:00

One of my pet peeves is email forwards. It drives me crazy that people will just forward on any and everything without even checking to see if it's legitimate or not. I don't mind the funnies as much - there are some pretty cute and hilarious forwards that give me a laugh or a smile. Those are alright. It's the other ones...

For example, here is one I got this morning. You've likely seen it, or a version of it. It's about a 3-year-old boy who was brutally murdered by two 10-year-olds in the UK and it's a petition against a ruling a judge made to give those two boys anonymity after they had served out their terms. I've seen this email before. You're supposed to put your name on it and send it on, and the 700th person is supposed to send it to this email address to get to the judge supposedly. Well, this morning I decided instead of just deleting it - which I usually do with forwards - why don't I check into it and see if I can find out more about this email forward? So I went to snopes.com and found it through a search. Sure enough, it's a true story, it actually happened. But guess what? The boys were released and granted anonymity in 2001 - there is NOTHING an email petition is going to do for that now! Not only that, but I wouldn't be so quick to say they shouldn't have anonymity either. Sure, their crime was heinous, but they were 10 years old, have served a sentence, and perhaps should be given another chance. I am sure there are those in authority who know who and where they are, in case they get into trouble again - why do we need to know? Would we feel any safer? Not likely. It would just put the lives of those boys in danger, as there would be plenty of people who would be only too glad to give them their "just desserts" - which would make us no better than them!

This is only the most recent example. There are others. What about the forwards that say hotmail will close your account if you do not forward this to 10 people immediately? I've never forwarded one of those on - and my hotmail account is still running strong! Then there are the ones that claim you'll get paid for forwarding an email, because some company is doing a test and is tracking who it goes to and so on. What makes me shake my head is that people just forward this stuff on without even questioning it.

This plague has infected places like myspace and facebook as well. I don't have a "funwall" or "superwall" on my facebook profile anymore. People forward everything. And sure, some of it's cute and funny, but even the cute and funny stuff takes up space, and that's all you ever get from people! I would rather have a personal note from you, thank you very much. Don't send me meaningless forwards. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, don't send me forwards at all unless you're keeping in touch with me personally as well. I don't need "forward friends".

Religion is not innocent either. Have you gotten the forwards trying to shame you into passing it on? They say something like, "If you love Jesus, pass this on! If you don't then you are ashamed of the one who gave His life for you." And good Christians everywhere hit the forward button! I'm not here to bash religion, but there is something wrong with this picture!

In the same category are those forwards you get about friendship - "Send this to 10 people who have been a friend to you, I hope to get it back!" And again, we hit the forward button and send it a whole bunch of people that we never talk to aside from impersonal email forwards or the occasional chat online.

We spend the majority of our lives wrapped up in insignificant details and entertainment. Take facebook again. How many times have I heard people say they are addicted to it and spend too much time on it? I have a facebook profile. I don't have a problem with facebook itself, but look at how it's used. Every time I log in, I have more than one invitation, request or some other notification that one of my friends wants me to add a new application. And what are these applications and games? Mindless, pointless, entertaining frivilities. Buy and sell your friends, pick a fight with a friend, be a virtual pirate or knight and fight battles and build armies, send hearts and hotness and hugs and flowers and chocolates. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing this or picking on those who use these applications - I have used them myself! But I would like to ask you a question: Why aren't you going and doing those things yourself? I'm asking myself this too. Why am I not going and doing things? Why am I living so much of my life in a virtual reality? There are applications where you can choose to dance with someone - but all it does is send them a notice saying so-and-so danced with you. Why am I not actually going out and dancing? And what happened to real chocolates, flowers, hugs? I would rather have one real hug than 1,000 virtual hugs. I would rather have one wilted real flower than a huge boquet of beautiful virtual flowers! We are rapidly losing our real connections with people! At what point did we start going virtual instead of picking up the phone to say hello, or mailing a handwritten card or note? Are we so short on time that we cannot spend a few minutes for something real? Hell, even a personal email or wall post would be a good start!

Have we lost our minds?

I would have to say the answer is probably yes! In general, people in north american society no longer know how to think for themselves! We have lost that ability. Our minds have been numbed by entertainment, media, mis-information, and, dare I say it, even religion. We are so quick to take things at face value and look no deeper! We believe what we see on the television, hear on the radio, read in the newspaper and base our entire world view on that - never thinking that perhaps we are being fed that information and are missing something more. We spend all this time wrapped up a virtual reality that doesn't exist outside of the internet and isn't really tangible in any way, and we miss out on the real life adventure and relationships that we could be having.

Our lives have become watered down. We are bombarded with information and entertainment that is really insignificant and of no real value. We spend our time playing virtual games with our many "friends", with no real relationships and connecting. Frankly, it is all meaningless!

What happened to real relationships, where you connect with someone on a deeper level than whether you both liked the newest hot movie? Where did the real life adventures go, where you see and experience the real world around you? Technology is wonderful. The internet is a great tool. We should be utilizing it, but not depending on it, and not living in it.

I don't know about you, but I want my life to be real and meaningful. I want to see the world, have adventures, connect with people on a real and deep level. I want to retain the true meaning and value of flowers, chocolates and hugs. I want to develop real life friendships and experiences. I want the important things in my life to be physical and tangible. I want to be able to think for myself, not just believe everything told to me. I don't want to be part of a human race that is no longer truly human.

Will you join me in stepping away from the email forward mania?

puppy cuteness

2008-03-25T16:58:00.002-04:00

My family is an excellent source for cuties. Here's some very sweet puppies I thought you might enjoy... Check out the little guy with the bad hair day! ;-)

Feel free to visit their website - if you haven't already - to see more puppy cuteness! http://www.minikennels.com

sick adventures

2008-03-25T09:39:00.002-04:00

I've been sick. Like really sick. Not just an annoying cold or something, but an actual fever and feeling achy all over. I don't get sick like this very often - I think the last time was about a year and a half ago, and the time before that I couldn't even tell you. It's the same thing though - tonsilitis. I've had the occasional problem with my tonsils since I was a kid. It's now got me wondering if I should look into having them removed. Feeling like crap for two days isn't fun - and that's just the fever. The actual tonsil pain doesn't start until the second or third day. The last couple days my throat felt a bit swollen, and a wee bit sore, but it was this morning that it started to actually hurt. Damn. I hate being sick! At least the fever finally broke, and I can actually get up and do things now, and have a bit of an appetite again. Still waking up every hour or so during the night in a cold sweat though. Hate that part. You ever notice that when you're sick and need to rest and sleep the most, that's when you sleep the worst? That's sure how it is for me. I can never get comfortable when I'm sick, and wake up sweating or hurting or something. No such thing as a good night's sleep when I'm sick!

And that's the bitching for now. lol. Now on to the good news. For those of you who were reading my blog last year, you may remember how I was commenting on how often I had a cold and how I thought it might be that house I was living in at the time. Well, I've noticed since moving out of there that I definitely haven't been sick as often! I've had a major cold maybe twice since then - and that was almost a year ago! So I am pretty happy about that. Colds are not fun - especially for me, as I get severe watery eyes and look like shit - don't want to be going out anywhere when I have a cold! So nice to see them happening less. I do get a lot of exercise and "fresh" air - as fresh as Windsor can offer - and I've been trying to eat better as well, so I'm sure those things help.

In other news, I submitted my Business Plan yesterday. I had to present it to the Program Manager, and she in turn will present it to the review committee on Thursday. The only thing that she said they might have a problem with is that my financials were too conservative - not enough sales in the first two years. That was the hard part for me, as I didn't want to over estimate and over step myself, but didn't want to be too "cheap" either - I guess I erred on the side of too cheap. But we'll see. The review committee may accept it anyway with the condition that I re-evaluate my financials or something like that. I'll know on Thursday.

Jon left for Cuba on Sunday. Lucky guy is probably sitting in the sun on the beach right now. I'm glad he was able to get away - he's been needing it for a while - but I do wish I could have gone with him too. A nice sunny beach would be delightful right now! However, I am staying at his place to look after things while he's gone, so I have access to the hot tub whenever I want, and a house to myself! Kind of nice, but lonely at times too - and it's only been a couple of days! This will be the first time since we started seeing each other that we went a whole week without some kind of communication - no phone calls, no text messages, no emails. Boy will I be glad to see him when he gets back! And he'll be glad to see me too, which is another bonus. He's been so sweet lately, really taking care of me and showing me that he cares about me - even telling me sometimes! When he was getting ready to leave he was saying that he'd miss me and wished he could take me with him. Not often he says stuff like that, so I sure appreciate it when he does! He seems to be doing much better - I think we are past the rough spot... I am really pumped about the trip out to BC this summer, and very excited that he wants to come with me. This guy has become pretty important in my life, and I can't wait for him to meet my family and they him! :-D

Well, that's all for now. I'm feeling better this morning so think I can actually get some website work done. Mom has been sending me updates for over a week now and I haven't been able to get to them yet. Definitely time to get on that! Caio!

name ideas wanted!

2008-03-20T14:06:00.002-04:00

I am brainstorming a new name for my business. For purposes of the program I am applying for, I need to choose a new name. So bring on your ideas! Email me at tehjess@hotmail.com, or leave me a comment on here! Any ideas are welcome.

Here's a couple ideas already brought forward that I kind of like, just to give you an idea and get you thinking. ;-) Itsy Bitsy Web Solutions or Dream Web Productions. My business is website design, particularly targeting small businesses - for those of you who don't know - so something to indicates that in some way is good, something unique and creative... :-)

life, the universe and everything!

2008-03-20T10:35:00.002-04:00

Life is busy right now. I am putting together my business plan to submit on Monday to try and get into the Self Employment Assistance program. I didn't realize exactly how much work goes into putting a business plan together! Whew! Not only do you write the actual business plan, but there are supporting documents, a resume, a portfolio - all of which must be prepared, printed and attached! But I'm not one to shy away from such a challenge, and I am actually enjoying putting it all together and seeing my business come together on paper! It's good to put it all into words and to actually define what it is I want to do with my business. I have to include financial statements, and it's interesting to sit down and work out the numbers, and see where I could be in a couple of years - yes, I have to do financials for the first two years! Best educated guess is what they call it. Sales predictions, cash flow statements, etc. Very educational!! I am learning a lot and enjoying seeing how my business can actually be successful!

