heartbreak hotel

It's not the first time this has happened. In fact, if I look back on all of my relationships - not that I've had that many - there are only two that I would call really serious, and only those two men that I actually was in love with. And both relationships went the same direction, resulting in much heartbreak and pain - on my part. Dave was the first one. I went all the way down to South Carolina to see if it would work. It was worth finding out, but it hurt like hell! The thing that kills me the most is that it's not that we were incompatible, or didn't get along, or anything like that really. As far as I was concerned it could have worked. But he couldn't let go of the past, couldn't move on and stop feeling guilty about some things. So I left, ended it, moved on - and he went back to the past, married his ex and quickly regretted it. It hurt. It really hurt. While I was there, I kept hoping that he would get things figured out, realize that he needed to let go, realize that he had a good thing right there in front of him - but no.

And now I'm in a similar situation. Not exactly the same - it never is - but I see too many parallels. This relationship has been longer - 10 or so months - but it started to end the same way. Less and less physical affection, me feeling more and more like I wasn't wanted that way anymore, him saying he had stuff to deal with and try to figure out, me trying to be patient and wait it out, let him deal with his stuff, give him his space, but getting hurt over and over again and feeling the hope fade to disappointment and heart break. They say that hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. Well, my heart is feeling pretty sick right now. And I can't keep doing it. I'm not asking for too much. All I want is what should be part of any healthy relationship - to be wanted, kissed, made love to. That's all I'm asking for. I'm not asking to be given the world. I just want to be wanted and touched. And for some reason, I seem to fall in love with guys who are great at doing that for the first while, and then end up unable to give me that most basic physical element. And a relationship without that physical connection is only a half-ass relationship.

So it's come down to this. Here I am, hanging on to the very last frayed ends of the rope, tired of hurting, tired of riding the roller coaster of hope and disappointment - and I can't do it anymore. I realized this morning that I really only have two simple choices: I end it and walk away, or I stay on the roller coaster and keep re-opening the painful wound over and over. There is no other option at this point. Sure, I can say, oh he might change, he might get things figured out and be there for me again - but I've been saying that for a while already, and there is no guarantee that anything is going to change anytime soon. There's a time for hope and patience, but there's got to come a time when you say enough is enough and realize that it's time to stop putting yourself through it. I'm not asking for too much. I'm asking for something that any number of other men would jump at the chance to give me - and the one I love is unable to. Why am I going through this again? Do I somehow attract and fall in love with men who are likely to do this?

How in the world do I go ahead and made that decision to end it, to walk away, when it hurts so bad I can hardly breathe? I don't want to walk away! I want him in my life! This guy is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have learned so much from him, grown so much, loved so much, and now hurt so much. He's pretty much exactly what I look for in a man when he's not dealing with shit like he is now. But I can't wait around and keep letting myself get hurt. As much as I love him, as much as I want to be with him, he is just not able to give me what I need right now - and I have to walk away. But it's easier said than done. When someone becomes that much a part of your life, has that big of a place in your heart... To walk away is to leave pieces of myself behind, and creates a gaping wound that will take a lot of time to heal.