My love life has also been busier and going well. After the official "break up", we have still been spending time together, and he has been more sweet and romantic than I've seen him in a long time. It's a bit like when we first started dating - except that it's someone I know now. So while we may have offically broken up, it's definitely not over. I'm not sure that my friends are as excited about this as I am. They are probably concerned that I'm just staying in a situation where I'll get hurt again. And I guess if I was in their shoes I would feel the same. But I do know that he's the one I want, that I'm not ready to walk away and I still want him in my life as my significant someone! Perhaps it had to take that "break up" to get things back on track, to get rid of the expectations and give him the space and freedom he needed to not only figure things out in his own personal life, but to figure things out in regards to his relationship with me. I don't know. I'm not going to put a label on what we are now, either. I have been enjoying the quality romantic time together though. He had me over for dinner the other night - complete with wine, the hottub, and a massage, not to mention some hot making out! It was sexy, romantic and made me feel pampered and cared for. He said he realized he's been taking me for granted and he wanted to change that. Yes, I melted, my heart was running all over the floor. It's things like that that make the hard times worth it! I am glad to see him doing better - I was a bit worried about him for a while there, but he seems to be getting things figured out. And for all you readers back home in BC, we are planning a trip out there this summer, so you'll get to meet this guy you've heard so much about!

After two days of rain, I was very glad to wake up and see the sun shining in my window this morning! I was getting tired of the dreary, overcast weather, and am very much looking forward to getting out there and enjoying spring this afternoon! Perhaps winter is really finally over and spring can now bring in summer...??? It feels like forever since I enjoyed a hot sunny day...

miss me?

2008-03-12T12:55:00.002-04:00

Well, it's been a little bit since I actually wrote a blog here. Hope you enjoyed the "funnies" though...

I have a busy week happening here. I am taking classes this week - Business Plan Preperation classes - and around that starting to put together my business plan, as well as the usual gym and a few shifts at work. Phew! I have now borrowed a bike, so some things take up less time and I found today that I was able to fit the gym in before class, instead of waiting until the afternoon, or missing because of a lack of time between class and work. So, I am learning to juggle things to get everything to fit in, with some time left for working on my business plan - and a quick blog. Thankfully, I will be cutting back majorly on work shifts here soon. Once I know for sure if I am in this Self Employment Assistance program or not - and I almost for sure will be - then I will go ahead and pretty much quit at the cafe, as I don't want to have to be wasting time on the bus trying to get to a job that I really don't need anymore AND try to run a business full time. Whew. It's already bad enough this week, and I'm only taking morning classes!

I am loving seeing spring on it's way. Snow and ice are melting, it feels more mild out. There is hope that winter is on it's way out! I will not miss it. This one has felt incredibly long and cold. I am more than ready for spring and summer!

Well, that's kinda the major news and what's going on with me. Now I need to go do some work on my business plan before I have to head off to the Caffe. Caio!

dog on safari

2008-03-06T13:28:00.001-05:00

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard, "that was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

the pot at the end of the rainbow

2008-03-06T13:24:00.001-05:00

how good can it get?

2008-03-05T23:33:00.002-05:00

Remember a few weeks ago when I took a walk and asked myself, "How good can it get?"? (For those of you who missed that entry, you'll find it under tea adventures of teh jess on February 18.) Well, this afternoon I had a life-changing experience and as I was reflecting on it all while in the shower tonight I realized, hey, I'm beginning to find out just how good it can get!

And to think this was brought on by a break-up! Have you heard anything more bizarre? I am completely floored by it, let me tell you. All of my previous break-ups have been at least awkward, if not extremely painful for one or both parties. Today, I experienced a very mature, mutual break-up. It hurt more before the fact than during or after. Neither of us wanted it to end, but we both knew it was the right choice. He isn't able to give me what I want and need right now, and I can't go on like it's been, hurting and being disappointed. There has to come a point where I decide I have to take care of me and let him take care of him. One of the things that made it easier and less painful was the fact that I did get what I needed, exactly what I needed. I felt wanted and cared for, and that then gave me the confidence to go ahead and walk away. Not that it was easy - it still hurt, but not at as bad. It felt more like a weight had been lifted off - I think for both of us.

So I am single again, and I'm okay with that. I am now going to focus on me and taking care of me. It's time to get myself well and healthy, and grow a healthy business as well. I feel so positive and hopeful, and ready to take on the world! This isn't the end of something, it's the beginning of something new! A new chapter, a new era. And I'm ready for it. I'm ready to learn and grow some more. I'm ready to continue on in this journey, and to see just how good it can get!!!!

heartbreak hotel

2008-03-04T11:41:00.003-05:00

It's not the first time this has happened. In fact, if I look back on all of my relationships - not that I've had that many - there are only two that I would call really serious, and only those two men that I actually was in love with. And both relationships went the same direction, resulting in much heartbreak and pain - on my part. Dave was the first one. I went all the way down to South Carolina to see if it would work. It was worth finding out, but it hurt like hell! The thing that kills me the most is that it's not that we were incompatible, or didn't get along, or anything like that really. As far as I was concerned it could have worked. But he couldn't let go of the past, couldn't move on and stop feeling guilty about some things. So I left, ended it, moved on - and he went back to the past, married his ex and quickly regretted it. It hurt. It really hurt. While I was there, I kept hoping that he would get things figured out, realize that he needed to let go, realize that he had a good thing right there in front of him - but no.

And now I'm in a similar situation. Not exactly the same - it never is - but I see too many parallels. This relationship has been longer - 10 or so months - but it started to end the same way. Less and less physical affection, me feeling more and more like I wasn't wanted that way anymore, him saying he had stuff to deal with and try to figure out, me trying to be patient and wait it out, let him deal with his stuff, give him his space, but getting hurt over and over again and feeling the hope fade to disappointment and heart break. They say that hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. Well, my heart is feeling pretty sick right now. And I can't keep doing it. I'm not asking for too much. All I want is what should be part of any healthy relationship - to be wanted, kissed, made love to. That's all I'm asking for. I'm not asking to be given the world. I just want to be wanted and touched. And for some reason, I seem to fall in love with guys who are great at doing that for the first while, and then end up unable to give me that most basic physical element. And a relationship without that physical connection is only a half-ass relationship.

So it's come down to this. Here I am, hanging on to the very last frayed ends of the rope, tired of hurting, tired of riding the roller coaster of hope and disappointment - and I can't do it anymore. I realized this morning that I really only have two simple choices: I end it and walk away, or I stay on the roller coaster and keep re-opening the painful wound over and over. There is no other option at this point. Sure, I can say, oh he might change, he might get things figured out and be there for me again - but I've been saying that for a while already, and there is no guarantee that anything is going to change anytime soon. There's a time for hope and patience, but there's got to come a time when you say enough is enough and realize that it's time to stop putting yourself through it. I'm not asking for too much. I'm asking for something that any number of other men would jump at the chance to give me - and the one I love is unable to. Why am I going through this again? Do I somehow attract and fall in love with men who are likely to do this?

How in the world do I go ahead and made that decision to end it, to walk away, when it hurts so bad I can hardly breathe? I don't want to walk away! I want him in my life! This guy is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have learned so much from him, grown so much, loved so much, and now hurt so much. He's pretty much exactly what I look for in a man when he's not dealing with shit like he is now. But I can't wait around and keep letting myself get hurt. As much as I love him, as much as I want to be with him, he is just not able to give me what I need right now - and I have to walk away. But it's easier said than done. When someone becomes that much a part of your life, has that big of a place in your heart... To walk away is to leave pieces of myself behind, and creates a gaping wound that will take a lot of time to heal.

snowman sweeties

2008-03-03T17:19:00.003-05:00

Well, here's a picture. Figured it was time to show you all one of these pictures they keep sending me. Aren't they cuties? I love the emails I get from them. Kids write the darndest things, don't they?

I am back home from Toronto. Feels good to be back in my own room and not living out of a duffle bag anymore. That's the one thing I hate about traveling. I miss having my own space, with my clothes and everything in their own place. After being away for a few days everything starts to feel disorganized and dirty. Perhaps I am a bit too particular about those kinds of things...

The rest of my trip was good. Spent yesterday just relaxing mainly. Took a stroll down by the lake, went with Nate to fly his cool remote control plane, and went out for a bit to an Irish Pub last night. Then was up early this morning for the train ride home - which I slept through most of. It felt good to get away, but it feels good to be home again. I stepped off the train and it felt almost tropical. The temperature was so much more mild here than the whole weekend in Toronto. lol. But I hear Toronto is warmer today too. Maybe it just didn't like me... Ahahaha.

kid kuteness

2008-03-01T23:21:00.001-05:00

I love my little brother and sister - well, I love ALL of them - but the two littlest ones are just too cute. I got a couple of emails from them tonight and thought I would share, since I know someone else will enjoy them too!

From Destiny:

Dear Jesse,
These are a few pictures of my gerbils. I have two...one is a boy and one is a girl. Pretty soon they are going to have babies. Whitney also has mice and we each have a cat. My gerbil's names are Julus and Julia the second. Whitney's cat's name is Wanderer. My cat's name is Missy. Whitney's is black and mine is grey. I really like my pets and I have Luna as a pet as well. In the picture of Luna, she is under the desk with her toy. I can't think of anything else, so I'll just stop here. I love you, Destiny.

From Whitney:

Hello Jesse,
I am having a fun time with my toys. I hope you are having fun too. Did you like the shark story? I'll tell you more later. I wonder what your house looks like.... I have tons and tons of fun with my pancakes on Sunday. How much fun do you have? These are some pictures of my toys. Most of them are robots. You can see that one of them is a plane. You can see also that the robot is getting into the plane. One mom thought had dragon heads on it. I have tons and tons and tons and tons of fun in spring. I think I like spring better than winter. Don't you? (Oh, right, you don't have winter at your place!) Whitney

Can anyone ask for a better lil bro and sis? I love them. They are the bestest!

toronto adventures

2008-03-01T19:28:00.002-05:00

Well and so, my Toronto adventure has been interesting so far. I've spent a lot of time wandering around in the cold, waiting for and riding the public transportation, with a little bit of shopping thrown in.

I got on the train in Windsor just before 6pm Thursday night. I enjoyed the train ride - it was my first time on a train. It's a much smoother ride than the bus - and faster as well. They had electrical plugins, so I was able to plug in my laptop and play some Freecell and write and whatnot. That made it more interesting. I arrived in Toronto at about 10pm. Nate met me at the train station and we then took the subway and street car back to his apartment, where he was letting me crash on the couch for the weekend. So that was pretty much that. I got a taste of the big city public transport, enough that I was then able to find my own way the next day.

The next morning I was awake at about 7:30, but just kind of took it easy, did the email thing and whatnot and hung out at Nate's until about 10am or so, then I headed out to wander the city and see what I could discover. I got the streetcar and headed downtown - about a 15 minute ride or so. Once downtown I got off and started to wander - went down underground along "Path", which is 27 miles of underground walkway, shops, connections to the subway and other buildings. Pretty intresting. I walked along that a bit, then decided to go check out the Eaton Centre, which is supposed to be this huge underground mall. It was pretty neat. I managed to find my way on the subway to get there, walked in and almost immediately found "my store". It's called Lush. I had never seen a Lush store before, but I loved it!!! It's all handmade cosmetics - made with natural herbs, essential oils, that kind of thing. From bubble bath to soup to face care products - I was in my own little heaven! I love that natural skin care kind of stuff and am always on the look out for something good for my skin and body. I really like the whole idea of using natural stuff on your skin instead of man-made chemical processed stuff. It's got to be better for you, right?

So I spent a bit of money at "my store", then did some more wondering, found a Mega Wraps in a food court for lunch, then headed over to the Bata Shoe Museum. Yes, a whole museum devoted to shoes! It was pretty interesting. I'm not a huge shoe freak or anything, but when I heard about it I decided to go check it out just because it was something unique and out of the ordinary. It had the whole history of the shoe, and the different styles and whatnot in different cultures, right from the shoes worn by "cavemen", made from bear hide and "weeds" to the blue pumps worn by Princess Dianna, to the huge shoe worn by Shaquille O'Neile - a size 20ee that was at least as long as two of mine! There were examples of the itty bitty shoes worn by chinese women who bound their feet - at small as two or three inches long, and some pretty cool looking sandles from other cultures like Egyptian and African. They had a whole exhibit on shoes in the Roccocan era, like the 1700s and stuff, about how the shoe styles changed with the different rulers and influences and how it corresponded to the changing of the views of the roles of men and women in society and whatnot. Then there was another exhibit all about shoes in the native culture - the beadwork on the moccasins was incredible! Overall, it was a pretty cool place to wander through.

So by the time I was done wandering there I'd had enough of being on my feet for the day and headed back to Nate's to relax for the evening. We had dinner, watched a movie, had some nice red wine, and then it was time for bed. Today was a bit more relaxed. We went to Walmart, then took the streetcar and subway and bus over to the Ontario Science Centre. That was pretty neat to wander through there and play with some of the exhibits. Felt a bit like a little kid again. I liked the Space exhibit - and the meteorite rocks. Pretty cool to think of that stuff being from out in space. Do you ever stop and really think about what it's like out there, or what it would like to be able to travel to other planets and stuff? I do. Especially when I read that kind of science fiction. It facinates me, and makes me feel small.

Well, that's all I have the concentration for tonight. More later... I'm going to watch Family Guy now...

the bitchy corner

2008-02-28T15:37:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel like you just need to bitch to someone? I try to be positive and think positive and all that good stuff, but sometimes I just need to bitch and get it all off my chest! So this is going to be a bit of a bitching post, okay? Don't let it get you down or anything - let it go in one ear and out the other, or don't read it at all. This is therapy for me.

I had quite the night at work Tuesday. I worked with one of the girls that I don't usually work with, and have actually never worked with just her. It was bad. I came away from the shift asking, "How the hell has she not been fired yet?" She is that bad! She did all of the cleaning and everything way too early - putting the soup away and cleaning up the kitchen 2 hours before it was supposed to be done - which then means if we get food orders, it has to be re-done. Not very smart. And all night it was like that. I did hardly any cleaning, because by the time it was time to do it, she had already done it too early. She dumped the coffee, put away the pastries, half cleaned the bathrooms - all too early. I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't want to be a bitch to her or tell her not to do stuff early. It's not like I'm her supervisor or anything. I didn't want to be a "tattle tale", but what was I supposed to do? So I told one of the managers about it - and she was pretty upset, though glad I told her, because she'd been hearing about other problems with this same girl. Finally at the end of the night, she turned off the open signs 10 minutes early - which is a huge no-no. I finally said something to her, made a comment about how it was only 10-to, and she didn't have a response to that. It was rather frusterating for me, because I didn't want to do a big confrontation and talk to her about it, especially with customers in the shop, but it didn't feel right to just let her do everything like that either. Talk about a tough situation to be in! So the end result, was that I told the manager all about it, and she is going to see what she can do about it. She wants to try to "catch her in the act" so that she doesn't put the ones of us who have talked to her in an awkward position, which is nice, but honestly, if I owned the place, that girl would've been gone a while ago! She certainly made me appreciate working with someone else the next night!

And then there's the whole bus scene. I'm getting soo fed up with it! I waste at least an hour every day that I work waiting for and riding the bus, when if I just had a car I could get there quicker and not have to wait around after work. It doesn't help that it's winter and is cold either. I get done work between 9 and 9:30, but don't get home until 10:30, even though it's only a 15 minute car ride. Frusterating. Very frusterating. Add to that the nausea. I get carsick on the bus and it's rather miserable. I was doing alright for a couple weeks there, was able to read on the bus and everything, but now it's back to being horrible. I try to read and it just makes it worse. I get off the bus feeling like I'm about to hurl. Again, frusterating! It is one of my least favorite feelings in the world! I would rather be actually sick or have a cold than be nauseous! It's just such a yucky feeling. So thank goodness I won't be at this job too much longer! It looks like I'll be on the Self Employment Assistance Program by the end of March - which means I will be working full time on my business and quitting the cafe job. And no more nasty long bus waits or rides! Not only that, but summer is coming and I'll be able to bike and walk places more - and hopefully have a car fairly quickly as well.

Okay, now that I've done my bitching, it's time for some positive thoughts. I am feeling better about my living situation. I have gotten my room more organized and cleaned up, and everything looks and feels neater and less chaotic. I am still sleeping on the floor, but I have a little stack of bedding that I sleep on and can roll up and put up out of the way during the day, so it is liveable - at least for now. Once I get into the SEA program I should be able to start looking for my own apartment again - which will be wonderful! It's nice to save money on rent and all, but I miss having my own space, my own kitchen and bathroom, cleaning up after just myself - all that good stuff! And I would LOVE to have some space for an office/artsy corner, where I can have a desk and a table and counter space for sewing and stuff. I'm going to get a sewing machine here sometime and start doing more of that kind of stuff. I love doing things with my hands and making cool things that I can use or wear. I just don't have the room to do much of that kind of stuff right now.

So overall, things are actually going pretty well. I'm off to Toronto for the weekend, so expect a blog or two or three about that. Will be wonderful to see some new sights and experience a new city. I'm looking forward to going on an adventure by myself again. Been a while since I went on a trip alone. Will be nice to do some wandering and exploring, just me. And of course, I'll be hanging out with Nate as well, so I won't be alone the whole time.

after-church rituals, memoirs of an extinct childhood

2008-02-25T22:52:00.000-05:00

The one thing I liked about church when I was little - and even when I was "older" - was the social aspect. I will admit I often found the sermons boring and long, but I loved seeing my friends and playing with the kids after church while our parents chatted. Sabbath school was alright, although even that tended to be a bit dry and repetitious, but it was the after church social time that I lived for! As soon as church was out, we'd be out on the playground, or up on "the rocks". The church and church school were on the same grounds, so there were a swing, slide, merry-go-round and jungle gym in the field next to the church. Up on a hill on the same property was what we called "the rocks". It was a big rock, with hazelnut bushes beside it, wild strawberries on the hill leading up to it, and ant hills everywhere. When the weather was nice, we'd be up there, eating strawberries, picking hazelnuts, bugging the ants, playing king of the hill or some other such kids games. It didn't matter if we were wearing our "sabbath best". I'm sure our mothers felt just a bit nervous about that, but we didn't care.

If we weren't at "the rocks" we were running around the church and school, or playing on the playground. We'd play hide and seek and tag or some combination of the above. We'd be out behind the church, up on the back steps, or out on the swing set. We'd find the first ripe wild strawberries of the season, or the first dandelion. Saskatoons were another favorite that were plentiful during the summer.

Sometimes we'd venture over onto the Shoops' or Blabeys' places - they were members of the church - looking for strawberries, or just a bit of a different setting. We were amused by the simplest things and games. We were content running around out in the field or among the trees, and always disappointed when our parents called us to go home.

Another part of the after-church ritual was trying to get our parents to invite someone over for lunch - or hoping to get invited somewhere else! We'd go to the Boyds' or the Andrews' or the Densmores'. The most common was going to my aunt and uncles, or they'd come to our place, or we'd all go to my grandparents place. My cousins were like brothers, because we saw them so much. Or sometimes we'd all go to the Andrews' and us three families would all hang out. All of us kids had a great time, and the Andrews had a pretty nice place for kids to play on. So we kids would be trying to arrange all this or get in on it after church, in our own little kid ways. And there was always the rides to arrange. If we were going to someone's house, we wanted to trade around so everyone could ride together. Most of us lived at least a little ways out of town, so it was a fair amount of time that we'd get to spend together. We'd trade a couple of the older kids for a couple of the younger kids, or girls for boys, or some such thing, however we decided to do it that day.

As we got older, there wasn't a lot that changed. We didn't go out on the playground, or up to "the rocks", as much, but there was still the political-social aspect. I liked church because of my friends. We'd sit together and write notes back and forth during the sermon, and there was still the "arranging", trying to get someone to come over or get invited somewhere else. We were good at "arranging" and "hinting". When I was a teenager, the favorite was to get our girl friends to come over and go horseback riding after lunch - although I sometimes felt like I was being used because we had horses. But maybe that was just teenage insecurities.

I got an email from Mom the other day, sending me a message and pictures from Whitney, my littlest brother who is almost 7. Part of the email was about these deer antlers that he found out behind the church one day. It made me sweetly nostalgic to realize that my younger syblings are now doing the same thing we did when we were kids - out exploring and playing after church. Maybe we never found deer antlers, but we definitely found our own treasures, and I was happy to realize that the younger ones are experiencing the same simple pleasures that I had when I was a kid. Hard to beat those after-church rituals!

polar bear music showcase

2008-02-24T20:28:00.003-05:00

Went out to a concert/showcase thing last night. One of the guys I work with was playing there, so I wanted to go hear him and thought it would be a nice night out. Jon came, and Heather and Rod as well. A bit of a double date, I guess. We went for dinner and drinks before at Chanosos downtown, then to the theatre for the show. There were a bunch of different artists who performed, some of them pretty good. I was really impressed with Adam, the guy I work with. He has a really unique, cool style and everyone seemed to like him. I had never heard his music before and was kinda surprised at how good he is.

Watching the different artists last night kind of made me wish I could be up there. As terrifying as that would be, it would be exhilerating as well, to be part of the music, singing or playing, part of a band. I wish I could write cool songs too...

So it was a fun night out. I had a good time and I think the others did too. Maybe not Rod so much... lol. Poor guy wasn't feeling too good. Was nice to dress up and go out, though. I love being able to do that every once in a while.

A bunch of the people I work with were at the show as well. Was fun to see them outside of work. I went over to say hi during intermission. I work with some pretty cool fun people.

And that's my story for tonight.

i dream of...

2008-02-22T22:36:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I got a couple books from the library on dreams and interpreting and understanding them. The books just kinda sat there, unread, for several weeks. I renewed them, but didn't want to bother going to the library to return them yet, and kept thinking maybe I would read them yet before taking them back. About a week ago I started actually getting into one and reading it - because I was out of good fiction to read. lol. And boy oh boy has it ever turned out to be good! The author stays away from giving images and symbols specific meanings, and instead shows you how to figure out what they mean specifically for you and your life. The whole process involves asking yourself what the dream was all about, describing each person or thing involved and the feelings associated with them, how you felt toward them in the dream. A key to doing this is to describe the elements of the dream as if you are talking to someone from another planet who has no idea what a car is, or any other object or element. The jist of it is, you start to see parallels between the dream and a situation in your waking life, or an aspect of your personality, or whatever the case may be. (The book is called In Your Dreams and is written by Gayle Delaney, for any of you interested in checking it out.)

This book is drastically changing the way I look at my dreams. I first got the book because I seem to have really bizarre, fucked up dreams. I wake up going, what the hell was that? So I decided it was time to see if I could get some insight into my dream life. And it's working, now that I've finally gotten into the book. I've started to analyze my dreams, the way she suggests, and I am seeing things that make me go, Okay, uhh, wow! I am getting more excited about my dreams than I ever have before, and am seeing how much they can teach me about myself and my life! Where before I was seeing my dreams as some kind of fucked up fantasy or something, now I am beginning to see symbolism, metaphors and far deeper truths that really speak to serious parts of my waking life. Most recently, I am seeing things in my dreams having to do with relationship issues I've been having, and I'm going holy crap, so that's what my dream is saying - it makes sense now!

So I highly recommend this book, if you're at all interested in finding out what your dreams are all about. I find it utterly facinating, as it is a glimpse into my subconscious mind.

Here's a bit of an amusing dream that I had a couple nights ago. I was at a Pita Pit with one of my cousins. I walked in and couldn't really see anything because it was so much darker in there than outside, so I had to let my eyes adjust before I could even read the menu to decide what I wanted. Once I could see, I decided to get a gyro pita - which is actually one of my favorites when going there. So I ordered a gyro and the guy started making it - except it wasn't a gyro. It was a hotdog, and it only cost a buck something, while I knew the gyro I wanted should be much more than that. So I said something, told the guy it wasn't what I wanted and asked if they had real gyros there. I thought he finally understood what I wanted, and another guy came up from the back to make my sandwich. I went and sat down with my cousin while he supposedly made my pita and when it was ready I went up to the counter to get it. Once again, it was not what I wanted! It was a sub sandwich of some sort. A huge monster, several feet long, with cheese and pepperoni or something - not at all what I had ordered or wanted! So I said something, and I said it forcefully. I was like, Hey, this is not what I ordered! Don't you guys have gyro pitas anymore? What's going on here? Isn't this supposed to be Pita Pit? Or something like that. I really went off and told them exactly what I thought and felt and how frusterated and unsatisfied I was.

Now the interesting thing is that in real life I don't do this. If I get something that's not quite what I ordered, I don't say anything, I just go with it. I might be disappointed, but rather than make a fuss, I go with it. But in my dream, I stood up for myself and what I wanted, I told them exactly what I thought of their service and their inability to give me what I ordered.

I found it facinating to analyze this and see how in my dream I was able to do something that in my waking life I need to learn to do. My subconscious mind was telling me that I need to stand up for myself and what I want - and not just go with the flow when someone messes up on my order. Not to be a bitch about it - in the dream, I wasn't being a bitch, I was calmly stating that this was not what I ordered and I wasn't satisfied - but to simply, calmly stand up for myself more and not let myself get pushed under. This has implications in other parts of my life too, not just in ordering food. I see parallels in my relationships, in my job, in my every day life and it just blows me away to be able to pull this out of a dream that before I would have thought was some crazy fucked up fantasy.

mr cutie

2008-02-20T23:15:00.002-05:00

I call my littlest brother Mr Cutie, and as you can see from this and the other email I shared, he is definitely that! Got this one from Mom tonight and it totally cracked me up. I couldn't stop laughing at the line about him waking up the babies. lol. I'm not putting the pictures on here tonight. Might get to that tomorrow - at least the ones of Destiny, as they are pretty cute too.

"Here are some pictures that Whitney wants you to see. The first one is his male mouse and the second one is his female mouse...she just had babies, so he got moved to a different cage cause last time he [the male] ate the babies! We don't know how many babies she has yet...afraid to look in case of upsetting the mother. Last time Whitney would "wake" the babies up and so this time he is not looking for a week.

"Then the last two pictures are Destiny, "wearing" the deer antlers that Whitney found out behind the church on Sabbath. They are very fresh and there were deer tracks out there so you could see that the deer shed them right there! Pretty rare to have two shed in the same place. Whitney is pretty proud of them and has polished them up with neatsfoot oil so they are very shiney. Well, that's it for an update on Whit's life."

memoirs of an extinct childhood - sandbar afternoons

2008-02-20T15:11:00.002-05:00

Saturday was Sabbath in my family and many Sabbath afternoons were spent on the sandbar by the Mitten bridge. We'd come home from church, grab lunch, change clothes and head over to the bridge - which was only a 5 minute drive from our farm. There was a bit of a pullout along the gravel road that we'd park in - there would often end up being as many as three vehicles - and a trail leading down a steep bank, through a bit of brush and down another sandy bank to the sandbar. Throughout the brush were cranberry bushes and, if it was the right time of year, you could grab a handful of sour, red cranberries on your way down. We'd trek down the trail with our picnic lunch, blankets, swim clothes, lifejackets and whatever else we needed for the afternoon.

My cousins, the other Webbs, were usually there, along with the Andrews, or maybe the Densmores. Lunch would be eaten on the sand, with a fire going, maybe a blanket or something to sit on. If someone wasn't able to change at home, they would use a vehicle or the cover of a bush. It was a very simple, rustic and delightful way to spend an afternoon.

Lunch would be something made up the day before, or something easily thrown together. Potato or taco salad, haystacks, vegetarian roast, gluten burgers, sandwiches or vegetarian hotdogs roasted over a fire built on the beach, with cobbler, crisp or something yummy for desert. It would be eaten right there on the sand, with a blanket or rocks to sit on.

The bridge spanned the Kispiox River, and this particular sandbar was right where a small section of the river rejoined the main stream, after a slight detour around to create a bit of an island. It was a small creek, shallow enough to easily wade across, unless it was in spring flood. Further up the creek there was a bit of a pool that was deeper, and the bravest would attempt to swim there. The water was achingly cold, though, and no one could stand it for very long. So we would wade, maybe float down the creek a little bit, look for salmon or minnows and other interesting water creatures, or unusual looking rocks. There was also plenty of sand to build castles, rivers or whatever our imagination created!

We would often cross the creek, over to the "island", to walk along the rock strewn shore, looking for cool rocks, or a new place to play. We might all, adults included, attempt the crossing for a stroll on the other side.

Many hours were spent at this spot, enjoying a sunny summer afternoon. The food always tasted better when eaten outside - and our appetites were invariably voracious, since we'd have to wait longer for lunch. I can still picture it in my mind. I see the sandbar, the trail leading up through the bush to the road, the sand sloping down toward the creek and the river rapids further under the bridge. I see the pool in the creek, with dead logs, huge rocks, a gentle current carrying the water back to its river source. I can feel the cold of the water, feel the ache in my feet from wading in it for so long. I feel the sand under my toes - how long has it now been since I walked barefoot in sand? I can almost hear my mom and aunt in conversation, sitting on a blanket on the sand, and I can picture my dad and uncle standing looking at the rapids, perhaps talking about canoeing them. I see a baby or toddler, someone's younger sybling, playing on the beach, covered in sand from head to toe.

After an afternoon in the sun, sand and water, we would often make our way back to someone's house - ours, or my aunt and uncle's when they lived out there - for supper. Usually fruit salad and popcorn. I'm sure my mom could tell you better about the sand and mess carried into the house, and about how grimy we all were from playing in the sand and water. I remember being tired, exhausted, ready to go home - but always ready to come back again another time!

a conglomeration of randomness

2008-02-20T11:08:00.003-05:00

Goodmorning, dear faithful readers! ;-) And it is indeed a good morning. The sun is shining, the sky is clear - which means it's effin cold, but still beautiful and invigorating. I hit the gym this morning, after too many days off. The long weekend messed me up, and then I had to work yesterday morning, so it was like four or five days without. Felt good to get back to the grunting and sweating. lol.

It was nice to walk into the gym this morning and have the girl at the front desk say, "Go ahead, Jessica!" Yes, the morning staff knows who I am now - and I've only been going for a week. She's pretty good. Nice to not have to pull out my card every morning, though. And some of the bus drivers know me too. Apparently I ride the bus a lot. lol. It's nice to have a driver remember you and remember your stop. I guess it makes me feel like I matter enough to be recognized. And it's always nice to mattter.

So I went to see Jumper last night. Not a bad movie, actually. I rather enjoyed it - and my nachos. The only thing I would've changed would be to have thought of going sooner so I could've caught an earlier show. I went to the 9:25 one, which meant I didn't get home til 11:30 or so, which is a bit later than I like. But other than that, it was a good experience! My first movie with just me, and I didn't feel like a depressed loser. lol. Maybe because it was my choice to go by myself. I could've found someone to go with, but I wanted to go alone. That does make a difference. It was a bit lonely - I missed having someone to laugh with at the funny parts - but it was actually really good for me, and I think I'll have to do it more often...

A "long-lost" sorta-cousin found me on facebook the other day. I remember him from when I was little - like 15 years ago - but hadn't really heard much about him since then. Pretty cool that he found me, and I am enjoying exchanging emails and getting caught up. It's a bit sad that life tends to "disconnect" us from people we once knew and hung out with, but always enjoyable to get back in touch again. Frankly, I know I could extend the time and energy to keep in touch with absolutely everyone - every extended family member, family or childhood friend - but it's just not a priority for me. I can barely keep in touch with my immediate family and a handful of friends from back home, let alone everyone. But I'm okay with that. And that's that. Facebook is excellent for getting in touch with old friends/family, though. I've heard from more than one person that I hadn't heard from in years through facebook. I like how it keeps you up to date, without having to expend too much time or energy, as well. It's easy to drop a quick note on someone's "wall", and not have to write out a whole email or make a phone call. Am I lazy? No, I don't think so. I just don't have the time to spend on things that aren't a priority for me.

Speaking of priorities and spending time... Have you ever been at a point in your life where you changed direction - maybe reorganized your priorities, changed jobs, set some new goals - and felt like you were leaving your friends behind? Or maybe they just took a different branch at the last crossroad? I am feeling that a bit right now, and have definitely been there in the past as well. It's hard for me to know how to really handle it, because I'm not one to just ditch friends and stop hanging out with them, but at the same time, I know where I want my life to go, I know what I want to do and what I want to accomplish, and I am going to head in that direction, whether it's the same direction as my friends or not. But how do you balance that? I find my time being filled with new things, different things. Instead of going out every weekend, I'm spending more time working on my business, getting up early to go to the gym, and going to bed earlier. This really changes the way I interact with my friends - and I've found myself "ditching" them more than once in the last while. I'm not quite sure how to juggle it all. I know what I want with my life. I know I want to be getting up and going to bed earlier because I feel better when I do. I know I want to grow my own business and start traveling. I know I want to be doing more networking with other local business people. But I have some good friends that I want to be able to hang out with too - just not late at night (unless I'm having an emotional/mental crisis). I want to do more than go and hang out at bars. Maybe I need to do some brainstorming and come up with some ideas for things do that would be different... Any suggestions? I miss the days of doing things like playing soccer or red rover - or good old fashioned tag, going swimming at the lake, horseback riding, hiking, sledding, having a bonfire - that was what we did with friends growing up.

Okay, now I'm into the reminiscing stage... I know I have some readers from my family and home, who grew up with me, so this is for you. Remember the Sabbath afternoons down by the Mitten bridge? Playing in the sand and the achingly cold water? Remember the time our dad's canoed down the river and dumped - and we had to eventually go looking for them cause they didn't show up? Or how about those summers spent camping, going to the lake in the evening, picking strawberries, haying, gardening, building forts? I think it's time to start those memoirs...

teh jess needs a vacation

2008-02-19T20:09:00.002-05:00

I've been saying it for months, but have not done anything about it yet. I keep thinking I can't afford it - which may very well be true - or I keep waiting for Jon and I to go away somewhere together. Whatever my excuse, it's been over a year since I went anywhere really out of Windsor and it's time for that to change. So, I've booked it. I marked the days off on the calendar at work, checked into train tickets and am going to go and get my Via Rail ticket in the morning to go to Toronto for a weekend. A friend is going to hook me up with a place to stay for a couple days and probably show me around a bit too, plus I'm going to spend some time just wandering around and checking out things by myself. It's going to be a weekend for me to recharge and see and do something new.

I thought about taking the Greyhound, since it's cheaper, but when I actually checked prices it's not that big of a difference, and then I stopped and thought about it. I have never rode on a train. Since this is my weekend to do something new, I guess a train ride is an excellent place to start. Sounds good, right?

So it may not be the warm, sunny beach I was picturing, but it will be a vacation none-the-less. I'm pretty excited about it too. It's been a while since I went on an adventure all by myself. It definitely feels like it's time to stretch those wings of independent adventure again - even if only for a weekend.

Along with my upcoming vacation, I am also going to see a movie by myself tonight. I may find it depressing. I've never gone to see a movie by myself. But I think I will kind of enjoy it. Maybe. I'll let you know. I decided that I need to get out of the house more, instead of just sitting here all night alone and bored. So why not go see a movie, even if I don't have anyone to go with me at the moment? Can't hurt. Plus, it's cheap Tuesday at the theatre...

tea adventures of teh jess

2008-02-18T21:33:00.002-05:00

I decided to walk downtown tonight for some tea. Needed to get out of my tiny room and get some fresh air, so I bundled myself up, grabbed my book, and headed out. Stepped outside and it was such a beautiful night that I decided to take the scenic route - along the river. What a beautiful night! Clear sky, moon shining, the Detroit skyline all lit up. It was fabulous! Cold, but fabulous. I need to just go out walking like that more often. It's good for me. I do some thinking, clear my mind, and give myself pep-talks. Seriously, if it wasn't for my self pep-talks, I wouldn't be who and where I am today! It's those moments when I clear my mind and get serious and honest with myself that give me the courage and strength to go on and live life.

One thing I asked myself tonight was, "How good can it get?" Then I stopped and went, "Whoa, wait a minute... Yeah, how good can it get?" My immediate response to that question was, "Well, let's find out!" If I can live each day with that attitude - Let's see how good it can get! - imagine what life would be like? Going into each day looking for it to get good - how could it help but to be great? Life is what you make of it, right?

So I went and had my tea, but by the time I was walking back it was colder, snow was blowing, and the wind was right in my face - so the walk back wasn't quite as leisurely and enlightening - other than the fact that I discovered that Tim Horton's doesn't have my favorite cookies anymore. Yes, I was sad about that. Stopped in to get some for a treat and what do ya know? No more peanut butter chocolate chunk. And the Chocolate chip caramel ones are now different and cost more. So much for my cookie treat. I was disappointed! But I suppose my body will be greatful...

So that's my little venture for the night. I came back home feeling refreshed, confident, and ready for a hot shower and bed. Goodnight, faithful readers!

pain

2008-02-18T16:01:00.003-05:00

I don't handle pain very well. Never have. Doesn't matter if it's physical, mental, emotional - I basically respond the same way. I curl in on myself and grab whatever I can to make it stop. Painkillers, something to keep me busy, something to dull my mind and dull the pain. But that only numbs the symptoms. It doesn't actually heal the hurt - and can very often make it worse.

What is it with human beings and pain? It is probably the one thing that we all fear in common - PAIN. We fear it in different forms - rejection, torture, falling, failing. It's all pain in some form. And humanity can't stand pain. We do whatever we can to dull it or avoid it. Am I right?

Is pain what makes life what it is? If we didn't have the pain and the struggles, would we become the people we are? Would we see the success if not for the failures and challenges? Would we see the happiness if not for the tears and heartache? Or is that just my limited earth-perspective talking? For those who believe in God and Heaven, there is a future life with no pain, but it's certainly hard to really imagine when this earth is all you've known and pain is a part of your every day life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying heaven and a perfect afterlife are BS and hooey or anything. But I will confess that I'm not sure about it myself anymore. At the same time, though, the thought of life in this messed up world being the only thing I'll ever know is just a bit depressing. ;-) I'm not too keen on sitting on a cloud playing a harp either. So what's left? What are the other options? Is there more to this existance than everything mentioned above?

Life, the Universe and Everything. We now know the answer to it, thanks to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but what good is the answer when you don't know the question asked? 42 what? (For those of you who are feeling out of the loop and haven't read or seen The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I highly recommend it...) People have always been searching for the meaning of life, the purpose of life, something to make it worth the pain of living. Some find it in religion, some find it in their career. I guess what matters is that I find what's right for me, what answers the question for me, because in the end, I am the one who will be looking back on my life and seeing what I did and didn't do, how I lived and didn't live.

dear jesse

2008-02-15T12:40:00.003-05:00

I get the cutest emails from my little brother and sister. Don't talk to them much on the phone, but at least we have email. For those of you who enjoy cute kidness...

Dear Jesse,
Do you know about sharks? Because if you don't like sharks or if you do like sharks or if you don't know anything about them, or if you don't want me to tell you about them, it doesn't matter, because I will.

A Sea Full of Sharks
"Thinking about sharks can make you shiver with excitement."
"A man once caught four sharks all at one time! He pulled in a tiger shark. In its stomach was a bull shark. Inside the bull shark's stomach was a blacktip shark, and inside it was a small dogfish shark!"

Sorry Jesse, I am read out!
Whitney

***

Hi Jesse
How are you? I'm so excited! My birthday is tommow! I wish you could come. Well thats all.
Destiny

***

Hi jess!
How are you? I'm very good and I miss you a lot. I wish you could come home.
Will you come home for Christmas? I hope you will. hehe I do not want a barbie and
underwear for Christmas! I do enjoy the stickers. I'm in grade two. I read
spotted boy and the comanches and now I'm reading the complete tales of
whinnie the pooh. I miss you a lot.
Destiny

***

Hi jess!
you guess the soings I'm going to play for bells.I will give you the first letter for the words.
ok A-W-H-H-O-H and G-R-Y-M-G and O-C-A-Y-F.They are all Christmas carols.I hope
you can do it.I miss you very very much.
Destiny

***

How sweet is that? Whitney is almost 7 and Destiny is 9. I feel like I'm missing out on them growing up, what with being so far away and all. It's been over a year since I saw them now! But I do so enjoy the emails, and the pictures Mom takes and sends me sometimes. Today I got pictures from a family friend who was babysitting them while my parents went out of town for a little get-away. Yes, they are terribly cute - they must take after their biggest sister. ;-)

it's my body

2008-02-13T10:29:00.002-05:00

My day started at 6:45 this morning, when my cell alarm went off. I hit the snooze once and was up and going by 7 - dressed, grabbed my gym bag and caught the 7:15 bus to the gym. On the treadmill by 7:30, do the cardio thing for about 15 minutes, then hit the weights. Focusing on my legs this week. And none of the easy light stuff for me. I push myself, I work it! And it feels unbelievably good! I walk out the gym feeling a bit wobbly and sore, but knowing my body is going to be looking great in a couple months. It makes a difference on the rest of my day too. I love being up early. Feel far more productive when I start my day first thing in the morning. And I find that I am so tired at night that I easily fall asleep quickly - none of this lying in bed awake for me! It feels wonderful.

I'm taking yoga twice a week now too. One session is light yoga - breathing, relaxation, meditation and some easy poses, the other session is regular yoga, with the more challenging poses. I've been to two sessions so far, one of each, and am loving it! The hour goes by so quickly, and I am learning to listen to my body. How often do you actually stop and listen to your body, watch your breath, focus on relaxing every muscle in your body? I never do. Until now. And what a difference! I come away from yoga feeling alive and relaxed. I find the meditation fascinating and helpful as well. I've always struggled with trying to "quiet" my thoughts or turn off my mind. The way the instructor described it the other night, though, was really helpful and made sense. Instead of trying to turn off your mind or stop your thoughts, instead, watch your thoughts. As a thought comes into your mind, just kinda watch it and let it pass. I think of it as being an observer rather than a participant. So instead of struggling to clear my mind and stop my thoughts, I just step back and watch them pass.

Balance is another thing to work on with yoga. I want to learn to center myself, to find that center of balance so that I am steady no matter what pose or position I am in. The thing I love about it is that it's all about relaxing into the pose, calming your mind and body and just letting the muscles do their job. You don't have to strain or stretch or force your body into the poses. The whole point is to relax and find your place of balance. I'm too used to straining and striving to do things. It feels good to be beginning to learn to relax into it.

Overall the structure of my day to day life is changing for the better. I feel more productive, more alive and more relaxed - and I've just started! Imagine what doing this continually will be like? If I am feeling this good now, what will I be feeling like in a month or two, or a year? I do have to be careful not to over do it though. I don't want to push myself too hard so that I don't want to do it anymore. I need to pace myself so that I will continue to enjoy it...

matchmaker? no thank you!

2008-02-07T11:52:00.000-05:00

How do you tell your "friend" - or more of an aquaintance really - that no, you will not try and hook him up with your single sister? Or rather, how do you tell him WHY you wouldn't do it? Sure, he's not a close friend, but you still don't want to hurt his feelings or tear him down, ya know? But at the same time, there are definite reasons why you wouldn't hook him up with your sister! Come to think of it, of all the single guys I know and am friends with, there is probably only one or two that I would recommend to my sister, or a friend, as a potential "boyfriend" or love interest. I know quite a few that I would actually warn someone away from. What does this say about my choice of friends, or the people I am aquainted with?

I met with a new client this morning. I like new clients, and I like meeting new people - although it's always a little awkward, the first meeting after talking to them on the phone or by email. I always wonder, what is this person going to really be like? The guy I met with this morning is about the same age as me, nice looking guy, nicely dressed, friendly - the kind of person I like to work with. Turns out, he just moved here from BC about 8 months ago, so it felt a bit like meeting someone from home. More work will be nice - and some money to set aside for my car - not to mention another website in my portfolio.

I spent some time at my usual coffee shop hangout yesterday, and met an interesting fellow. He came in a while after I did and sat at the table next to me. He had an apple laptop as well, so we got talking a bit about Mac and how we like it and whatnot. Then the conversation just went on from there. Turns out he writes, stories and whatnot. I happened to be working on Hiram's (my brother) website at the time and he saw the title, That Story Site, and asked about it. The end result was that he is interested in having his story put on the site - which Hiram will be quite excited about, as he's been wanting to get some more authors to share their work on the website. It was rather nice to chat with another writer and have some friendly conversation - as opposed to just keeping to myself and doing my own thing. It's always interesting to meet new people - broadens my experience.

self evaluations

2008-02-06T14:23:00.000-05:00

"Fools give you reasons, wise men never try."

Just heard this line in a song and it struck me, so thought I'd ad it to the blog entry I was just about to write. It made me think about my own life, and how I often try and give excuses, when really I don't have to. It really isn't anyone else's business why I do or don't what I do. I guess wisdom is knowing when you need to give a reason and when you don't - or at least that's part of wisdom. So often we try and give excuses and reasons, particularly for not doing something that we feel we are expected to, when really it doesn't matter. A simple "yes" or "no" would suffice.

I find myself analyzing me and my ways like this quite often of late. Why do I do or say the things I do? Why do I think like I do? What of these things are an essential part of me and should be kept, and what are just meaningless "fillers" or "defenses"? I'm at a point in my life right now where I am cutting out a lot of needless stuff - physical possessions, habits, spending patterns, time wasters. I am feeling the need to be more efficient with my time and focused with my thoughts and ambitions. How can I get to where I want to be and accomplish my goals and dreams with so much "stuff" weighing me down? From cluttered living space to cluttered thought patterns, I have a bit to clean up.

In this whole process, I have begun setting goals - specific goals. This is something I have never really done before. I always say, "I want this" or "I want to do that", and it's time to start setting specific goals and working toward having and doing those things. I'm starting with a car. My goal is to have one by the end of April. This will require changing my spending habits, working harder to get website clients, and starting my car shopping now so that I know what I want and am ready to go for it once I have the finances in place. It gives me three months to put this into action, and I am confident I can do it. I am fed up with the public transport and the time I waste waiting for and riding the bus - now every ride will be a reminder of what I am working toward and serve as an incentive to work harder toward that goal.

I am also finding that I need to change my living space, modify it and unclutter it. I have been spending more time there and less time at Jon's, which has been good for both of us, but it's not a very good space to spend much time in right now. I need to organize and utilize the space better. I've been sleeping on my little couch because I put the bed up to make more room, and this is not working. So I will be going shopping for a nice foam mattress that I can put up during the day, but will be better for my sleeping habits. And eventually, I will be moving into my own apartment once again.

I joined the gym yesterday. Another self-improvement. I am going to start working out and taking yoga. I haven't started either yet. The first yoga class it tomorrow night, and I'm waiting for a callback to set up an orientation for the gym and a session with a personal trainer to get started on the workout part. Yes, I am serious about this, and I am going to do it right! I know I want to workout and get my body into good shape, but I have no idea where to start, so I figure a personal trainer is a good idea. And I'm excited about the yoga too. I've been wanting to take it for a while, and I think it will be a great way to learn to relax, as well as limber up my body.

Overall, I am feeling quite positive about my life and direction it is going. I feel like I am finally starting to get things together and head in the direction I want to go. It feels good! :-)

the playing place

2008-01-31T14:48:00.000-05:00

While working on my author brother's website, I once again read a short story that he wrote for an english class a while ago. This piece tugs at my heart strings and leaves me nostalgic for the "good old days" of childhood. It is from his point of view, written by him, but I too was involved with the playing place - playing and building there even before he was able to walk. Reading this and remembering my childhood makes me sad to have to grow up. It also makes me ask myself, how can I nurture the child still in me now? What am I doing in my life right now to continue building the playing places?

Here is the article.

The Playing Place
--by Hiram Webb, aka AAK Bresh

I grew up in the richest neighborhood in town. My parents called it Hidden Meadows. It was located forty-five minutes form the nearest paved road, and power was a thing provided on necessity by a gas generator. Highlights were canoeing on the lower fields when they flooded in the spring time, and turning out all the lights in the house on Saturday night so that the popcorn popper with its heavy energy draw would not deplete the limited supply. Being young at the time, I narrowly escaped the horrors that my older siblings found in tending our massive garden plots. I was born late enough to escape the hours of poverty where they had nothing to eat but mashed potatoes and strawberries (which they ate together and to disastrous results). Thankfully, I was not too young to experience the making of our first "playing place". Such was the simple name which spring from childhood. The first I remember of the playing place was damming the tiny creek which ran past our house in the spring time, and building bridges over it and roads along it for our toy trucks to drive on. We spent hours there, building and rebuilding, damming and breaking dams. The playing place was like a sand box, except for two things. We would never bend so low as to use unwieldy and uncooperative sand above dirt and clay, and unlike the sand box, our playing place had no walls - no boarders.

When I was six years old, we left Hidden Meadows and moved into town. Suddenly we were a ten minute's drive from the nearest grocery store, and though we still lived in the country with a river on our front door step and a creek at the back, we now had power, running water - even a television, though no signal would ever enter the coils of our ancient brute. VHS was the name of the game. As everything else took a step up in technology, so did our playing place. In the past we had built it quite concentrated, and it never lasted long before someone broke it all up and redid it. This time we chose a wide hillside to build it on, and the roads wound out further and further, now a permanent fixture in the landscape. We had a town with a main street, and country roads which led nowhere in particular. We had power lines, at some points, and my brother set up a credit system with pinecones so that we could buy land from each other. Happily, that did not last long and soon land was free for the taking again. That was the grandest playing place I ever saw. I had a great farm there, stretching over two hundred square feet, on which I grew clumps of quack grass.

That only lasted for five years, though, and then we were moved again. This time we were right in town. The real main street was visible form our house, and for the first time in my life I did not live on a farm, or even in our own house. We were renters. But that did not stop us from following our tradition. We chose the unused hill behind the house, and began filling it with roads once again. For the first time, we experienced the joys of building on hillsides and being careful where we stepped so as not to break our roads out. We lined them with logs to hold the dirt in place, and continued to build with all the enthusiasm we could muster, going before the snow was even melted in the spring to shovel it aside, break up the frozen ground, and plow clean our roads so that our trucks could drive again. By this time, the name playing place was beginning to sound foolish, but with nothing better to call it, we continued the tradition.

And then came the move out of town. My mother had taken enough. She said the town life was getting to us, that our friends were being bad influences on us. Two years after we moved there, we left, moving back out of town. Once again we were on a farm. One of the first things we did was build a new playing place, set on a mound of dirt dug out for the foundation for the new addition to the house. We battled weeds and rocks and laid our roads until they were permanent fixtures in the hill. This was the last playing place I would build. By this time I was outgrowing it. I had discovered the wonderful world of society, school, and video games, and leisure time became scarce. I still went to the playing place on occasion, but not nearly as much.

Today, the playing place is still there, waiting for another generation to discover its joys. My two youngest siblings and their friends, who have never been able to experience the tradition, opted for the sand hill rather then the playing place, and though we tried to correct what we saw as a mistake, they chose sand over dirt anyway. The playing place sits vacated except for one strip of dirt where someone took a hoe to one road in a futile attempt to clear away the weeds. Most of the roads would support a grass fire far sooner then any vehicle, and the 'lakeshore lodge' which we built around a dry hole in the ground now lays under the foundations of a new road we had to build for hauling wood. I am sure I will build many more playing places, down through the years in my life, but they will have to be all in my mind. They will all be unique, adapting to fit the different places I find myself in, but they will never again have the splendor or the innocence of my first four.

cute old ladies

2008-01-30T18:54:00.000-05:00

I went to wait for the bus, and there was this little old lady at the bus stop. As soon as I walked into the little glass shelter there, she said, "You should have worn a hat." And she was right. She likely saw me shivering, my teeth chattering because of the cold, and she was right. I should have worn a hat. It wasn't the first time I had thought it, either. So while I stood there shivering and swearing at the cold and the bus for being late, she chatted on about how she had decided to come downtown today - instead of doing things at home - because she had seen the weather forcast for the next couple of days and decided to go while it was still somewhat "warm". Wait a minute, "WARM"?!? Today was anything BUT warm, let me tell you! If it's going to get any colder - oy. I'm ready to fly south with the birds.

But to continue on with the old lady... She was cute. She was telling me about how she'd done the typical housecleaning, then baked an apple pie - then went on about how her son's mother-in-law had sent her this gift basket, with some apples, with the stipulation that she make her an apple pie with the apples - and how she had then complimented her on the apple pie... She was so cute! It made me start thinking about old people and how I never really pay any attention to them or notice them - but there is probably a lot I could learn from them! Not only are they cute, with stories to tell, but they've lived a lot longer than I have and no doubt have a lot of wisdom and life experience to share with us younger folks.

I've been thinking about hibernation - and what a wonderful concept it is. Tuck yourself away somewhere cozy and warm, and sleep until it gets nice outside again. If only I could! It sounds fantabulous! Either that or migrate. Either one would have me cozy and warm - and that's what I care about right now. I'm getting real tired of winter and cold. I'm ready for spring and warmth. Maybe next year I will do some traveling during the winter - and miss the cold altogether! Wouldn't that be nice?

Business is picking up. I am excited about that. I have new clients and potential new clients. I am enjoying meeting new people and working on new projects - and seeing my business grow thrills me to no end! My first newsletter will be coming out for Spideys Web Design shortly as well. Very exciting! :-)

grumpy adventures

2008-01-28T11:55:00.000-05:00

I have found myself experiencing unusual moodiness lately. Easily annoyed and hard to motivate myself. Makes for some blah times, and made the most recent girls' night out different than usual. I just couldn't get in the mood to be out. The bartender at the first place was too hyper and I found him obnoxious, then we went to try and play some pool and the tables at the Lawyer were all in use - except for the "L" shaped one. We gave it a try, but there was this group of people who were standing around, right up against the pool table, and had no respect for us trying to play a game - they were even rude when we asked them to move so we could take a shot. It got to the point where it was more frusterating than anything to try and play there. So we called it a game and went to Koko Pellies to finish off the night. The band there was good - I enjoyed that part - but the creepy old guys standing up by the dance floor oggling the girls dancing gave me the heebie jeebies. They were watching Miss Heather, and the way they were looking, and obviously commenting to each other, made my skin crawl and felt very uncomfortable. A couple of guys tried to approach me - and I definitely did not try to encourage them. I felt cold and grumpy. lol. What a way to spend a night out! Oy.

I'm not sure what's going on and why I've been feeling this way. It wasn't just the night out, it's been the last three or four days. Maybe getting out for a shift at the Caffe tonight will help boost my spirits - it often does. I really hate the blahs, though. It's not fun to feel moody and unmotivated - and to feel stuck in that, to not be able to shake out of it...

view from my window

2008-01-19T14:28:00.000-05:00

One of the things I like to do while sitting at my favorite coffee shop is to people watch. I sit near the window and watch the people going by on the sidewalk, or the ones coming and going in the shop. People facinate me - and annoy me - and entertain me. I don't have any patience for stupid or annoying people, but I do enjoy observing and analyzing. And sometimes you see those people that just strike you as exceptional people - and they're the most interesting to watch. The ones that strike me are the ones that stand out from the crowd, they have this air about them that says they are confident and unique, that they don't walk the beaten path, but make one of their own. I like to think that I am one of those people as well.

I saw a unique bus driver this morning. I caught the bus to an appointment with a new client, and the driver was this blond chic. She looked like a bit of a ditzy blond, with a funky hair cut, and a voice to match it - the typical blond chic voice. But she was the friendliest bus driver I've seen yet, greeting everyone as they came on, saying goodbye when they got off, just really friendly and personable. A unique person, alright. Made the bus ride more interesting.

It's interesting to think that each person sees things differently. The way I see and observe things is not the same as the way you see them, or anyone else for that matter. The view from my window is completely unique. We all see the same things, but we don't "see" them the same, we don't comprehend them the same or draw the same conclusions. Your impression of that bus driver would probably be different from mine. It's a bit lonely, actually, to think that no one else feels exactly the same way that I do or sees things exactly the same way. I don't want to be exactly like someone else, but at the same time, it's lonely to be totally unique, and to realize that I am completely individual, completely my own person, completely me. That also means that ultimately I am responsible - for my life, my decisions, my attitudes. No one else can dictate my life or direct it. I am fully and completely responsible for what I do, where I go, and who I am. I can be and do anything I want - I have the power to shape my life to be what I want it to be. What am I doing with that power???

here's to you

2008-01-07T17:45:00.001-05:00

you've seen me at my best
and at my worst.
you've been there
during the good days
and the bad.
you taught me all you knew
about life and love,
and you modeled
the same the best you could.
you let me make mistakes
though I'm sure it hurt to watch at times.
you built memories
that i will carry with me for the rest of my life,
and you instilled values
and courage
that have already seen me through tough days.
always you have been there.
always you have loved me.
we've had our differences
and likely will again,
but you mean the world to me,
because it was the world that you gave me.
i admire you
appreciate you
thank you
love you
for being the best parents that you could,
and the best that i could wish for!
so here's you to,
for giving me all that I needed,
and more,
for this journey of life.

colasanti's

2008-01-05T17:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not the only one who's been thinking we need to get out and do things more. Jon was at the gym this morning and was thinking just that. As a result, he came home and said let's go to Colasanti's! For those of you who don't know, Colasanti's is a greenhouse/petting zoo/neat family place out by Leamington. It was a very nice outing, very affordable. I thoroughly enjoyed the petting zoo! lol. Yes, I am aware that I am nearing 25, I'm not a child anymore, but the goat kids were sooooo cute, and came right up to me looking for food. And the baby rabbits and guinea pigs were so little and adorable! I just enjoyed them all! We played a game of mini golf too, which was fun. And was neat to walk around and see the different plants and stuff. Overall, I just really enjoyed some time out with my boyfriend, seeing something new and enjoying a change of pace.

open mind

2008-01-05T09:44:00.000-05:00

Did you ever notice how humanity tends to get stuck, how we put ourselves into these little boxes of what we know, are comfortable with, and believe? I've seen this so often in my own life. I've come from a religious/christian background, as most of you know, and over the last couple of years I have gradually felt my way out of that particular box. Looking back over the last few years of my life, seeing where I've been, has been eye-opening. You always see things more clearly looking back, eh? I was right into the new charasmatic, prophetic, spirit-filled movement. I went to conferences, church at least once a week. I believed in speaking in tongues and prophesying. And I was incredibly closed-minded and judgemental! I'm not about to go and say that the movement is wrong, or that the people in it are wrong, or anything even close to that. But I am going to say that I was stuck in a box. I thought I was free from religion and moving in the Spirit. I thought I was better than those stuffy churchy folk who just sat in church and did nothing. Afterall, I was free! I was listening to the Spirit and not being held by those religious constraints anymore! But I was still in a box. I still had my own constraints - new ones. I was still judging people and thinking I was better - it was just different people.

I was so judgemental of anything that was outside of my box. Anything that seemed new age. Anything that was "secular". Anything that was "worldly". I was incredibly narrow-minded and saw things as very black and white - if it's part of this movement where I am, then it's white, if it's "out there" then it's black. Things like Harry Potter, yoga, accupunture, non-christian music, alcohol, any kind of sex or anything too sexual outside of marriage - anything that seemingly "threatened" the values of the bible, or was too new age or eastern mystical. It was outside of my acceptable box and I judged it harshly!

But the interesting thing about a journey is that the scenery changes, the road changes, and often the destination and route changes. Few things are constant. I have since broken out of that box and opened my mind a little bit more. I can now see some of those areas where I was judgemental and closed-minded, where I formed an opinion too quickly without the facts, based only on what I believed, or those around me believed. There's nothing wrong with believing in things. We need to have morals, values, opinions. But I personally don't want to get stuck in them to the point where I don't see anything else or won't try anything new.

The journey has brought me a long way off that track I was on in the last couple of years. I have tried many new things - some of which are valuable and I have kept, others of which I discarded. I have opened my mind to other ideas, and have grown because of it. My one hope in this is that I won't simply go from one box to another, but that I will truly learn to be open-minded, without being so open that my mind falls out!

we danced

2008-01-04T19:45:00.000-05:00

we thought we had it all together
we were doing fine
living each day as it came
never looking to tomorrow,
then we realized,
we were in the same place,
the same place we had been for forever
we hadn't moved
in all that time.
and the longing came
to know new things and new places,
to see more and do more.
but we didn't know how to move,
we were stuck.
we reached out our hands,
crying tears of longing and dreaming,
grasping for a helping hand to pull us,
tug us into a path of change.
and there you were,
touching our hands,
holding them and gently pulling
us onto the path to our dreams and destiny.
you were right there,
only waiting for us to reach
out.
right there,
ready to guide and encourage.
close by,
eager to give a helping hand
and be a friend indeed.
and we saw new things
and dreamed new dreams
watching and laughing as the world seemed to change
before our eyes.
adventures unfolded and thoughts and ideas
sparked our minds into new life,
playing the music of change and growth.
and we shared
our hopes and our thoughts,
opening our hearts to each other,
learning to be vulnerable
and growing stronger.
we danced the dance
and sang the song
of abundant life,
calling out
"this
is
flying!"

musical musings

2008-01-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

Music speaks to my soul in a language that cannot be put into words. So does nature and art. It's a language that goes straight to the deepest part of me, bypassing the mind and striking a chord with my heart of hearts. It awakens a longing in me, a hunger,
but also a feeling like I'm on top of the world and flying, soaring the heights of the impossible, with the ability to do absolutely anything I desire. It is when I feel the most alive. It is when I feel the most sad, and the most happy. All at the same time. There is no way to put it into words, to describe it accurately or fully. Anne of Green Gables said it in a good way - but I can't even remember how she said it now. It was in the book, and I would probably have to read the whole thing again to find it. But when I read it a few years ago it amazed me to read it and realize that someone else knew the feeling and had tried to describe it. In some ways, it's the loneliest feeling I know.

I crave music. I hear something I like, something that calls to me, and I ache to be able to play it, to make that kind of music. I long to be a part of a band or some kind of musical group, or just have friends to play and sing with, harmonize with. I took it for granted when I had it back home in BC, and now that I don't have it I miss it incredibly! If I at least had a piano, it wouldn't be so bad, but I'm not good enough on the guitar to be able to just sit down and play whatever I want, or make up something. I don't have the freedom on it that I do on the piano. So I should maybe look into buying myself an electric piano or something. That would probably be a very good investment for me...

We were watching Speaker's Corner on CityTV the other night and there was one group who sang "All Hail King Jesus". It wasn't the song that impressed me so much, it was the harmony. It was a capella, of course, and they sang different parts and harmonized and it was beautiful! I miss singing harmony. Tried it a couple weeks ago. Jon and I went to a Christmas program at the church his ex-wife and kids go to, and there was the usual singing of Christmas hymns and whatnot. I tried harmonizing, singing alto, but in that group it was hard. Not sure why. Just didn't fit in. But that group on Speaker's Corner sure had it going on!

new year determinations

2008-01-01T11:17:00.000-05:00

I don't make new year resolutions, because I would likely break them most of the time. I have been doing some thinking though and seeing things that I do want to change. So I have some determinations for this new year - things to work on and improve on. So these are my new year determininations:

Communication. I must learn to communicate better, to say what I am thinking and feeling, particularly in my relationship with Jon. Time to stop being afraid to speak my mind, and to say what I really want, really think, really feel. Even if I have to start with writing it down. I'm much better at writing things than speaking them, so perhaps that's what I need to start doing. I can write it out, then talk about it after if need be. But there are things I can start saying too. Just speaking up more in general.

Hobbies. I need to find a hobby or two. Maybe take dance lessons or something. I need things to do to get me out of the house, to meet new people, and do something that I can be passionate about! I am going to research dance lessons/classes and see what I can find, see what's available. Perhaps I will look into a place to take yoga too. And I would like to volunteer as a Big Sister as well. Just some things that I would enjoy doing, and that would expand my horizons.

Vacations. I am going to go away, out of the country, for at least one vacation this year. Go to Cube for a week probably with Jon. I've been wanting to do that. I haven't really been out of Windsor since last Christmas!!! That's not good. It's time to take a good look at my life, do some rearranging maybe, and start doing what I really want to do - including getting out of Windsor sometimes! I've lived here for a year and a half, and haven't even been to London or Toronto yet - and they're only a drive away!

Car. Along with the vacation thoughts, I've also been thinking about transportation. If I had a car, I would go more places. I could go to London or Toronto if I wanted to. As it is, I'm dependent on the bus system or Jon for a ride anywhere. With my own car, I would have the freedom to just go - with or without anyone else. I am going to have a look at finances and job situation and figure out what I need to do to be able to have a car again!

And that's the jist of it. My new year determinations. Basically things I've thought about and talked about before, things I've done to a point before as well. Just time to take it to the next step, go a little further.

So on that note, here's wishing you all a very happy, successful and prosperous new year!!!!

teh adventures of jess and heather...

2007-12-29T16:00:00.000-05:00

Another girls' night out, and more adventure than we've had in a while. We usually seem to attract some attention - we can't help that we're two very attractive women, after all - but last night was more than usual. It was rather entertaining. Seemed like everywhere we went someone would start talking to us, or sending us drinks, or wanting to play pool with us. Seriously, they were all over the place! We started at Aardvarks Blues Cafe - it was fairly uneventful there, had a couple of drinks, listened to the live music, then went to Old School Club for a bit. Had a couple of drinks there. That was where the guy sent us drinks. We were standing at a table, drinking our drinks, chatting, people watching, etc, and this guy came over with two drinks and said some guy at the bar had sent them. Interesting. Then I went to use the bathroom and came back and there were two guys chatting with Heather. lol. Nice enough guys, though the one that then started chatting with me was a bit dull - not really all that interesting. I was ready to leave shortly after that.

Our next stop was The Honest Lawyer, to play some pool. It's our favorite pool hangout. So we drank some beer, shot a game of pool, and then left. Chatted with the doorman a bit on our way out - we are known at some of these places now - and then went to Koko Pellies. It's an older crowd there mostly. I like hanging out there. While we were at the bar about to order drinks a couple of guys came and started talking to us. Younger guys. Our age. They were rather interesting to chat with though. No dull conversation there! Talked about music and stuff. Got me wishing again that I had some musician friends to play with, maybe be part of a band again. I miss that stuff! Anyway, that was interesting and entertaining. We closed that bar - they were sweeping up as we were walking out the door. lol. Been a long time since we stayed that late! Was nice to have some good conversation though. But wait, the night didn't end there!!!

So we left Koko Pellies, the guys we were chatting with went somewhere to eat, and we decided to check in with my bar owner buddy and see if he wanted to hang out for a bit. He's always told me if we ever wanted to hang out after hours to just give him a call. Didn't reach him on his cell, but as we were standing in front of his bar trying to call him, someone came to the door, asked who we were and let us in. So we hung out with Pat and a bunch of his guys for a bit. And again, had some stimulating conversation with one of his bartenders. A really nice guy, seemed really honest and down to earth. Older - but didn't look it. We were both shocked when we found out how old he was! lol. He had some good stuff to say though, good view on things and good advice. We got to talking about relationships and differences between men and women and communication and stuff. Very interesting convo! Very insightful and made me think about stuff and realize what I need to work on with how I communicate in my relationships. It's always nice to get good advice from guys about shit like that.

So that was our interesting night. A good girls' night out, I would say - though my body might have argued with that this morning. Oy! I need to remember to drink more water when I go out, so I don't end up feeling like that! It's not pretty.

And that's it for this chapter in The Adventures of Jess and Heather....

christmas meanderings

2007-12-24T11:34:00.000-05:00

Christmas time is here again. It seems to come faster every year. It's the first Christmas I won't be home with my family - I will in fact be all alone Christmas morning! I am slightly depressed about that, but what can ya do? It's got me thinking about all the different traditions and how we usually spend Christmas day at home. It's got me appreciating the little things. One of my favorite Christmas traditions is the stockings. Not so much for anything that was put in them, but just for the fun of opening them up Christmas morning, sitting in the livingroom with the little ones, and the older ones, and eating candy before breakfast. lol. We'd sleep under the Christmas tree and Destiny and Whitney would be up early, so that what I'd wake up to - them opening their stockings, or watching veggies tales or early morning cartoons. Then we'd have a leisurely breakfast with the whole family - omllettes and vegetarian breakfast sausages and hashbrowns, or something else special and different. After breakfast, when the dishes were all done and the food put away, we'd open gifts. In my family we always draw names, since there's so many of us. So someone would start and give their gift, then the person they had would open the gift, then give the gift they got for the name they had. Christmas was never extravagant for us, but it was a special time to spend with the whole family. We'd sit around and play card games or chat or watch a movie all together. That's what Christmas is to me. Christmas Eve we'd always go out to my grandparents' for supper and visit with them for a while. And there would be lots of Christmas goodies. Fudge, cookies, fruit balls, maybe fruit cake. And we always have a big family dinner with my dad's side of the family too. But this year, I am going to miss all of that.

I won't be completely alone all Christmas. I'll be spending a bit of time with Jon and the kids this afternoon, then going to my place for the evening - might hang out with a couple of friends tonight, as I don't really want to sit at home by myself for Christmas eve. Then tomorrow I'll probably be having Christmas dinner with Jon. But it's the waking up on Christmas morning alone that I'm depressed about. It certainly won't feel like Christmas this year! But I guess it could be worse. I do have gifts to open, and I did have people to buy gifts for as well. It's just the little things I'm missing - but those are the ones that are felt the most...

timeless

2007-12-21T12:42:00.000-05:00

earth forges a desire
within her ancient waters
unseen
as the essence of dreams
is born in timeless treasure